Thursday, December 3, 2009

Old Flames

Why are old flames called old flames? Because they can re-ignite really easily, and you can get burned.

I was on facebook the other evening and I commented on an old friend's post. It's a guy I had a huge crush on back at the end of highschool. He was the crazy painter/musician type. He was tall, lanky and in my opinion cute. He was sexy as hell when he played guitar and sang. He had this nonchalant way about him, especially when he played guitar. Moody, dressed in leather... long black hair....
I have a weak spot for artists.

The Facebook story goes that I ended up starting a chat with "Raoul" (that's what he used to call himself). I had already done so, but it was just a "hello, what have you been up to" chat. This time it was intense, it made me break a sweat, it made my heart beat just a little faster.

He said that he had been jealous of my boyfriend at the time. Which to me is crazy because I broke up with that guy and started falling in love with Raoul. And I ended up telling him that I wished he had made a move on me way back. He admitted to kicking himself for not making that move. He said things that made me think he regretted not following through.

Back in that happy past I wanted him pretty bad. I followed him to every concert I could get my fingers on. We hung out a lot. I remember him admitting, at the time, that he would have made a move, except he thought I was too young. I was probably 17 at the time, he was 20.

I even asked him to come to my graduation. He refused, and I asked someone else. Only that the week after that he went back on his decision and accepted. And I couldn't go back on my word with the other guy. Fuck, that stung.

It was summer, just out of school forever. I wasn't signed up at any universities, and I was about to go on a tour of Europe with a choir. This is when Raoul asked me if I wanted to go to Italy with him to study art in an art school there. I accepted. He was serious. But when I told him that it was a real possibility for me, and that I was seriously going to buy a ticket, he backed out.

This is partially why I'm here in the first place. He put that idea in my head, going to Italy and staying to go to art school. He doesn't know that. I managed to keep that detail to myself... for now.

Chatting to him put crazy ideas into my head, how I'd like to meet up with him, have him fuck my brains out softly, I really really desire him. He's still hot, I saw pictures. He does animation for a TV series that I don't remember the name of. He does art shows, and he has become the lead singer/songwriter and guitarist of a new band. He's going into the recording studio soon and he said he'd send me a cd when it's done (somehow I doubt that will happen). He is newly divorced, with a kid.

Oh how I want him....... I always have. When I think about it, I want it so bad it hurts.
I have to stop thinking about it...

Why can't I help dwelling on the past?


Leonhart said...

I feel like you have mentioned this guy before? I might be wrong on that, but the name and the sentiments and the story sounded familiar to me as I read them.

I suppose there will always be people that "could have been". That they aren't, and that they suddenly become potentially available, is a heart-renching feeling for sure.

My advice: if you're happy enough with what yo've got, enough not to want to lose it, then leave it be. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy some 'harmless' flirting. God knows you're good at that!

Cande said...

Haha, Leonhart. You're right I think I may have told the story before. I couldn't find the post to link to it.
Funny thing is that my mouth says that I should hold on to what I have, and I believe it when I say it, but my head tells a different story, more often than I'd like.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, might have beens are always a problem... But as you said at the beginning of the post old flames reignite very easily and you can get burned. Enjoy the flirting, but be careful!