Frustractions

Things got crazy sooner than I thought they would. Monday was traumatic enough to leave me in a crying heap on my bed trying to cheer myself up watching old Sherlock episodes.

Things have partially been sorted, so I'm feeling happier, even though my general mood is on edge.

I've avoided telling the bf what's been up because this way I avoid heated discussions about it.

I was hoping to go see a viewing of the Led Zeppelin movie/concert. Bf and I had tentative plans to have dinner with friends but I figured since they were tentative I could simply move the appointment. So, I asked bf if he wanted to go and he got all huffy and frustrated.

Just one more frustration to add to my already dire week. When I find something I want to do to brighten my week I'm often confronted with his frustration... At least it seems that way.

I ended up going on my own and thoroughly enjoying it. Too bad the guys next to me were all tobacco and popcorn smelling older men with greying/balding ponytails and beer bellies who were loud talkers.

By the time I'd made up my mind to move it was over.

Experiencing Orgasms

This is what got me off today. I brought myself close, for as long as I could. I'm not usually one for getting close and then backing off, and getting close again and backing off... But today I teased myself throughout almost the whole little video. I love the beginning, it reminds me of playing online, where each person can see the other but can't touch.

When I couldn't hold back any longer I let the orgasm wash over me in waves and spasms. They weren't the usual violent spasms, they were more like rolling waves.

I find that my orgasms change depending on the situation, depending on how I get myself off, whether I penetrate or not and how I feel emotionally. I think my most common orgasm is relatively violent, strong spasms. They are short and debilitating. They often bend me almost in half.

On occasion though I've experienced a type that starts like a fire in my belly and I can feel it creeping through my veins, through my muscles like lava and it burns from the inside out, down my legs and up into my arms.
Today was different yet again. It was more relaxed. It felt like a calm sea and its waves lapping at the shore, rolling over me one after the other over and over and over. It was long, it made me gasp and groan but it didn't cause my body to double. It was a series of slow spasms that just kept coming as I lie on the couch. It made me want to stretch out like a cat and smile. The spasms continued for ages getting less intense as they came until I could barely feel them.

Maybe I should take more time with my orgasms... letting myself get close, backing off and building myself up again.... I definitely think I should experiment more... see how many different types I can find.

A bit of everything

DAD
The best news I've got is that my dad sent me a very brief email saying his PSA levels have gone down (which is a good thing.... I had to look it up). I'm not sure how long he has been on his new homeopathic diet and regime but it seems to be helping. I hope that it continues like this. I'm quite confident that it will. He's such a positive person that I believe he could will away any illness.

ME
I'll be starting my crazy winter schedule the week after next. It'll be pretty slow between now and the 22nd more or less.
I'm not looking forward to the winter months. I'm still hunting for an apartment, and I'm wondering whether what I'm looking for is even possible to find.

I've been thinking of making a few changes on the blog. Maybe add a set page or two. Not sure yet though. I like to keep things simple. I think people appreciate simplicity. If you have any suggestions/advice please leave me a comment or drop me an email. One question I have is whether the pink on white is legible and easy on the eyes. I find it's ok but might look into changing. Let me know if there are adverse effects I am unaware of! I will definitely stay away from white on black and black on white.... one to save eyes, the other is just too boring.

DD
One of my "Sex from the Past" partners just re-surfaced, DD. He's the one I regularly had sex with when I headed back home. This was before Rob of course. He got married and had a kid so that story ended quite abruptly. We're friends on FB, we used to keep in touch more... that is before he got married. We would say hi on occasion.... just small talk mostly, but I stopped hearing from him definitively after he had his kid. That was over 3 years ago.

Today.... yes, just this morning, I got a private message from him about a concert in my area. It simply says: "you should go to Florence on Thursday night to see Wilco, I bet you'd love it."

Wow. I'm kinda blown away. There was no "hi, how are ya". No "what have you been up to?". What I do know, is that I posted some stuff from the Radiohead concert I went to and I'm assuming it got him thinking about me connected to music. A lot of our original connection was around music, we used to go to see live bands together, go dancing and talk about music, he even had a little radio job. It's nice to hear from him though. I'll write a nice friendly answer, asking how he's doing. But I won't be surprised if he doesn't answer.
Come to think about it though, he probably will answer, he's a super polite guy, I doubt he'd ignore my email, unless his wife had access to his account or something.

ROB
I haven't really been in touch with Rob much lately. I'm hoping to catch up with him this evening. I've tentatively set up to meet him online tonight. I do get nostalgic and go through old emails and stuff on when I don't see him on Skype for a while. It's never a good sign, but luckily this bout was mild.... I just hope I catch him online today because if not I'll be right back reminiscing on the weekend and if I delve too far, I get sad. I'll just try to keep myself busy this weekend.

My neighbour (the one who knows about my move) asked me, while the bf was out, if he should ask the bf and I if we wanted to go to London with him and his Gf. I told him not to because I wanted to go on my own at some point. I asked him to leave me the option to get away alone to visit my friends there. He had imagined as much. I wonder if he suspects my going over for other reasons. I'm guessing he does, he reads me like a book.  I didn't bring this up to talk about his suspicions, it was more to say that going over to see Rob is still high on my list of places to visit and things to do in 2013. I'm not sure when I'll go... but I will go if Rob still wants me to. I think though that I need to visit some other regions of the UK so that bf has less reason to be suspicious.

A gift for Rob

I want to play...

*click*

with you.

Will you play with me?

I technically can't send him pics until he does his task, which he still hasn't done, hence my posting some new ones here. I'm hoping he'll stop by. It's a long shot. I can't tell when or if he comes on anymore. I used to be able to, now there are others that come on with the same broadband company and it's hard to tell. 

*let me know if you see them hon*

Thanks and Co-Worker

First of all I want to thank everyone for all the kind wonderful words you've all left for me either in comments or in emails. I haven't gotten back to anyone but believe me I appreciated every single word and they have helped me cope with my fears and anxieties. I wanted to get back to each one of you personally, but I didn't. There are reasons for that but each one would be an excuse and most likely I was lazy and possibly wanting to avoid having to think about things too much. I guess there's a part of me that wants to ignore the situation.

Co-Worker

I've been working with him a lot again, Monday and Tuesday especially. Monday was odd. He was in a terrible mood I'm not sure what was up, but he was angry and moody. I think he'd had a falling out with one of the women we work with.
We had lunch together on Monday. I told him about the concert I'd seen last week. He was really friendly and talkative, we got into discussions about the band, the opening band, radio shows, and my feeling a little out of the loop in terms of music here. We joked around and were back to our friendly playful selves together.

It was a while since we were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. It was nice... really nice. I think it really improved his mood for the afternoon too.

Tuesday was much of the same. There was no flirting which was nice, it was just that friendship that I don't want to lose and that I miss often.

Tuesday I mentioned my father's cancer to him. I had to fight not to cry when I told him. He was positive about it and I was left feeling good as well. Problem is that my brain searches for the distractions. If I don't want to think about something my instinct is to find something sexual to keep my mind busy. It's the same thing that happened when my mother died, it's the same thing that happens when I'm not in a good head space.... It's always been that way. I guess I'm just coming to terms with it and understanding it better now.

So the rest of Tuesday my mind kept wandering to his body next to mine in bed that morning. The warmth of the night, his touch on my side. It's like an epileptic seizure (I've no idea what they're like, I  just imagine them like this), my mind is engulfed in this memory, the emotions, sensations, smells and sounds all come flooding back and take over for a brief moment. It's debilitating.