Saturday, August 6, 2016

Addressing the Issues

The bf and I had a talk.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I was so nervous before the conversation that I felt sick. He just texted me and said that he'd be coming over at 2:30. I had some fear that he was going to outright break up with me. I had my own doubts whether I'd break up with him. I knew that if our conversation was ugly I would be the one to say it was over.

The conversation, however, was not what I expected. There was more arguing, more discussion, more explaining but no tears or explosive anger from the previous conversation.

In the end he did not apologize and I accepted this fact. We are still together.

There is no decent explanation I can give to explain my choice except that the bf doesn't often try to dictate what I do. This was close to a first... I can't say for sure it was the first time but in the 18 years that we've been together I don't remember another time clearly. The fact that it came out as an order was not deliberate, or if it was deliberate, he certainly won't be trying it again after what just happened.
He could have worded things differently. He could have suggested rather than ordered, he could have asked, he could have expressed his concerns or doubts differently. I reacted to his words and the situation degenerated.

I will obviously be on the lookout for signs. I am in a constant state of questioning my relationship right now, and this seems to be a cycle I go through. There are ups and downs and I guess this is a down.

I appreciate each and every comment my friends/readers have left here: Canuck, Peter, Johanna (so happy to hear from you!), Lee, Anon1 and 2 whoever you are.  I know that my sticking with him may exasperate some of you. I don't know if it's the right choice. I truly don't. But for now, it's what's happening.

We're heading on holiday for 10 days. I'm hoping to see my stress levels melt. I feel like the internet, this country and reality is just really getting in the way of my happiness right now. I need to get away from it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016


After the incident with the bf on Sunday we talked. We talked on Monday. I was upset, I cried, I was angry and I let out some of that, within reason. I was not harsh with him. I made it clear though that his comment hurt. He took it fine, he apologized for it, he showed regret for it and I told him: "you can say sorry all you want but if you cut off someone's leg, 'sorry' isn't going to put it back together."

Yesterday I was feeling more positive, I was still hurt, still angry but hoping he would be on his best behaviour so I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach Tuesday afternoon. It went well. We were good. By the time evening rolled around we had plans with friends and family to meet up. I went to get dressed. I wore a maxi-dress without a bra. Now, in summer I rarely wear bras anymore. It's 37°C most days and evenings are in around 33°C, I have small breasts but I try to be conscious of what I wear, in that I don't wear see through garments without a bra, and I don't wear things that are too low cut so that when I bend over I avoid men peering down my shirt.
The neckline on my dress came up to my collar bones almost.
He told me; outright ordered me to put a bra on.

Let me take a step back. A few nights ago (before the Sunday child comment) we were heading out just the two of us and I decided to go braless and he did the same thing. I refused, and he insisted. He said that I was just trying to attract attention. I refused again and he made a comment about asking to be raped. I got angry but controlled it and told him to be very careful about making comments like that, mentioning that women are not responsible for men's actions.

Back to last night. I asked him why I should put a bra on. His answer was that my "tits are hanging out". Which they obviously weren't, my dress was high enough and the cotton was certainly not see-through. Yes, my nipples were not taped up, but I'm personally not too bothered by that.
When I said no again and insisted that my "tits weren't hanging out", from there things degenerated. I told him that I could wear what I want and that he has no say in what I put on my body. I was furious. I did not react well. I'm sure that I probably went overboard in my reactions but this situation mixed with the bra comment from the other day mixed with the Sunday comment about kids, I just had a meltdown.

We sort of managed a half discussion at some point during the argument and he said that his main issue was that when he goes out with his friends and they see a woman dressed in certain ways, someone always makes lewd comments and it bothers him. So I told him that he should talk to his friends about the way they comment on women, not expect women to change what they wear. But this didn't seem to register with him. He was angry about my outburst instead.

We went out, handled the evening with friends and family, but didn't talk the whole car trip there or back and haven't heard from him today.
I have many things running through my head. My sister is trying to convince me to talk to him, maybe giving things some time to settle first. What feedback I got through the blog comments and Rob is that he's acting like a dick. I have an urge to cut things off completely. I think he mentioned it during our argument yesterday because I was saying that he was walking a fine and dangerous line.
I told him that between all these comments that things weren't looking good. And he said something about breaking up.

We're both really angry and I don't know how to fix my anger. I don't know if I have the patience to talk to him, to educate him on women's rights. That it's men who need to control themselves more. However, I am dealing with someone who grew up in a religiously conservative culture. He may not be outwardly religiously conservative but he has that background.

In fact one of the things he said to me was "I've always bought you short skirts, so you can't say that I normally have a problem with you dressing in certain ways".
My answer to that would have to be (since I didn't have the insight to say it yesterday) "so if you decide I can wear certain things it's ok, but if I decide to wear certain things it's not?"

I'm tired. So very, very tired.
We're supposed to go on holiday next week. Really not sure that is going to happen.