I am having a hard time these days. Winter sucks. Summer is so much better. Much less depressing.
So yesterday bf and I were in a good mood we had planned to go to Ikea to pick up some things for the house, we've been doing a little re-furnishing.
He's driving and I'm in the passenger seat, stuck down in between the driver's seat and the handbreak is a receipt. I grab it to throw it out, but I have this stupid habit of reading things before I do that to make sure they aren't important.
It was a receipt for cigarettes.
For those of you who haven't been following long bf quit smoking about 10 or 11 years ago. I have known him to have the occasional cigarette, he has never admitted it though. I've never been happy about him smoking and I would never condone it even if it was occasional. To me if you quit you quit... you don't have an "occasional" smoke, the habit comes back all to easily.
So I show him the receipt dated the 28th of November, with Diana Blue 10 written clearly on it and he still tries to weasel his way out of it...
I let it drop, start reading my book and tell him that it is best that I just read. But he doesn't let it sit. He starts talking about it and we get into this discussion, because it wasn't a fight, no-one yelled or got angry really. But the idea was that he's been lying to me about smoking for years. He sometimes gets home smelling like cigarettes and I ask him if he's smoked a cigarette and he always says no.
I hate that he lied to me. I know this is going to sound strange and extremely hypocritical. But I consider myself to be a pretty honest person. Maybe I'm delusional... is it possible to be fucking around online and organising to meet guys and still consider yourself honest??
I don't lie on a regular basis is what I'm getting at I suppose. I don't lie if he asks me things outright. If he asked me if I was screwing around online, I would probably tell him the truth. I hate lying.
He doesn't consider his lies important. His reasoning is that if he told me the truth then he'd feel "free" to smoke anytime he wanted (because he can do what he wants) and he might end up getting back into the habit. So he'd prefer to keep lying to me... Does that make sense? Does that condone his lies?
I haven't decided yet. No matter I'm disappointed and sad. I'm a bit depressed and I might just help myself to a few gin lemons this evening while he's out to take the edge off of things.