Thursday, May 18, 2017

Changes

Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting. 
I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing. 

My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone. 

I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death. 

It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money. 

But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids. 

Do I want to travel for a while? 
Do I want to concentrate on my art career? 
Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years? 
Should I buy a house?
WHERE do I want to live?

The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it. 




9 comments:

Osbasso said...

My condolences to you. I hope you find some comfort in the memories.

Loyal Fan said...

My deepest condolences to you. Hug and kisses.

T Gostea said...

Im so sorry you had this to deal with. It is the downside of living actually. Sorry for your loss.

Peter Princip said...

Loss of extended family is strange...it does not feel real. Someone you kind of knew is now gone forever. It really puts your own life in perspective, at least for a little while. I am of the age where parents are starting to die...that means I am next...sobering thought...

Cool deal on the money!

Corrado said...

A very tight hug from Rome :)

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

I hope you aint doing this
as a career choice, dear.
Does Jesus whom we ALL gotta
face someday want this for you?
Nope.
...yet, sadly, most of U.S.
could care less about God
in this finite lifetime...
and we expect Him to care
when we see eternal punishment?

Wiseabove.blogspot.com, lil one.
Take the ending road of thorns.
Believe-you-me, baby doll,
our lifelong is ending.
trustNjesus.
ALWAYS.
God bless your indelible soul.
cya Upstairs someday.
Let's getta Big-Ol beer.
Gotta lotta tok bout celebrating
our eternal resurrection.

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

Yes, earthling, Im an NDE.
Make Your Choice -SAW

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

I hope you aint doing this
as a career choice, dear.
Does Jesus whom we ALL gotta
face someday want this for you?
Nope.
...yet, sadly, most of U.S.
could care less about God
in this finite lifetime...
and we expect Him to care
when we see eternal punishment?

Wiseabove.blogspot.com, lil one.
Take the ending road of thorns.
Believe-you-me, baby doll,
our lifelong is ending.
trustNjesus.
ALWAYS.
God bless your indelible soul.
cya Upstairs someday.
Let's getta Big-Ol beer.
Gotta lotta tok bout celebrating
our eternal resurrection.

john smith said...

I must admit I don't visit these blogs as often as I should, I am sad to hear of your Uncles passing. My condolences to you. If you do receive a large inheritance, I do hope you do something that makes you happy with it. I do also hope you continue to write your blog. Even though I don't visit here often, when I do, I look forward very much to catching up on what you have been doing and reading the things you have been thinking about. I do love reading your blog. Do take care of yourself.