Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Back on Track

I'm back in the thick of things, and I've only been back for 2 days. Re-entry was traumatic to say the least. I got in later than I was supposed to (or I thought I would) bf was frustrated with me because I told him the wrong arrival time. He told me in the car that my boss' father had died Sunday (the day before). He was a man that was always in the studio where I worked. I was devastated. Not only was an amazing person gone (age 90), but it was going to take a toll on my already stressed boss. My hours this week just doubled because of this too.


I started texting Rob on Sunday saying that I was sad to be leaving London especially without having seen him. He simply answered "Sorry for wasting your time".
I promptly answered that he hadn't wasted my time that I just needed to know whether this relationship was going to continue or not. When I didn't get a response by the time I got home, I wrote him an email.
Fact was, I was contemplating just waiting to see what he'd do if I didn't write him. But I couldn't just leave it. I needed some sort of resolution.

The email explained very simply that I'd known him for 9 years, that I considered him a good friend, and that I wanted to keep him a good friend, I said that I wasn't ready to give that up, but if he wanted to I needed to know so that I could come to terms with his decision.

He answered the same day. It was an email that almost made me cry, I might have cried had I not been at work when I read it. I got teary and had to answer quickly but I came home and read it again.

The basic gist of it is that he "wants to stay friends and he never wants that to change". He panicked about seeing me and his "cock was making the decisions for him and he shouldn't have said he was up for it".
He feels bad for wasting my time and money. (he didn't waste my time or money... although it might have been easier for me to make a decision had he told me earlier)
He doesn't answer my texts sometimes because he's busy or can't (and I already knew that, I don't hold that against him... almost ever ;-)

What made me get teary was that he said: "I hate hearing that you are upset about things i have said or done(I read your blog) the last thing I want to do is make your life more difficult than it already is,if you want me to dissapear from your life I will do reluctantly."

I am so far away from that at the moment it's crazy. On the one hand I know that I'm getting myself into a stickier situation, that my feelings are more and more likely to get hurt. But at this point, I'm going to try to separate the reality of this from the online factor. I don't want his presence to disappear. I want him "around". I don't really care if we meet up or not as long as I know he's there somehow, somewhere. When I need him he's there.


Things just get crazier with him. Right, so my boss' dad just died, and we're all in a bit of a funk at work, although no boss around means more relaxed workers. Co-worker boy gave me a huge hug when he saw me Monday, another one in the late afternoon Monday and another again today. I think these were pretty much the first real hugs we've given each other... the others were of the more distant sort. He said that I looked happier, that I looked prettier, there was something different in my eyes.

He told me that the next time I go to London I'll have to let him know so that we can get separate flights and meet up there...

I don't think I even reacted to that comment. But it should have made me stop in my tracks. I mean, is he serious? Meeting up there on separate flights??? WTF??


I have stopped answering his texts. Although he's insistent and texting me every day. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. He is an odd one. I told him bf's brother was in hospital for cancer (which wasn't totally a lie, it was just the timing was off ;) and he texts me every day, and not once did he ask how the therapy was going... I found that strange... maybe I'm just weird though.


My guy friends at the cafeteria where I work asked me if I got any sex while in London. I promptly said, "I get sex at home why would I look for it in London?"... but then I forgot what I was actually trying to say when they interrupted me, and so my gay friend said "AHA! so she was after sex, otherwise that wouldn't have distracted her so much!!"
He was spot on.... strange that they'd notice. But as we all know, no sex was had unfortunately.


Advizor54 said...

I'm glad you are back home. Co-worker is trying to see if he can shock you or tease you or make you smile, he's a funny one. The question is if he's serious. Don't rush, just tease him a bit and see what he says.

Italian boy is a good write-off. Too young anyway. You don't want to love a sailor, gone too long around too many naked men. :-)

And as for Rob? As a person who finds themselves falling for people who are too far away, I know how he feels. He may never be able to commit to you or let you go. You are intriguing and wonderful and beautiful, so you will need to define the relationship for him in a way that protects your heart.

cheshirecat said...

Duh, it's pretty obvious why Italian boy doesn't care about what's going on in your life. He just wants to fuck. He's texting you to convince you to meet up with him and fuck. Why else would he be so persistent?