Sex Was Had

Oh yes... This morning. It felt like I was getting fucked by a monster cock... though bf is perfectly normal in size, if not a little on the small side. It had been way too long and I forgot what it felt like or something.

I didn't cum... I actually faked it for the first time ever I think... I'm not actually sure why, probably to give him the go ahead to cum. I could tell he was having a hard time holding off. I hate faking an orgasm, I generally think that I'm terrible at it or that he'll figure it out or something but he didn't seem to notice.

I'm wondering though whether it is possible to tell if a woman fakes it or not. I was thinking about it as it was happening, I paid attention to the muscles in my body and how they were different to a real orgasm. I think the legs would be the easiest giveaway. I think the muscles in our legs contract and tighten involuntarily. It's the whole "toe curling" thing... our toes don't necessarily curl, but our legs do go quite stiff, our feet probably point or pull up... in one direction or another.

One thing though that is incredible with bf is that he somehow just knows what I want and how... he's telepathic during sex. Today he put his hand around my throat and squeezed ever so slightly. He never does that. He may have done it once before, and if he did I was surprised the last time too. It's something that I realized I liked after seeing Rob... How on earth the bf just knows these things is beyond me.

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So bf and I watched the film 'Closer' the other night. It was frustrating because I was supposed to meet Rob online. Bf had gone out for a drink with a friend came home and joined me on the couch. I was hoping he'd head straight to bed, but he didn't. Then I hoped he'd fall asleep on the couch, but that didn't happen either. He was riveted by the film. 

It's a film with Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Jude Law and Natalie Portman. It's this crazy love square between the four of them, that just gets worse and worse. It ends on a rather depressing note. Fact is that it was slightly uncomfortable to watch together. I kept wondering why he was so glued to it. He falls asleep during EVERY film we watch together and he didn't during this one. 

As a friend said, maybe it was just because he liked watching Natalie Portman as a stripper (yes she plays a stripper).

But it does make me wonder whether he has been having an affair. For the past 4 months or so, bf has been shaving, or at least trimming down there. This is totally new for him. We've been together for almost 15 years and he starts trimming when we're not having sex? hmm makes me wonder. Better late than never though... lol I prefer it trimmed, if I have to give head especially.

Anyhow, I'm not worried or jealous (at least not yet). I may even feel slightly relieved if it were the case. It would take the pressure off me later when I manage to find a place. I guess I'll understand better when things get moving in that direction.

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I wanted to thank everyone for such kind words about the HNT pics, you guys are the best. I also wanted to welcome a couple new commenters. Thanks for stopping by! I had a lot of traffic yesterday, so it was also nice to see that there were a lot of lurkers. 

If you couldn't find the third pic it was in the last ! mark after the HNTversary in the text above the picture. 

HNT is back!!! (temporarily)

Happy HNTVERSARY!!!

Check out Osbasso's page to see who else is up for this anniversary! You'll find everyone in the comments of his last post.

**Oh yeah there are three pics ;) **

Merry Christmas....or something.

Co-Worker
I went into work today to give everyone they're little xmas gifts that I made. Co-worker was there of course and when he came in he barely said hi. He doesn't get along with one of the women I work with, and since I was talking to her I assumed it was for that reason.

We exchanged our gifts, got paid, and talked a little about our work situation for the new year and our boss decided to take us all to the cafe and to get pastries and coffee.

On our walk there Co-W came up right next to me hooked his arm around mine and proceeded to ask me how my dad was.

I can't even remember if I'd written it here or not but my dad has prostate cancer.

I'd mentioned it to Co-W briefly, months ago, and it was never brought up again. It was super sweet of him to ask though, or even remember for that matter. I told him that things were great, my dad's PSA levels are down more than the last test and are within the "low limit" now.

I asked him how his gf was getting on with the pregnancy, he was all enthusiastic about how they did a pre-partum course and got showed all sorts of cool stuff. He was so happy to talk about it. It was nice to see him so ecstatic.

I am really glad that we had the 4 minute conversation and contact. I feel really good about our friendship, I wouldn't want to lose it.

BF
I have left Bf's gift to the last minute. I couldn't figure out what to get. I finally opted for a couple rounds on a race track with a Ferrari or a Porsche. I'm not buying it but I will print it up and give it to him. If he doesn't like the idea we can pick something else. I'm hoping he'll say yes and we could make a sort of weekend of it and I'd pay for a night or two in a nice hotel, maybe with a spa, his birthday is in Jan too so I always have to double the gifts around this time of year....

I'm not really into the Christmas mood, yesterday was hellish... but I think things are looking up. I just need to remember to just relax and enjoy things, try not to stress myself out about everything.

Right.... As for everyone else MERRY CHRISTMAS or whatever other festivity you celebrate and if not enjoy the free time you'll have to yourself during the holidays, I know I will!

Hugs to all... and yes I'll be around during the festivities. Plus there's an HNT comeback so expect me to be up for that!

XOXOXO

A Smile

I actually burst into laughter yesterday as I passed by Office Guy's window. He moved a whole foot and a half to watch me pass and this time with a smile. His first one. He finally got his timing right. The only thing is that he closes his blinds too early in the afternoon so when I walk by after my lessons he's  hiding behind his blinds. Or maybe he doesn't work in the afternoons, maybe he only works part time.

I'm a little worried he's going to try to talk to me at some point.

Leading Him On.

Before I start the usual update, are there any strippers/prostitutes/escorts with a stable relationship reading this blog? I may have an email that could interest you. Do you know someone who fits this description, another blogger maybe? Could be a scam, but it seems there's a tv crew looking for candidates for a docu-series. They pay to film you in your relationship. They're looking for loving relationships that work even if one partner has a 'different' lifestyle.  If you're interested let me know I'll pass the info along.

It's funny how things go. The name of the my blog diary when I first started was "secret diary of an online stripper" and so I often get emails like this just because of the name. It's still the URL.

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So I walk past the Office guy every Wednesday morning and today, like every other wednesday he was sitting in his fish tank window. The window is quite big, but it also has a large blind covering it so I can't actually see into most of the window. He used to keep the blind shut, he started keeping it open about 2 months ago but only partially, only enough to see his chair and part of his desk.

This morning, when I walked by, I turned my head to look at him, smiled and kept walking and he moved his body to continue to watch me. He doesn't smile, he always looks kinda surprised, which is fair I guess. I know I'll be walking past him but he doesn't know when I'll be coming by.

On my way back home I walk past again, but by the time I do, he's either on lunch or in a meeting. He has never been at his desk when I walk past after my lesson but his blind had been opened twice as much as before.

It's fun but I admit that it's not exactly fair of me. I'm leading him on, poor guy. I'm making it look like I'm interested when I'm just having fun with it. Sure, he's cute, he's probably a bit younger than me too... I'm guessing a couple years younger than me, but if he ever gets it into his head that he wants to find out more about me, or if he decides that he wants to talk to me I'll end up in trouble. Especially this close to home.

Maybe I should lay off going past his window when I can avoid it. I have been making an effort to go past, but I could often avoid it....

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One of my student groups is a group of women in their 60s. We got to talking about a friend of mine who was in a terrible relationship here and ran back to her home country to get away from him.

We ended up talking about relationships in general and one of the women happened to mention that when she and her husband retired, they really had a rough time with it because being around each other 24/7 is frustrating. You see everything that person does and you nit pick about it. She said something wise, she said that both partners have to find their own space and time, and if you don't, you'll end up ruining the relationship. I knew this already, it's not the first time I've said it myself but hearing it from someone who has been with her husband for 40 years makes all the difference. When I talked about getting my own place all the ladies agreed that it was a good solution.

This was the last lesson before the holidays and as we left and said our goodbyes they paid me all sorts of compliments about my teaching abilities. It was sweet, to the point that I was moved.

When I got home though my happiness dissolved into frustration at seeing the bf glued to his computer, as he has been for the past 2 months. He's doing an English course online but to tell you the truth he spends 6 hours a day in front of it and when he's not doing that, he's watching something or doing other things on the computer. I can't complain. I'm not allowed because he has always nagged me about spending too much time on the computer. But it does frustrate me to no end. It seems like he doesn't do anything productive whatsoever. I don't see the progress because the English is all written and reading, he still can't speak and he doesn't try with me at all. To boot he actually finished the course and just recently started it again... yes people he's doing it over. Whatever... I can't say anything, I'm an English teacher, I'm the first one to say that everything counts but I just can't get my head around this.

Winded

Yesterday was pretty relaxed, spent on the couch making Christmas gifts while I watched movies.

I was just minding my own business when I heard a song on the movie The Big Chill that knocked the wind out of me. It wasn't the song that did it, it was the thoughts that followed it.

I don't easily get winded like that. It was a good winded. Butterflies in my stomach winded... But my stomach jumped into my throat, like a roller-coaster ride or like some cat was going after the butterflies. It made me mutter 'fuck'. It wasn't really anything new too, it was something Rob said to me last time we met up online. But I've thought about it more than once and not had this reaction. This just caught me off guard or something.

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I still haven't had any sex with the bf, it's been months. I tried last night, but got anxious and dropped the idea after two hours of contemplating it. When it's been this long I get anxious if I have to initiate. My heart races and I feel weird.

This week will be busy, but I'm hoping to break the ice this week.... Who knows.

Free spirit.

Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend of mine. We sat for quite some time and chatted. We ended up talking about our relationships. He is going through a similar situation to mine, except his is much more complicated, involving a kid and a house. His is also worse, he doesn't love his partner anymore whereas I still need to find out.

My possible mistake was telling him I wanted to move out. He knows the bf and all our friends and he likes to talk.

In any case the nice thing is that he called me a free spirit. It was nice because it's how I often feel but didn't realize that I emit that energy, I didn't realize that others take notice. I think that people don't see it I guess. Anyway, it was a first. No-one has called me that before...

Office guy

So there's this guy.

I live in a condo complex that has a set of offices at the entrance and the same company has offices across the street.

When I leave for work I basically have two choices for directions, one is towards the city centre and I don't walk past the office windows, the other I walk towards the train station and I walk past the office windows.

The guy got stationed at the office at the entrance of the condos for a while this past summer but got moved back to the ones down the street. We've kept an eye on each other. It started in summer of course, but I now make a point of walking past his window when I can.

Yesterday it looked like he almost got up from his chair to watch me walk by. I started giggling and couldn't stop smiling about it.

It's silly but I love flirting. Even though I know it won't go anywhere.

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Salty and Sweet, the Balance.

I saw Rob the other evening. It was everything I could possibly have ever wanted from an evening with him online or even a live meeting for a few hours. It was the perfect combination of talk, giggles, letting each other in on personal aspects, sex and sexual innuendo.


There are times when we get together where he takes advantage of me, of the situation. He just uses me. And there are times, like the last one, where he is completely there; 100% concentrated on me. I must have some kind of sadistic need for that though. I enjoy being used, it turns me on to no end, I fantasize about it, but it doesn't necessarily satisfy me.... Being looked after does. He definitely looked after me the other night.


He dedicated the entire evening to me, he was a complete altruist and totally unselfish. I love both. I need both. I crave both, just like I need salty and sweet foods to balance each other out. Once I have a pack of chips, I need chocolate to balance it out. Balance is absolutely key.

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I've been so exhausted these past days. I get repetitive. I'm sure that if anyone were to go back into my archives around this time of the year you'd find the exact same words repeated every year.

I teach evening classes and I've got more private students in the afternoons this winter. They seem to be intensifying too. I've got two new groups I teach privately. I've been working my ass off. I need a vacation and the only things I can think about are finding a new place and getting back to England to see Rob neither of which seem to be on the horizon anytime terribly soon.

I've done some more apartment hunting but nothing has come up. I find it increasingly hard to look because the bf is constantly home, it's cold out, and I can't make calls while the bf is home. I can't go out without him asking where I'm going so it's hard. Sometimes I wonder whether it might just be worth getting a decent but not perfect place and then continuing my search from there. I know it would be a pain in the ass though and would rather find the right thing immediately.

The bf has picked up on my frustrations to the point that he actually mentioned he wanted to be at work on the one night I'm home from courses. He works one week-night a week (apart from Sat and Sun) and it's always a toss up whether it'll be Wed or Thurs, I teach Wed. I'd obviously love if he worked on Thursdays, but I have no say in the matter, neither does he. But I found it interesting that he mentioned it.

Christmas is getting close and I haven't done anything in terms of christmas shopping. I was planning on making my gifts this year, but I've had so little time to do it that I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. The gifts I've been planning on making take time and I just don't have much. The time I do have I end up slumped on the couch unable to do anything. Teaching really does take a toll.

In hiding

Ive been hiding from my online life in general. Real life has been busy. Ive been busy making and creating objects. I need to get a move on for Christmas gifts. I'll be making them again this year. It's not to save money, I most likely spend more on the homemade gifts than store bought ones, but because I like making personal gifts.

I made waffles today and offered some to. Rob, he accepted, and I ate them.