Monday, December 15, 2014


I've gone through most of my life rather indecisive about the topic of having children. When I was a teenager I met a palm reader who looked at my hands and said I'd have three kids. I scoffed and later, with my friends said I'd have at most two. I'd never have three.

With the bf, the topic of children came up often since his nieces were always begging us to have kids. We would joke about the fact that we already had one, our parrot was our kid. We even told his nieces that I gave birth to the parrot and I was only capable of having more parrots. The middle niece grew up with the notion that our parrot was in fact our child. When he died just a year ago she was upset about it. He'd been with us for 15 years so it was sad for all of us.

The bf has never brought up the topic of children with me. I have, in the past, brought it up with him, asking if he wanted kids. The outcome was traumatic, so much so that I wrote about it. Mind you I can't find the original post it so maybe I didn't. 
To sum it up when I asked the bf whether he wanted kids his answer was "no because if it were a girl it would be like you".
I ended up in counseling for that comment.

Years later, sometime in the last two years, we talked about it again, I told him about his comment and he obviously didn't remember it but he said I must have misunderstood. It's possible, I really don't know. Bottom line was that he wasn't looking to have children within the next 5 years. I specified the 5 years because I decided that having a kid after 40 wasn't going to be likely for me.

The whole family thing is probably part of my reason or separating from the bf. If I'd had a partner that was really keen on starting a family, I probably would have. Fact is my situation with the bf was a combination of things including a large part of his attitude towards me, his lack of openness about his love for me. I felt like an ornament rather than someone to have a family with. There was never talk about marriage or kids.

My biological clock is ticking so loudly these days that I have urges to bring it up again with him but as the logical thinker I am it would be a mistake. Having a kid with the bf would bind me to him in a way that I'm not sure makes sense right now. The strange thing in all of this, and this isn't the first time I've said this, but I'd much rather entertain the idea of having a child with Rob.
Impossible, yes but the fantasy turns me on more and more with my clock ticking the way it is.

So what are my options? Break up with the bf hoping to find someone, fall madly in love and build a meaningful relationship within the next two/three years and have a kid at the age of 40 (really, really unlikely). I could ask the bf again, and (granted that I convince him) have a kid with him even though I've made the decision to live separately from him, or I could just plain give up.

Sadly the last option seems like the only viable one and it pains me to admit it.


Lee said...

Sperm Doner ?

Cande said...

Hm a valid suggestion. I guess it's just a preference. I'd rather have a family than raise a kid on my own. I'm not that gung-ho about having a kid in the first place. Sure I will regret not having one later, but the thought of raising a child on my own scares me more.

Chaosm said...

Wanting is more tempting than having.
The desire.
The promise.
The sweet torture.
Wanting Rob...
Wanting children...
Wanting... more.

Wanting is so beautiful.