Thursday, September 28, 2017

Some days


Some days I feel like I want to hurt myself. I never do but I can clearly picture myself hitting my head against the wall so hard I bleed. I don't know why I get these images. I know it's usually out of frustration and anger but why would my brain decide that pain and injury are the best way to solve the problem?

Today is one of those days. And it's not really a bad day either but I've had a weird (non) argument with the bf. I need cheering up. I wish I had a distraction. Maybe my brain thinks pain is a good distraction.
There's also a fascination with injury and healing the injury. It's like there's a process that is significant and symbolic. I love watching things heal. It's this quantification of time in some way. I can track time by watching something heal. Normally I'm terrible with time. It's a concept that is a little foreign to me. I don't understand it really. But healing I understand. I can see the progress of it.

When I was with Rob, one of the best parts was watching the marks he left on me heal. The hickeys he left on my neck or the minor bruise I found on my arm would slowly, over a week or more, fade. What is the symbolism there? There's part of me that wishes the injury would leave a permanent scar at times. I wish I could have a permanent memory of an event. I suppose that's often why people get tattoos. I would want mine to be invisible or indistinguishable to others, something that only I can understand and recognize. But what's the symbolism behind wanting to watch something heal? I'm always a little sad when it heals mind you. I wish I could watch the progress forever.

Tattoos are something that fascinate me but only superficially. I've always been on the sidelines. If I got a tattoo it would have to be something in plain sight that no one would know is a tattoo. I was tempted to get extra freckles tattooed, something that I could see but that nobody else would know they were there. Like freckles in a constellation or in formation. But the healing factor is missing. It would be something that doesn't really morph or change. I can't track time with a tattoo and that's the element that fascinates me the most.
A cut would work. It leaves a scar, it heals and it changes until it leaves a permanent mark. But I'm not one to cut myself. Never have. I think I tried it as a kid once.

I'm weird. I know.
Would you make an incision on a girl if she asked you to, if you knew the reasoning behind it? It would be on a finger, a thigh or an arm... maybe an ankle or the foot... someplace I can see, possibly in plain sight for others even... I like the idea that people can see it and ask about it, it would be a reminder of that day, that event. Then I'd lie and tell them another story. Or I'd say I don't remember how I got it.

6 comments:

Jsmith said...

You are a very beautiful lady and I find you very stimulating. I love reading your blog. I think I would do anything you asked me too if I was your friend. I really do think you are amazing.

phoenix said...

I like the tattoo idea. The one I always wanted was one that looked like a cut on my leg. The blood would be red at first but changed to black closer to the cut. It would symbolize the pain I've been through emotionally. That probably sounds weird.

Peter Princip said...

I feel the same way with injuries, not really bad ones, but small ones. Hockey pucks leave a mark, a battle wound...I love them. They hurt like hell but the symbolize effort and devotion...and they make me feel strong. Sex injuries are also great. However, scratches, bites and hickeys are bad for me...I really have to hide them. What I like more are the sore muscles in my inner thighs or bruises on my pelvis from fucking. Every time I stand and feel the tightness I remember holding her body and thrusting...I get hard with the memory. Sexual soreness is amazing.

Advizor54 said...

Please don't hurt yourself.

That being said, a small mark, a cut, an incision that marks you as mine would be wonderfully symbolic and a great addition. But, it's a dangerous path to walk. LIke tattoos, knowing where to stop is the battle most people lose.

bdenied said...

you are not weird. Like the monk who was beating himself with a whip and was asked why he does it, his reply was so simple,'BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD WHTN I STOP!"

Peter Princip said...

It has been a month since this post...

Are you all healed?