I'm sitting here with the intention of doing a lot but instead I feel overwhelmed. I just made myself cum, maybe a half hour ago and I shared it with Rob for the first time since we met up. I slowly sent pictures of the whole process. They were black and white taken in my white armchair. I had knee high stockings on, the same ones I wore as he fucked me in England, and a pair of panties, not much else. And no, I'm not posting them, they are for him only.
I worked alone, he wasn't an active participant in my orgasm, he was at work. I sent them knowing he was enjoying them, reading his words of encouragement but working alone in my fantasies.
I knelt down in front of the chair on a little foot stool. I took the last few pictures and then I switched to video. I wanted to send a clip of me cumming. I bent over to lean on the chair and as I did the memories of him fucking me over the back of an armchair flooded my mind and my orgasm hit hard. I wasn't ready, I wasn't expecting it. Video-op lost.
Since we met I've been quiet with him. I had to take some time. I was in what I could only describe as a 'rut'. He asked me about my rut after I came. I tried to explain it in a text, but he already knows. It's not hard to figure out. I had a million things going on in my mind and they were obscuring reality. I have found that without realizing it we delude ourselves into thinking things, even if we consciously know that they can't happen. It's like we know something through to the core but there's a minuscule part of us that still hopes or believes or wishes it could be different. And maybe it is, in a parallel universe somewhere, maybe that's why that one little part is so convincing.
I'll be leaving for a long trip at the end of December with the Bf. We'll be travelling for 50 days, Panama and Costa Rica. I am really looking forward to this. I love Mexico and Central America so I think it'll be good. I am also looking forward to the time away. I'll still be connected, on occasion, I think. But I hope to take a step back from everything from work to the internet.
I had a lot planned this afternoon. I was supposed to make Christmas presents. Instead I'm sitting here organizing my thoughts onto a blank page. Maybe it's for the best though. I think I needed it.