Saturday, July 14, 2018

It's Done. Broken. Over.

It's been two weeks I think. I've lost track. It was a Thursday that I finally told him. The conversation was simple. So, so simple. I told him that I thought it was time to let go and he simply said yes. We talked about it. We hypothesized alternatives but none of them were feasible.

We took the weekend to think things over and met up on Monday. He needed to talk. He needed to set some records straight. He got a lot of things off of his chest and it wasn't angry or anything. It was simply pent up things that he needed to get out: those feelings he never managed to express all came tumbling out in the form of excuses and regrets. There were moments I could have answered, given my side of the story but I didn't. I avoided any conflict. I didn't want to get into any of it. I didn't want to create an angry break up or feelings of guilt.
The only thing I got into was the stuff around kids. And that upset him. Hearing about his behaviour around that made him angry with himself. 

He mentioned a few times that maybe in the future things could change. I said that I doubted it but that in reality there's never any guarantee of anything so who knows. I know deep down that it's over though.

We are still in touch, we have been texting a once or twice a week. He has taken almost everything from my place. There really isn't much left here. I feel sad and am in mourning of course, but I feel isolated and alone. I feel scared because 20 years with someone is a long time and I don't know where to go from here.

The week we broke up sucked ass. The cat got sick on the Wednesday, he had an allergic reaction to the vaccine. I had to take him to the Vet three times in two days to get injections and various medications. It was scary as fuck and I thought he was going to die.

One of the harder things I've had to deal with is telling people about the break up. They ask why and I just look at them blankly. I don't know why after 20 years it fell apart. I mean I do, but I can't exactly tell them the whole story can I? I've come up with the phrase, it became routine, the relationship just ran out.

The other major issue I've had is that I told my boss, she told one of my good friends (lets call him John) and he told his wife (Jane) and another friend in common (Ted). Great! I'm actually happy about that, it saves me from telling people. But then they pretend not to know. WTF?! And yesterday I find myself telling people and they pretend to act surprised.
After seeing the whole group yesterday without any mention of it I texted Ted and said "You know right?" and he said yes but not to mention it to John because he'd get angry.
I told Jane in person last night (who pretended to be surprised) and instead John (her husband and the one who told Ted) texted me this morning saying that his wife broke the news to him and that if I needed anything etc.

What pisses me off about this whole thing is the pretending that they don't know. That and the fact that they couldn't just send a message saying "hey, we heard... blah blah, if you need anything or if you want to go out let me know."
Even after I told everyone not a single one asked how I was or how the BF was doing. We've known some of these people for 20 years.

His family on the other hand has been amazing. His sister called me and told me that I am still part of the family and always will be. His nieces who I love very much texted me and told me they love me and that I will always be their aunt. Losing them hurts a lot. I love their company and they're such great people.

Now I just try to keep busy. I am planning a few trips. One is to the UK. Yes I'll likely see Rob.
The weird thing is that things seem to have turned around. There's a weird domino effect that happened after the break up. Financially my investments turned around and I got noticed by a local gallery. I walked in as an translator (I do translation work for them) wearing one of my jewellery pieces and they ogled it and asked me to bring in more so they could put them on their website to sell in their online shop.

Positive things happening in all this.


james said...

glad to hear things went well and that you're doing well. Maybe people thought you wanted to tell everyone, or it was some kind of secret, and they weren't supposed to tell anyone else, that's why they are acting like they don't know. That is a little weird. Keep your head up, and enjoy your time alone, or with some new people. It's too bad you don't live closer to me.

Mike129 said...

I am happy for you! I am sure this will turn out to be the right thing. <3

Ebony Panther said...

Thinking of you & hope that you're coping as best you can. I know this has been a long time coming but it's still hard. If there's anything you need or just someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to get in contact. At least a few positive opportunities have happened. Congrats on those opportunities.

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling, 20+ year relationship winds up and your not sure how to express it.

just keep the friendship and move forward with relationships.


Peter Princip said...

Positive vibes your way...

It is cool that you ex and his family are being cool about it, very adult...not something I am used to seeeing. I imagine the honesty and openness was cathartic and very healthy. Its like a weight has been lifted...and you find yourself uncomfortably floating. Exciting and scary, happy and sad all at once.

Cande said...

Thanks everyone. It's really nice to hear from you all and to read so many good wishes for the future. I think things are moving along positively. So I'm confident that I've made the right decision still. I feel like I'm constantly expecting myself to waver on this, but I'll deal with it when that comes.

Osbasso said...

Well, it's been a month apparently. I'm sorry/glad to read this. I think you'll find you're stronger than you think.