Sunday, January 4, 2015


On my last post I got some great suggestions from Anon. I will consider them each.
I think for most of the suggestions though there needs to be an openness about my decision that I'm not sure I'm ready to share with the bf just yet. Apart from my being rather shy and not 100% able to talk to the bf about sex easily, It's always such a difficult topic with him, it's difficult to bring up because it makes him more uncomfortable than me which in turn makes me uncomfortable.

-Make time to be together without distractions (no phone, TV, computer)

Easy to say, not so easy to do... however it is worth a try and if we manged to talk about this whole thing it would probably get woven into our conversation.

-Find reasons to get in bed (invite him to spend the night with nothing scheduled the next morning)

This doesn't happen often unfortunately. I work weeks, he works weekends, while he doesn't often have anything on Sat or Sunday morning he's not up to much after work on those evenings, during the day on Saturday I work, and Sunday generally gets taken up by the rest of life.... seeing friends etc.

-Find excuses to get naked (massage, shower, lingerie fashion show)
This could work. I'd have to find the right things, massages work, shower possibly... fashion show: unlikely... long story, but suffice it to say he was a jerk and I was burned.

-I also think that getting over to his place where he feels like he is in charge might help. He likes to be dominant, you like to be controlled, perhaps arriving with a cute outfit, a chocker, and kneeling as you greet him might do the trick.
Yes, this makes sense and I'm sure we'll take some of our energy over to his place too. He is not the dominating type, he is quite the opposite, I think he prefers to be dominated. I am often too shy to take any steps there so unless he says something to me about it we'll just play along the lines we always have. I've shown him how to be slightly dominating with me but more than that he won't go. As for showing up in cute outfits... again it's connected to the burn from a surprise I set for bf years ago and I'm not going through that humiliation again.

-you also might want to share your goal with him. If my partner set such a goal I'd certainly help them meet it. 

See first paragraph... yes, probably the best course of action let's hope I can manage it.

Has anyone here ever tried scheduling sex, like totally writing it into a calendar? Do you think it would be a mood killer or would it be like a fun play-date?


Anonymous said...

I tried to schedule it with the gf to get her more into it since she doesn't have a strong drive, but it turned her off more. She said it felt like a chord and that it wasn't organic. I also tried to give us s goal of number of times in a 10 day period...she shot that down too

Advizor54 said...

Monday night's are on the calendar for me. No TV, no email, just get the kids in bed and shut down the house. it doesn't always work but it does sometimes so it's worth the effort. Now, "Can I be Monday night" is code word for sex and that helps too.

Johanna said...

I think it depends - if one wants it and the other doesn't so much, then scheduling might just make the one who wants it less feel pressured, and nothing good comes from that in my experience.

But if both want to have more sex but you just don't seem to make it happen for various reasons, scheduling should work, no?

In my case, I was the one who wanted less, and my husband wanted more. I also wanted different things than he did... um yes these two were connected. But anyway - I knew a schedule or goal would just freak him out (and me) so I set a personal goal at once a week to start with, and set a latest date for myself; I chose Fridays, as in "no later than Friday". It certainly made me more aware and made me seize opportunities that I otherwise wouldn't have. It worked well for frequency, but sadly quality was still an issue so that sort of killed the experiment.

I still do the frequency calculation though.. if I only left it to when I'm feeling like it it might never happen, and since I do love him and know how much it means to him I try to not let more than two weeks go by without sex (which honestly is hard enough, since it seems either he has a cold or I do, or I'm on my period, or we're getting up really early etc) (we only do morning sex). Anyway, my frequency thinking does help to conserve a minimum of intimacy, which is important to our marriage. When we go to long without we both get distanced.

Chaosm said...

It is easier to indulge in hedonistic sex without the pretensions of loving or being loved, yet always in the hope of making something resembling love.
This is the allure of distance.
Where you can't be hurt.
For when we really fuck, we escape, especially from the problems of love.

Peter Princip said...

My wife likes the schedule thing, it turns me off. I have always hated the statement, "We NEED to have sex." As in 'I don't want to but it is necessary to keep up appearances.'

I, like you, have been burned by her. I don't instigate sex anymore due to being rebuked so many times. She does not instigate sex (and never has) for reasons that I will never understand so I will not even venture a guess.

The other way I have been burned is when expressing my desires and being dominate and having her express her distaste for it.

Ultimately none of it turns me on anymore, the result is we have not had sex since November.

If you find an answer to your problem...please