I'm back... I tried a pregnancy test!

Let's start with the strange stuff. last week I tried my first ever pregnancy test. I was five or six days late on my period. A couple weeks before the bf and I had fairly intense sexcapades, he always pulls out but there's always a chance.

It was weird, I wasn't expecting one result or another. Maybe I'm still processing. Maybe I'll burst into tears at some point. But I was fairly indifferent about the whole thing.
After day 4 of being late and complaining to the bf that I couldn't fit into last year's jeans I joked saying, maybe I'm pregnant and we laughed.

Is indifference even possible for me around this topic?

Anyhow end result: I wasn't pregnant.
 
I was however over a week late and well, that's when other thoughts of running out of eggs crosses my mind and I feel slightly depressed about it. Possibly more about the age than not having kids tho.... or maybe it's just me processing. Everything went back to normal eventually. 

I haven't been able to post regularly recently because I Apple is boycotting Google or vice versa as far as I can see it. They removed the Blogger app from the Apple store and the version I had on my phone obviously stopped working. So I'm forced to use my computer. I might be able to find another solution but for now my posts will likely be slower to come. 

Rob
In other news. I got around to altering that Beastie Boys shirt Rob sent me in his care package with the ceramic bowls ages ago. Which means I can wear it on a regular basis. I was a little scared to work on it, I didn't want to ruin it. But I'm happy with how it turned out. It was a colour that was too similar to my skin tone so I dyed it grey and then I cut the sleeves off and the neck off to make a tank top and put brass eyelets up the sides to make it a lace up. It looks good. I love it and wear it often. It is obviously a constant reminder of Rob. I wouldn't take it off if I had a choice.

There's a ton of stuff going on in terms of my inheritance and I have to go back to North America soon to sort some things out so I've been very busy getting things ready with that. I asked Rob if he wanted to come with me. I knew it wouldn't be possible but it was fun to fantasize about. I have a week right at the beginning where I will be alone without anyone to hang out with. So I thought I'd ask him if he'd join me. He said yes... but obviously he can't. We joked about it for a day, I even looked up flights for him, all in good fun.... I wish... I totally wish. That would be so cool.

Co-W
Things with Co-W have been pretty usual. There was one minor slip on my behalf the other day. He had told me something and I contradicted him, and when I realized I was wrong I apologized. He was so smug about it he put his head in front of my face, with his ear next to my mouth and said, "say that again" when I apologized again, he came closer to my face with his ear and said "what was that?" so I licked his earlobe. 

It wasn't a decision. It was instinct. After it happened I just sat there stunned at myself thinking what was wrong with me. 

I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the afternoon and kept making stupid mistakes.

Not dead

I'm still here. I will be back soon with actual posts. So hi.... 

Changes

Every time I lose a piece of my family I feel less tethered to this planet, like a helium balloon tied down with a lot of strings that someone keeps cutting. 

I feel like I'm going to fly high into the atmosphere and off into the nothingness of space. I feel like I'm disappearing. 

My uncle passed away last weekend. Mother's Day to be specific. He was my mother's brother and died of the same (non-smoker's) lung cancer she had. My mother passed away 12 years ago. She died young. So did my uncle. My grandmother passed just three years ago. She was 94. All on the same side of my family. That side of the family is gone now. There's nothing left. Sure I have my grandmother's brothers and sisters. But close relatives are gone. 

I wasn't close to my uncle, but I'm still sad. The whole thing brings up a lot of issues and guilt but especially memories of my mother's death. 

It will also bring change. Huge change I think. There's an inheritance. In my great aunt's words I'll be "set for life". It feels like something so foreign to me I can't quite comprehend it. Since I was a kid I've always struggled for money. 

But this massive change also brings a lot of questions. What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? If I wanted a kid the bf wouldn't have the 'financial' card to play anymore. He always said that we didn't have enough financial stability for kids. 

Do I want to travel for a while? 

Do I want to concentrate on my art career? 

Should I take over the art school when my boss retires in two years? 

Should I buy a house?

WHERE do I want to live?

The one sure thing I think I've decided is that I'll be cutting down or eliminating my English teaching. It's the only thing I know I really want. That, and doing something big for my mom. For years I've wanted to put together a book of her art and I'd like to finalize it. 

Creepy neighbour update... I should number these.

Creepy is definitely the term I'd use, yet again, to describe my neihgbour's behaviour. I always had that sliver of doubt that the Facebook messages weren't just for me. Now I'm 100% sure they are. 

He started again. This time he's being more obvious about it. It had stopped. I hadn't heard from him in ages until I stupidly sent him a message asking if he'd heard the same motor sound on the property that I was hearing at night. I knew his gf was at work so I messaged him on fb about it instead. Stupid move on my part. I should have just waited and asked her about it. The motor ended up being a water pump that activated during recent rain storms. 

The past week he's been sending me private posts. Not messages. Posts, where the audience is just me. The first was a (bad and) sexist joke. There have been numerous messages in English. There was a video about ejaculation (from a Woody Allen movie). Today two posts: one saying how good my jeans looked on me. I was leaving the building, he was in his car parked out front so he saw me leave. Then he posted a song with the title (translated) 'If you Make Love the Way you Walk'. Lyrics like "I can't touch you, I can't taste you, I can't eat you....you're with him..." Bizarre song. 

I'd have half a brain to screenshot his posts and send them to his gf. 

I'm tempted to send him a private post myself telling him to bug off but I don't know if that will just fuel his attention. I've never, ever acknowledged his private posts. 

I just like her so much I feel like a horrible friend not telling her that her long term bf... The first guy she went to live with... is a fucking dick. Ugh. Shoot me.

Who is dumb enough to go to such lengths for someone who clearly isn't interested and who is a friend of your gf? I don't get it.

Update on Wrist and Physio Hottie

So the final update on my wrist is that I don't need surgery. I will be continuing physio, although not with my current therapist. I managed to get put into the healthcare system and will be doing physio at the hospital... As soon as they call me. It will be a couple of weeks. 

During our last physio session the boy was distracted and somewhat distant. I finally found out what was going on. He broke up with his gf of 8 years the week he met me for my first sessions. I'm guessing he was/is an emotional wreck. Anyhow his interest in me dissipated or was transferred to whatever else, so our last session was as tame and boring as a bowl of steamed white rice. 

Since his interest in me has gone, mine in him has miraculously gone too. It's not uncommon for me to be attracted simply because there is attraction. Once that's gone my interest just dwindles. He was cute though. 

Anyhow my wrist is still the same. I can use it sparingly, with very careful and controlled movements. Any tiny distraction can leave me clutching my wrist in pain: turning the key too fast in the lock, pulling the car door shut too quickly etc... 

The specialist told me it would take a year. 

The doctor in rehabilitative medicine told me to start with 15 sessions of physio and added "which surely won't solve the problem entirely". 

It's going to be slow.

Spring Warrior

My inner warrior came out of her hiding place just in time to play. 

*Click thru to see more*

I stumbled upon this quote and found it fabulously appropriate for myself. I thought it was perfect for a picture I took yesterday. Plus I haven't posted pictures in ages. I've hidden another pic on the page somewhere. There are a total of three including the one you see here. It's spring!

Physio hottie

I went in for physio again today. God that guy is hot. Today he asked me if I had a younger sister. When I asked why, he said that he likes blond haired blue eyed girls. He also admitted that he's single. 

While I'm a little disappointed that he asked if I had a younger sister (made me feel kinda old lol... He's 28... 10 years younger than me), I'm guessing that it was a slightly unfortunate excuse to flirt. There's this uncomfortable silence when we do the physio if we're not talking. We're both too shy to really talk much so that doesn't help either.

But I now understand why people get pulled into spending money on prostitutes or masseuses. I'm totally tempted to get massages from this guy.

In fact I almost wonder if he uses his good looks and flirting to gain customers... I mean purposely. He hinted right off the bat that he has a private practice as well (I've been seeing him at a centre he works for). He also sent me a link to a hand strengthening tool on Amazon through Whatsapp so he has my phone number and vice versa.  

I need an excuse to not use him anymore. If I can get the healthcare system to cover my physio I'd have to change therapist. At the moment I'd feel bad switching without a good reason. He's good at what he does and I'm guessing he can use the money. 

Visions of massage therapist porn videos run through my head, I get myself off thinking about it. 

Bad, very bad.