The bf and I had a talk.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go. I was so nervous before the conversation that I felt sick. He just texted me and said that he'd be coming over at 2:30. I had some fear that he was going to outright break up with me. I had my own doubts whether I'd break up with him. I knew that if our conversation was ugly I would be the one to say it was over.
The conversation, however, was not what I expected. There was more arguing, more discussion, more explaining but no tears or explosive anger from the previous conversation.
In the end he did not apologize and I accepted this fact. We are still together.
There is no decent explanation I can give to explain my choice except that the bf doesn't often try to dictate what I do. This was close to a first... I can't say for sure it was the first time but in the 18 years that we've been together I don't remember another time clearly. The fact that it came out as an order was not deliberate, or if it was deliberate, he certainly won't be trying it again after what just happened.
He could have worded things differently. He could have suggested rather than ordered, he could have asked, he could have expressed his concerns or doubts differently. I reacted to his words and the situation degenerated.
I will obviously be on the lookout for signs. I am in a constant state of questioning my relationship right now, and this seems to be a cycle I go through. There are ups and downs and I guess this is a down.
I appreciate each and every comment my friends/readers have left here: Canuck, Peter, Johanna (so happy to hear from you!), Lee, Anon1 and 2 whoever you are. I know that my sticking with him may exasperate some of you. I don't know if it's the right choice. I truly don't. But for now, it's what's happening.
We're heading on holiday for 10 days. I'm hoping to see my stress levels melt. I feel like the internet, this country and reality is just really getting in the way of my happiness right now. I need to get away from it.