Thanks and Co-Worker

First of all I want to thank everyone for all the kind wonderful words you've all left for me either in comments or in emails. I haven't gotten back to anyone but believe me I appreciated every single word and they have helped me cope with my fears and anxieties. I wanted to get back to each one of you personally, but I didn't. There are reasons for that but each one would be an excuse and most likely I was lazy and possibly wanting to avoid having to think about things too much. I guess there's a part of me that wants to ignore the situation.

Co-Worker

I've been working with him a lot again, Monday and Tuesday especially. Monday was odd. He was in a terrible mood I'm not sure what was up, but he was angry and moody. I think he'd had a falling out with one of the women we work with.
We had lunch together on Monday. I told him about the concert I'd seen last week. He was really friendly and talkative, we got into discussions about the band, the opening band, radio shows, and my feeling a little out of the loop in terms of music here. We joked around and were back to our friendly playful selves together.

It was a while since we were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. It was nice... really nice. I think it really improved his mood for the afternoon too.

Tuesday was much of the same. There was no flirting which was nice, it was just that friendship that I don't want to lose and that I miss often.

Tuesday I mentioned my father's cancer to him. I had to fight not to cry when I told him. He was positive about it and I was left feeling good as well. Problem is that my brain searches for the distractions. If I don't want to think about something my instinct is to find something sexual to keep my mind busy. It's the same thing that happened when my mother died, it's the same thing that happens when I'm not in a good head space.... It's always been that way. I guess I'm just coming to terms with it and understanding it better now.

So the rest of Tuesday my mind kept wandering to his body next to mine in bed that morning. The warmth of the night, his touch on my side. It's like an epileptic seizure (I've no idea what they're like, I  just imagine them like this), my mind is engulfed in this memory, the emotions, sensations, smells and sounds all come flooding back and take over for a brief moment. It's debilitating.