Friday, September 11, 2015

The Deepest Intimacy.

I had a boyfriend years ago. He wasn't my first, but he was my most important apart from the bf. We were together a year. He was not entirely sane, though he wasn't completely crazy. I think the crazy in him is what made him such a pivoting point in my life. I was supposed to marry him. We travelled Mexico together for 6 months and half way through the trip, sometime around my birthday, he asked me to marry him, rings and all. He got me a silver and amber ring. I said yes. I had just turned 18.

Just after we met, after we'd been dating for a while, we hadn't had sex yet, he took me into his basement room and we made love. We were naked, interlocked, his cock buried inside me and he looked straight into my eyes and said to me, if we're going to do this you have to be 100% open with me, don't shy away from anything, we have to give 100% of ourselves to each other.

Up to this point in my life I was shy. I was not entirely capable of sharing my emotions with people. I would clam up when angry or upset. He made me promise that I couldn't do that with him and I kept my promise. I tried my hardest to reveal every inch of my being to him. He taught me how to feel connected to everything. He taught me to be true to myself. He taught me to trust completely.
Sex with him was not sex. It was another dimension. It's the only way I can describe it. It was like entering an entirely different head-space. It was the most complete I've ever felt and that intimacy was so intense it was like we were one entity: mind, spirit, bodies.

The story doesn't end well, obviously, otherwise I'd still be with him. He cheated on me. He did ask me first though, I give him that, he was partially honest. I couldn't deal with his lust for his ex girlfriend and I forced him to choose between keeping me and fucking her. I gave him a week to decide. During that week he hosted a Halloween party and they fucked. I found out through his brother.

The goal of this post is not to bring up painful memories of the end of that relationship though. The intimacy of that relationship is something I miss a lot. I have never experienced that again with anyone and it's probably the closest I've ever been to 'true' love. Opening yourself to someone to that extent though is possibly one of the most dangerous things you can do. It leaves you entirely vulnerable and in my case, weak and pushed back further, in terms of trust, than I was when I met him.

It's sad how I crave that but at the same time know that I'll likely never feel it again because of my trust issues. I'm not sure I even remember how to be that intimate with someone.


john smith said...

It is very hard for me to be that intimate with any one, i wish I could be. It is good you had it at least once.

Marcus said...

It is rare and special, and while I'm not sure I've had that yet exactly I have at least had glimpses of it. I think one of the keys is agreeing and deciding upon this very early. I think there is a window at the start of a relationship that slowly closes, and once it's shut the chance to be completely open goes away.
P.S. - except for the ending it's a beautiful story.

Cande said...

John, I think it's hard for most people. It's such a rare thing, I'm glad that I got the chance too.

Marcus, Hey! good to see you here :) Yeah, I think glimpses are more common because everyone is capable but fear and trust issues scare us away from it. I'm not sure that it's only possible at the beginning but I do believe it's MUCH easier at the start. I really don't think it's a permanent closure, I think it would take a huge effort to get that door to open though in a longer term relationship.