Release

There have been very few occasions when I've cried during an orgasm. A couple with the bf and a couple with Rob. 

Neither person has ever noticed as far as I know. It's not like I break down into a sobbing mess. 

I'm not sure how long it's been since the bf and I had sex. But I do know it's been over a week since I've had an orgasm, even on my own. I've been incredibly horny for days. My nights were spent dreaming of sex to the point I wasn't sure if I'd possibly had a nocturnal orgasm the night before Christmas. But with the bf here I hadn't ventured into masturbating in bed with him sleeping next to me, even if I've done it numerous times before. 

This morning, after he got up for a few hours to let me sleep in, he crawled back into bed with me and we had sex. 

The orgasm was self assisted and it was frustratingly difficult to reach but when it came I screamed into his pillow and cried. 

The tear factor always confuses me. I'm never quite sure what causes it. There's this momentary and very intense sadness that hits me and I have no idea what I'm sad about in that very precise instant. It's obviously not just sadness, there's happiness, joy and most definitely a fucking huge release. 

It's this intense rush of emotions, chemicals flood the brain and muscles go into a frenzy. Fuck is it ever good. 

Perspective

When I get myself off without any visual aid I live inside my brain. It's an odd thing to analyze, I know because I've tried before and I'm not sure I was very successful. I'd like to try again. 

When I think of sex, when I fantasize about sex, my brain tends to choose a perspective or two. One is my own perspective. I visualize things as if I'm seeing it myself. However this is not my brain's preferred perspective. My brain's preferred perspective is from the guy's point of view. To the point of imagining what he would feel. 

My brain will switch back and forth between the two depending on what is more appealing. 

From the man's perspective I can imagine what it would feel like to thrust a cock deep down a throat. I can imagine holding a woman's ass as she's being fucked from behind. To be honest the woman is always me. Yes, this seems weird even to me. I can picture my (man) self fucking my (woman) self. But my 'man self' is not actually me. It's just me seeing through my partner's perspective. 

I imagine that on reason for my empathy; this capacity to feel what he is feeling, comes from porn. The imagery we see is almost always from his perspective. It has been engrained into my fantasies. I have never seen a porn video eroticize men like most porn does with women. I would be curious to see that. The only types of videos that do are gay porn, which is probably why I don't mind (though I don't actively search for it) gay porn. 

Another reason comes from my innate need to please. I want to please my partner so much that I embody his person's perspective. How else will I know if it pleases him? 

Crafty Christmas

The holidays are always a difficult time here. Normally bf works on the evening of the 24th so I'm home alone. It's a little depressing. I miss the family dinners with chicken, stuffing and cranberry sauce and Christmas pudding doused in liqueur and flambéed.

I'll be home alone on the 24th again this year this year though we are leaving on the 25th with his family to visit a nearby city.

Last year was lovely. It was the first (possibly second) time I've had a normal Christmas while living in this country. We went to Florence for a night, we left on the 24th and spent it having a nice dinner. Then on the 25th morning we woke up and opened some small gifts in pyjamas. It was homey even if we weren't at home, or anywhere near a Christmas tree.

The holidays are always the hardest as an ex-pat. For me it's mostly Halloween and Christmas that make me homesick. Easter wasn't a huge thing with my family, although I do miss Easter egg hunts.

I've been super busy these days though. I've barely had time to think about Christmas. I've been making gifts for people. Every free minute I have is spent crafting something or other. Crafting keeps my mind off everything. It's better than sex... at least, it is at the moment, since I'm not getting any.