Wednesday, August 3, 2016


After the incident with the bf on Sunday we talked. We talked on Monday. I was upset, I cried, I was angry and I let out some of that, within reason. I was not harsh with him. I made it clear though that his comment hurt. He took it fine, he apologized for it, he showed regret for it and I told him: "you can say sorry all you want but if you cut off someone's leg, 'sorry' isn't going to put it back together."

Yesterday I was feeling more positive, I was still hurt, still angry but hoping he would be on his best behaviour so I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach Tuesday afternoon. It went well. We were good. By the time evening rolled around we had plans with friends and family to meet up. I went to get dressed. I wore a maxi-dress without a bra. Now, in summer I rarely wear bras anymore. It's 37°C most days and evenings are in around 33°C, I have small breasts but I try to be conscious of what I wear, in that I don't wear see through garments without a bra, and I don't wear things that are too low cut so that when I bend over I avoid men peering down my shirt.
The neckline on my dress came up to my collar bones almost.
He told me; outright ordered me to put a bra on.

Let me take a step back. A few nights ago (before the Sunday child comment) we were heading out just the two of us and I decided to go braless and he did the same thing. I refused, and he insisted. He said that I was just trying to attract attention. I refused again and he made a comment about asking to be raped. I got angry but controlled it and told him to be very careful about making comments like that, mentioning that women are not responsible for men's actions.

Back to last night. I asked him why I should put a bra on. His answer was that my "tits are hanging out". Which they obviously weren't, my dress was high enough and the cotton was certainly not see-through. Yes, my nipples were not taped up, but I'm personally not too bothered by that.
When I said no again and insisted that my "tits weren't hanging out", from there things degenerated. I told him that I could wear what I want and that he has no say in what I put on my body. I was furious. I did not react well. I'm sure that I probably went overboard in my reactions but this situation mixed with the bra comment from the other day mixed with the Sunday comment about kids, I just had a meltdown.

We sort of managed a half discussion at some point during the argument and he said that his main issue was that when he goes out with his friends and they see a woman dressed in certain ways, someone always makes lewd comments and it bothers him. So I told him that he should talk to his friends about the way they comment on women, not expect women to change what they wear. But this didn't seem to register with him. He was angry about my outburst instead.

We went out, handled the evening with friends and family, but didn't talk the whole car trip there or back and haven't heard from him today.
I have many things running through my head. My sister is trying to convince me to talk to him, maybe giving things some time to settle first. What feedback I got through the blog comments and Rob is that he's acting like a dick. I have an urge to cut things off completely. I think he mentioned it during our argument yesterday because I was saying that he was walking a fine and dangerous line.
I told him that between all these comments that things weren't looking good. And he said something about breaking up.

We're both really angry and I don't know how to fix my anger. I don't know if I have the patience to talk to him, to educate him on women's rights. That it's men who need to control themselves more. However, I am dealing with someone who grew up in a religiously conservative culture. He may not be outwardly religiously conservative but he has that background.

In fact one of the things he said to me was "I've always bought you short skirts, so you can't say that I normally have a problem with you dressing in certain ways".
My answer to that would have to be (since I didn't have the insight to say it yesterday) "so if you decide I can wear certain things it's ok, but if I decide to wear certain things it's not?"

I'm tired. So very, very tired.
We're supposed to go on holiday next week. Really not sure that is going to happen.


Fellow Canuck said...

Relationships are work but sometimes you have to ask is the effort to make it work worth it?
Seems to be a bit controlling and can't handle not having control. Is he worth it?

Anonymous said...

Don't try to fix your anger, decide if you can fix the problem. Sometimes you can't.

His attitudes about women, and about you are disturbing at best, he's not listening to your concerns and he's focusing on family and "modesty" and his future, not yours, or you two as a couple.

It's not your job to educate him, he should be defending you and not making excuses for his backward friends.

This song comes to mind.

You are spending a lot of time angry at him these days. I think that it's a sign. You need to find joy outside the two of you. Your art, your talents, your time, and your energy can be better spent elsewhere.

Lee said...

Maybe his remark was a prompt to re-assess the relationship. If his medium term goal is to have children , and you think there is a good chance that you wont be able to have any- then maybe you should have a frank discussion with him on this possibility . This maybe be a constant source of friction going forwards and perhaps you should nip it in the bud while you can :-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Cande, I haven't replied to your posts for ages, but I always read, only that I've been on a mobile that won't easily change from my "ordinary life" Google account. Anyway, reading this makes me furious. I wouldn't bother to go on with him to be honest. You are a lovely, smart, sexy and no doubt beautiful woman, it's not like you will be alone forever if you break up with him, why not give it a shot. You two don't seem like you're heading towards a future you're both looking forward to. I do realise you go way back and there is so much more to your relationship than the few things you share on here, but these latest comments represent such a fundamental rift, I'd never even try to make him understand because if he doesn't already, after all the time you spent together when he must have picked up so much sense coming from you, there will never be a change. Hugs from Johanna

Peter Princip said...

He does not mind you dressing in "certain ways"?

That sounds so much like slut shaming and someone who is really confused and jealous. He wants you dressed to suit his mood and desire, like a play toy barbie doll. He gets to dress you up for the office and church, and when he wants, he will pull off your clothes and look at your smooth parts...

I can't stand it when a man "tells" a woman what to wear, it is SO controlling in a bad way. I also can't stand when a man gets all upset that other men are looking at the woman they are with...WHY?

I LOVE it when someone hits on my wife, as long as they do not get inappropriate. My wife gets to dictate what is inappropriate also, not me. She will give me a look and I step in. If I feel like stepping in, then I do...but I do not blame her and what she is wearing.

It just seem so petty and controlling.

BTW...I LOVE your small tits and I LOVE it when I see a girl bra-less and showing some nipple. I don't go all gaga over it and stare and I don't think less of anyone. Most of the time it is just a part of the scenery. If you are hot AND are bra-less AND have some nipple just makes me happy for both of us!