So the trip to Istanbul.... It was amazing to see my sister obviously. It had been a year. The bf was aloof the whole trip. It was like a teenager that doesn't want to spend time with his parents on holiday so he sits in a corner on his phone or wanders off on his own to see things without us while we're in a cafe having a drink.
He didn't behave badly per se. In fact I was expecting it to go much worse. I was expecting arguments, big ones. That didn't happen. He left a day and a half before me. This was planned. I wanted an extra couple of days with my sister. He had to get back for work.
My sister and I had the opportunity to talk alone one day. She knows the bf and she has always defended him and tried to convince me to hang onto the relationship. This time however she was different. She mentioned that she could be biased because of what I told her about my paranoia before coming out to Istanbul but she thought that it was basically time for a change. She told me that his behaviour on the trip seemed strange to her. He was acting weird. She had asked him what he wanted to do on his last day in the city and he answered that he didn't know, he hand't researched anything because he didn't want to come. Basically saying that I'd forced him into coming.
On another occasion while my sister and I were in a shop that the boys (hers and mine) weren't interested in, he took off for a pub next door. He didn't mention it to anyone, and when my sister's bf went and found him with his beer, he sat down and ordered one too. My bf got up and walked off to go see some shops. Sure there's a communication problem, the bf doesn't speak much English so they wouldn't be able to communicate much, but really?? he got up and walked away from a guy who sits down with you to have a beer?
I have talked about it with my best friend and I've gone over the options and I've thought about it long and hard. There have been a chain of hints lately that have brought me to the conclusion that it's time to break it off. I keep trying hard not to say the phrase "try to break it off". I am fairly determined this time. I don't know how it will go. I fear it will be very difficult. I can't see any way of breaking a 20 year relationship off easily. I haven't been crying but I did next to nothing today, I just sat on my bed or couch sulking. I have been close to tears. The bf made a surprise visit to my place today and saw that I was lackluster. He kept asking me questions about why I was so down. I couldn't answer. I wanted to tell him right then, I couldn't find my words, it's like I couldn't think of any way to breach the subject. It was also just a mere hour before a lesson and I didn't want to get into it really. I sort of did, but I couldn't find the words.
I'm not sure when I'll do this. I don't know when the best time is, for me or him. I just want to get it over with and start moving forward.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Friday, June 15, 2018
Trip to Istanbul
Hey, I'm actually managing to keep this up... for now.
So I live far, far away from the rest of my family. Not just because I myself am an expat, but because all my close family are expats too. We all live in completely different corners of the world. My sister lives in Asia and will be coming to Europe (or close to it) to see me. She decided on Istanbul so I'm meeting her there.
Every time she comes to visit she comes somewhere close, but not to my home town since she's already been here so many times. This way I can meet up with her easily and have a quick vacation while we're at it. Every time she comes to the area she asks if BF will be able to join us and every time I ask him he hems and haws about it. Every time he says he doesn't know if he'll make it, doesn't know what his work schedule will be like. He says that if he goes on a holiday now he won't be able to afford our regular holiday in August. Since he's vague about whether he can come or not, it means that as my sister's trip gets closer she asks me the dates that WE're available, how many rooms in the apartment we should rent etc. Details that we need to settle before we travel and EVERY time bf stays vague and ultimately says he can't come at the last minute or only if I press him for an answer.
This has been three years now.
This year I got angry, I said that if it was an issue with money I'd pay for it, and lo and behold he accepted to come. I am regretting it now. I think it's going to be a nightmare, I may be wrong, but it's a gut feeling.
In the meantime I am seriously contemplating breaking it off again. If things go badly in Istanbul it'll be easier to do.
So I live far, far away from the rest of my family. Not just because I myself am an expat, but because all my close family are expats too. We all live in completely different corners of the world. My sister lives in Asia and will be coming to Europe (or close to it) to see me. She decided on Istanbul so I'm meeting her there.
Every time she comes to visit she comes somewhere close, but not to my home town since she's already been here so many times. This way I can meet up with her easily and have a quick vacation while we're at it. Every time she comes to the area she asks if BF will be able to join us and every time I ask him he hems and haws about it. Every time he says he doesn't know if he'll make it, doesn't know what his work schedule will be like. He says that if he goes on a holiday now he won't be able to afford our regular holiday in August. Since he's vague about whether he can come or not, it means that as my sister's trip gets closer she asks me the dates that WE're available, how many rooms in the apartment we should rent etc. Details that we need to settle before we travel and EVERY time bf stays vague and ultimately says he can't come at the last minute or only if I press him for an answer.
This has been three years now.
This year I got angry, I said that if it was an issue with money I'd pay for it, and lo and behold he accepted to come. I am regretting it now. I think it's going to be a nightmare, I may be wrong, but it's a gut feeling.
In the meantime I am seriously contemplating breaking it off again. If things go badly in Istanbul it'll be easier to do.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
This Secondary Life I Am Leading is Fading.
Hi, It's Been a While.
Why am I coming back now? I've basically left this blog for dead. There are a number of factors as to why. Most of them being simply related to my waning desire to keep up with things on here. They trickle down into the fact that blogger pulled their app from Apple products so I couldn't update from my phone anymore, making it that much harder to keep up.
I wonder if anyone is still out there, if I'm on anyone's radar anymore. Don't suppose it matters much. I have a total of three friends from Blogger that keep in touch on occasion via email but I'm even bad at getting back to them. This secondary life I am leading is fading.
It's fading. I've lost interest. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I've lost my desire somehow. It disappeared a long time ago. Not even sure when. It's my desire to feel sexy, to be sexy, to want guys to notice me. I ignore it all now.
How are things going with Rob?
Well Rob is still on the scene, but in a somewhat distant manner. I saw him for a flashing instant online in a crazy kick to try getting off while bf was taking a nap the other day. Bf woke up and I had to hang up the video call. But before that, it had been over a year since I'd seen him I think... I may be wrong, it may be 9 months.... I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him in a video call. We may have talked in a normal phone call between then.
He asks me regularly when I'll come see him, and I regularly try to sort it out. I even look at flights, but then life gets in the way and I can't seem to sort it out. It's also hard to justify going to see him when I've already got another 3 trips planned for this year.
Things with the BF?
I'm at a point where I can't stand the BF. This is likely temporary though. I go through periods, as we all know. There have been a number of episodes that could warrant a post each but I'm not sure I want to get into all that detail. I'll break them down briefly:
His Trip to Romania and Prostitutes: After a trip with a friend to Romania he received a phone call from (a different) friend while I was in the room. I could clearly hear the friend asking about the women in Romania. The bf got flustered and started talking loudly over him to try to shut him up. I got suspicious and wanted to look into his phone (he has a recording app that records all his phone calls). Didn't manage that until the next day and the call was gone. He'd deleted it. I confronted him about the phone call (not mentioning that I tried to find it on his phone) and he even offered to play me the recording so I accepted. When I did, he started to refuse to play it "why should I play it for you? Why should I give up my privacy because of you?"... suspicion rising... finally I confessed that I'd gone looking for it and it wasn't there. He was "surprised" and proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking for it. A long discussion about prostitutes followed where the final result was that he can't understand why I have anything against them (which I don't as people). But I do have an issue with the men who fuck them. He got really worked up about it and kept repeating "they're just people too!"". My take on this is that there is a possibility he slept with a prostitute while on his trip or that he has used them in general. Something that I do not condone. He acted suspicious.
My Paranoia: I can't shake the paranoia. I honestly don't know if it's a part of my mood swings or what but I get to the point where I feel like I'm close to insanity. There are things that trigger me and I will go on a rampage through the bf's stuff, through his phone and wallet, I'll break into his apartment (which I never go to, even when he's there, but I have keys) and I go through everything in his house. The most recent event was triggered by an ejector tool for SIM cards that I found on the passenger seat of his car. He generally keeps it behind his phone under the silicone cover but oddly it was sitting on the passenger seat. When I started thinking he must have a second SIM card somewhere I searched his car, found another ejector tool in the cup holder where he keeps change. And yet another ejector tool in his wallet. However I found no secret SIM card. It got to the point that at 4:00am when the bf was sleeping at my house, I sneaked out of the house and rode my bike to his to see if I could find anything. Again, I found nothing. I'm still not convinced though.
The Cat: The latest issue is a birthday present. It was my 40th birthday this year. The bf got me a simple diamond infinity type ring. His relatives (nieces, brothers and sisters) were all asking him what they could get me and he convinced them to get me a kitten. This was his decision, not theirs. He went and looked for one online, did all the leg work and brought it home. Don't get me wrong, I love cats, I've always had them, and I've recently been contemplating the possibility of having one, but not a kitten. I would have got myself a shelter cat most likely a grown one.
Since the arrival of the kitten the bf spends more time at my house, uses his keys to get in when I'm not here, doesn't buzz me to open for him, just lets himself in and I feel guilty saying anything about it. He is really attached to the kitten, to the point that he calls it "his cat" jokingly. He distracts it constantly even when he's sleeping with me or playing with me, trying to call its attention away from me. The kitten was really attached to me when I first got it. It would follow me around and only sleep with me. I get the impression the bf has made it his mission to take that away from me. Spending as much time as he can with the fucking thing. I have gotten to the point where I want to tell him to take it to his place. I try really hard to not be possessive and jealous over this. However it's a very distinct impression that I get but I can't prove it so I don't know if I'm insanely jealous and imagining things or if there is some basis to my sensation. I know that if I point it out he would deny it he would call me crazy and get really offended. It would be a constant bone of contention after that.
Sex, or Celibacy?
I don't remember the last time I had sex. It was a long time ago and it may have been a year ago... Maybe longer, maybe less.... it's really hard to say. I have no record of it. No wait... it just donned on me. I had a pregnancy scare. That was July last year.
What the fuck am I still doing in this relationship? Is sex this important or does a 20 year marriage to someone mean more than staying sexually active?
I mentioned this to Rob. He had three things to say: one was that bf must be getting it elsewhere. He asked surprised why he isn't fucking me. And he wants to be the first to fuck me in over a year.
Part of me is turned on by that and part of me is just sad. I've lost 90% of my libido. I don't really get horny anymore and if I get myself off it's something like a few times a month at most.
Why am I back?
Not sure. I felt like I just needed some space I guess. I needed a place to get this down, get it out, see it in a physical form. Try to get my head around whether I'm nuts, whether it's worth me holding on to something that seems to be non existent (my relationship with the bf). I don't know if it's worth it... How many times have I said this?
Why am I coming back now? I've basically left this blog for dead. There are a number of factors as to why. Most of them being simply related to my waning desire to keep up with things on here. They trickle down into the fact that blogger pulled their app from Apple products so I couldn't update from my phone anymore, making it that much harder to keep up.
I wonder if anyone is still out there, if I'm on anyone's radar anymore. Don't suppose it matters much. I have a total of three friends from Blogger that keep in touch on occasion via email but I'm even bad at getting back to them. This secondary life I am leading is fading.
It's fading. I've lost interest. Or maybe I'm just growing up. I've lost my desire somehow. It disappeared a long time ago. Not even sure when. It's my desire to feel sexy, to be sexy, to want guys to notice me. I ignore it all now.
How are things going with Rob?
Well Rob is still on the scene, but in a somewhat distant manner. I saw him for a flashing instant online in a crazy kick to try getting off while bf was taking a nap the other day. Bf woke up and I had to hang up the video call. But before that, it had been over a year since I'd seen him I think... I may be wrong, it may be 9 months.... I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him in a video call. We may have talked in a normal phone call between then.
He asks me regularly when I'll come see him, and I regularly try to sort it out. I even look at flights, but then life gets in the way and I can't seem to sort it out. It's also hard to justify going to see him when I've already got another 3 trips planned for this year.
Things with the BF?
I'm at a point where I can't stand the BF. This is likely temporary though. I go through periods, as we all know. There have been a number of episodes that could warrant a post each but I'm not sure I want to get into all that detail. I'll break them down briefly:
His Trip to Romania and Prostitutes: After a trip with a friend to Romania he received a phone call from (a different) friend while I was in the room. I could clearly hear the friend asking about the women in Romania. The bf got flustered and started talking loudly over him to try to shut him up. I got suspicious and wanted to look into his phone (he has a recording app that records all his phone calls). Didn't manage that until the next day and the call was gone. He'd deleted it. I confronted him about the phone call (not mentioning that I tried to find it on his phone) and he even offered to play me the recording so I accepted. When I did, he started to refuse to play it "why should I play it for you? Why should I give up my privacy because of you?"... suspicion rising... finally I confessed that I'd gone looking for it and it wasn't there. He was "surprised" and proceeded to spend 15 minutes looking for it. A long discussion about prostitutes followed where the final result was that he can't understand why I have anything against them (which I don't as people). But I do have an issue with the men who fuck them. He got really worked up about it and kept repeating "they're just people too!"". My take on this is that there is a possibility he slept with a prostitute while on his trip or that he has used them in general. Something that I do not condone. He acted suspicious.
My Paranoia: I can't shake the paranoia. I honestly don't know if it's a part of my mood swings or what but I get to the point where I feel like I'm close to insanity. There are things that trigger me and I will go on a rampage through the bf's stuff, through his phone and wallet, I'll break into his apartment (which I never go to, even when he's there, but I have keys) and I go through everything in his house. The most recent event was triggered by an ejector tool for SIM cards that I found on the passenger seat of his car. He generally keeps it behind his phone under the silicone cover but oddly it was sitting on the passenger seat. When I started thinking he must have a second SIM card somewhere I searched his car, found another ejector tool in the cup holder where he keeps change. And yet another ejector tool in his wallet. However I found no secret SIM card. It got to the point that at 4:00am when the bf was sleeping at my house, I sneaked out of the house and rode my bike to his to see if I could find anything. Again, I found nothing. I'm still not convinced though.
The Cat: The latest issue is a birthday present. It was my 40th birthday this year. The bf got me a simple diamond infinity type ring. His relatives (nieces, brothers and sisters) were all asking him what they could get me and he convinced them to get me a kitten. This was his decision, not theirs. He went and looked for one online, did all the leg work and brought it home. Don't get me wrong, I love cats, I've always had them, and I've recently been contemplating the possibility of having one, but not a kitten. I would have got myself a shelter cat most likely a grown one.
Since the arrival of the kitten the bf spends more time at my house, uses his keys to get in when I'm not here, doesn't buzz me to open for him, just lets himself in and I feel guilty saying anything about it. He is really attached to the kitten, to the point that he calls it "his cat" jokingly. He distracts it constantly even when he's sleeping with me or playing with me, trying to call its attention away from me. The kitten was really attached to me when I first got it. It would follow me around and only sleep with me. I get the impression the bf has made it his mission to take that away from me. Spending as much time as he can with the fucking thing. I have gotten to the point where I want to tell him to take it to his place. I try really hard to not be possessive and jealous over this. However it's a very distinct impression that I get but I can't prove it so I don't know if I'm insanely jealous and imagining things or if there is some basis to my sensation. I know that if I point it out he would deny it he would call me crazy and get really offended. It would be a constant bone of contention after that.
Sex, or Celibacy?
I don't remember the last time I had sex. It was a long time ago and it may have been a year ago... Maybe longer, maybe less.... it's really hard to say. I have no record of it. No wait... it just donned on me. I had a pregnancy scare. That was July last year.
What the fuck am I still doing in this relationship? Is sex this important or does a 20 year marriage to someone mean more than staying sexually active?
I mentioned this to Rob. He had three things to say: one was that bf must be getting it elsewhere. He asked surprised why he isn't fucking me. And he wants to be the first to fuck me in over a year.
Part of me is turned on by that and part of me is just sad. I've lost 90% of my libido. I don't really get horny anymore and if I get myself off it's something like a few times a month at most.
Why am I back?
Not sure. I felt like I just needed some space I guess. I needed a place to get this down, get it out, see it in a physical form. Try to get my head around whether I'm nuts, whether it's worth me holding on to something that seems to be non existent (my relationship with the bf). I don't know if it's worth it... How many times have I said this?
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