Thursday, December 6, 2012

Salty and Sweet, the Balance.

I saw Rob the other evening. It was everything I could possibly have ever wanted from an evening with him online or even a live meeting for a few hours. It was the perfect combination of talk, giggles, letting each other in on personal aspects, sex and sexual innuendo.

There are times when we get together where he takes advantage of me, of the situation. He just uses me. And there are times, like the last one, where he is completely there; 100% concentrated on me. I must have some kind of sadistic need for that though. I enjoy being used, it turns me on to no end, I fantasize about it, but it doesn't necessarily satisfy me.... Being looked after does. He definitely looked after me the other night.

He dedicated the entire evening to me, he was a complete altruist and totally unselfish. I love both. I need both. I crave both, just like I need salty and sweet foods to balance each other out. Once I have a pack of chips, I need chocolate to balance it out. Balance is absolutely key.


I've been so exhausted these past days. I get repetitive. I'm sure that if anyone were to go back into my archives around this time of the year you'd find the exact same words repeated every year.

I teach evening classes and I've got more private students in the afternoons this winter. They seem to be intensifying too. I've got two new groups I teach privately. I've been working my ass off. I need a vacation and the only things I can think about are finding a new place and getting back to England to see Rob neither of which seem to be on the horizon anytime terribly soon.

I've done some more apartment hunting but nothing has come up. I find it increasingly hard to look because the bf is constantly home, it's cold out, and I can't make calls while the bf is home. I can't go out without him asking where I'm going so it's hard. Sometimes I wonder whether it might just be worth getting a decent but not perfect place and then continuing my search from there. I know it would be a pain in the ass though and would rather find the right thing immediately.

The bf has picked up on my frustrations to the point that he actually mentioned he wanted to be at work on the one night I'm home from courses. He works one week-night a week (apart from Sat and Sun) and it's always a toss up whether it'll be Wed or Thurs, I teach Wed. I'd obviously love if he worked on Thursdays, but I have no say in the matter, neither does he. But I found it interesting that he mentioned it.

Christmas is getting close and I haven't done anything in terms of christmas shopping. I was planning on making my gifts this year, but I've had so little time to do it that I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. The gifts I've been planning on making take time and I just don't have much. The time I do have I end up slumped on the couch unable to do anything. Teaching really does take a toll.


Advizor54 said...

People who don't teach have no idea how exhausting it can be. I've taught computer classes, project management, and team dynamics and you are the one who has to infuse energy into everyone else. It's draining, and you aren't allowed to have a bad day, or even a bad hour in front of the group. I can only imagine the challenge of teaching at night when you and everyone else is already tired from a long day.

As winter sets in you MUST try and find time to get exercise, it's the best thing for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), otherwise known as the winter blues. Get out in the fresh air, take you headphones with you, walk across town and make your calls from a cute little cafe.

Anonymous said...

"I enjoy being used, it turns me on to no end, I fantasize about it, but it doesn't necessarily satisfy me.... Being looked after does."

This line turns me on to no end....

As a man, I love using...having my way. There is also a deeply satisfying feeling when you care deeply for the person you are using. I feel very "manly" when I am "looking after" a girl, caring for her as she cares for me....

That is one thing that is missing in my life. I don't ever feel cared for on a deep level.

Ebony Panther said...

I use as well. However, my use comes from a severe need to look after my woman. It's the only way I feel satisfied.