Tuesday, June 12, 2018

This Secondary Life I Am Leading is Fading.

Hi, It's Been a While.
Why am I coming back now? I've basically left this blog for dead. There are a number of factors as to why. Most of them being simply related to my waning desire to keep up with things on here. They trickle down into the fact that blogger pulled their app from Apple products so I couldn't update from my phone anymore, making it that much harder to keep up.

I wonder if anyone is still out there, if I'm on anyone's radar anymore. Don't suppose it matters much. I have a total of three friends from Blogger that keep in touch on occasion via email but I'm even bad at getting back to them. This secondary life I am leading is fading.

It's fading. I've lost interest. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I've lost my desire somehow. It disappeared a long time ago. Not even sure when. It's my desire to feel sexy, to be sexy, to want guys to notice me. I ignore it all now.

How are things going with Rob?
Well Rob is still on the scene, but in a somewhat distant manner. I saw him for a flashing instant online in a crazy kick to try getting off while bf was taking a nap the other day. Bf woke up and I had to hang up the video call. But before that, it had been over a year since I'd seen him I think... I may be wrong, it may be 9 months.... I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him in a video call. We may have talked in a normal phone call between then.
He asks me regularly when I'll come see him, and I regularly try to sort it out. I even look at flights, but then life gets in the way and I can't seem to sort it out. It's also hard to justify going to see him when I've already got another 3 trips planned for this year.

Things with the BF?
I'm at a point where I can't stand the BF. This is likely temporary though. I go through periods, as we all know. There have been a number of episodes that could warrant a post each but I'm not sure I want to get into all that detail. I'll break them down  briefly:

His Trip to Romania and Prostitutes: After a trip with a friend to Romania he received a phone call from (a different) friend while I was in the room. I could clearly hear the friend asking about the women in Romania. The bf got flustered and started talking loudly over him to try to shut him up. I got suspicious and wanted to look into his phone (he has a recording app that records all his phone calls). Didn't manage that until the next day and the call was gone. He'd deleted it. I confronted him about the phone call (not mentioning that I tried to find it on his phone) and he even offered to play me the recording so I accepted. When I did, he started to refuse to play it "why should I play it for you? Why should I give up my privacy because of you?"... suspicion rising... finally I confessed that I'd gone looking for it and it wasn't there. He was "surprised" and proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking for it. A long discussion about prostitutes followed where the final result was that he can't understand why I have anything against them (which I don't as people). But I do have an issue with the men who fuck them. He got really worked up about it and kept repeating "they're just people too!"".  My take on this is that there is a possibility he slept with a prostitute while on his trip or that he has used them in general. Something that I do not condone. He acted suspicious.

My Paranoia: I can't shake the paranoia. I honestly don't know if it's a part of my mood swings or what but I get to the point where I feel like I'm close to insanity. There are things that trigger me and I will go on a rampage through the bf's stuff, through his phone and wallet, I'll break into his apartment (which I never go to, even when he's there, but I have keys) and I go through everything in his house. The most recent event was triggered by an ejector tool for SIM cards that I found on the passenger seat of his car. He generally keeps it behind his phone under the silicone cover but oddly it was sitting on the passenger seat. When I started thinking he must have a second SIM card somewhere I searched his car, found another ejector tool in the cup holder where he keeps change. And yet another ejector tool in his wallet. However I found no secret SIM card. It got to the point that at 4:00am when the bf was sleeping at my house, I sneaked out of the house and rode my bike to his to see if I could find anything. Again, I found nothing. I'm still not convinced though.

The Cat: The latest issue is a birthday present. It was my 40th birthday this year. The bf got me a simple diamond infinity type ring. His relatives (nieces, brothers and sisters) were all asking him what they could get me and he convinced them to get me a kitten. This was his decision, not theirs. He went and looked for one online, did all the leg work and brought it home. Don't get me wrong, I love cats, I've always had them, and I've recently been contemplating the possibility of having one, but not a kitten. I would have got myself a shelter cat most likely a grown one.
Since the arrival of the kitten the bf spends more time at my house, uses his keys to get in when I'm not here, doesn't buzz me to open for him, just lets himself in and I feel guilty saying anything about it. He is really attached to the kitten, to the point that he calls it "his cat" jokingly. He distracts it constantly even when he's sleeping with me or playing with me, trying to call its attention away from me. The kitten was really attached to me when I first got it. It would follow me around and only sleep with me. I get the impression the bf has made it his mission to take that away from me. Spending as much time as he can with the fucking thing. I have gotten to the point where I want to tell him to take it to his place. I try really hard to not be possessive and jealous over this. However it's a very distinct impression that I get but I can't prove it so I don't know if I'm insanely jealous and imagining things or if there is some basis to my sensation. I know that if I point it out he would deny it he would call me crazy and get really offended. It would be a constant bone of contention after that.

 Sex, or Celibacy?
I don't remember the last time I had sex. It was a long time ago and it may have been a year ago... Maybe longer, maybe less.... it's really hard to say. I have no record of it. No wait... it just donned on me. I had a pregnancy scare. That was July last year.
What the fuck am I still doing in this relationship? Is sex this important or does a 20 year marriage to someone mean more than staying sexually active?
I mentioned this to Rob. He had three things to say: one was that bf must be getting it elsewhere. He asked surprised why he isn't fucking me. And he wants to be the first to fuck me in over a year.
Part of me is turned on by that and part of me is just sad. I've lost 90% of my libido. I don't really get horny anymore and if I get myself off it's something like a few times a month at most.

Why am I back?
Not sure. I felt like I just needed some space I guess. I needed a place to get this down, get it out, see it in a physical form. Try to get my head around whether I'm nuts, whether it's worth me holding on to something that seems to be non existent (my relationship with the bf). I don't know if it's worth it... How many times have I said this?


James said...

welcome back, wish your situation was better. Sucks about the libido and much of the other stuff. I hope there's some good stuff going on in your life. Keep your head up. We're here, how every many that still is, if you need us or anything.

Cande said...

Hey! Wow, a person! Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe I'll manage to keep up. No promises but I will give it a go.

dog3oy said...

we are still out here, happy to see your still alive, i get the mojo to update and the libido... i'm having the same ups and downs.... moving to amsterdam giving me to mojo to keep it all up...

but yeah, we are all still floating around

Cande said...

Hey dog3oy! Wow it's been ages. Good to hear from you and good to hear you're keeping the Mojo up, moving to Amsterdam sounds pretty awesome!

Advizor54 said...

You've never been alone out here. Many of us remember and miss you.

It's time, IMHO, for you to move on from the BF, maybe move back home, or with your sister. Get a fresh start, new energy, new friends, a happier heart.

You are to wonderful, talented, smart and beautiful to be so sad.

JFBreak said...

Advizor54 gives good advice. I'd go with what he says.

Cande said...

Advizor, Thanks. You may be right, and I have been contemplating it yet again... I just don't know I'll have the courage to do it. Anything is possible though.

JFB thanks. It's good to see your comment on here. I am glad some of you are still out there!

Michael said...

Glad to read your words once again. I have been wondering how you've been making out. I think it really is time for a change.


Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first comment.

Don't really understand what you get from you BF except for some sort of twisted version of "stability." He's distant, petty and immature. Moving on would likely solve some of your issues regarding libido and paranoia.

Glad you're back!

Cande said...

Michael: Thanks it's good to hear from you and to know that you're still out there!

Anon: Thanks so much for taking the time to write a comment. It really means a lot... more than you may think.
I think you're right and I am considering breaking it off with the BF again quite seriously. This is not the first time, and I've even gone through the motions with the BF before. I'm not sure I'll have the courage though. Sometimes the illusion of stability seems better than the unknown.

Mike129 said...

Missed you!!

And, yes, I think it is well past time to move on from the BF. You are an amazing lady, and you can do so much better. Most guys would love to be part of your life, and you deserve the sort of relationship that fills you with joy!


Anonymous said...

So nice to be able to read your words. I hope that you’re feeling healthy. I have been looking for you for some time now and was pleased that you took a moment to catch us up. Keep your chin up

Peter Princip said...

Good to hear from you!!!

I was really worried with your last post, so long ago.

There is a lot to unpack in this post...

Ebony Panther said...

Wow. You're back. I'm glad you're back, even if it's sporadic. Sorry to hear that life's kind of rough these days. The whole world's gone crazy, uncaring, insular. Strange days these days. I'm glad you're still around. You're one of my bright spots on my online experience.

Cande said...

Wow I never expected to see so many people respond.

Mike129: Thanks, Maybe I'll manage it... maybe. No promises. I'm not sure I'm capable of sustaining a joyful relationship. Fingers crossed.

Anon no2: thank you for writing. I am healthy, that is certainly a plus right now. I'll try to keep up more.

Peter Princip: Yeah I needed a break. I'm back though, at least for a while.... can't guarantee it'll last long.

Ebony: you always have kind words. Thanks. I think you're right though, the world is getting to be a crazy place. I'm never quite sure how to handle it most of the time. Anyway, thanks. Hopefully I can keep up.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!
Happy to read you again.
Just starting to catching up with your story - no spoilers please :o)

There is nothing MORE sexy than an intelligent woman.


Osbasso said...

Oh, well, hell. I've cut back from social media quite a bit and apparently missed your return. I've missed you.

john smith said...

I admit that since you have been gone I have not checked back for sometime. I was very happy to see you had updated your blog. I love reading about what has been going on in your life. I have missed you very much. I do hope you will stay for a while! Thanks for your return!