Mother

Sometimes I wonder whether my mother's behaviour influenced me. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe I'm wired to live my life like hers.

My mother was an artist.
She was loved by men in general. She never had a shortage of them. She married my sister's dad, got involved with my dad, got pregnant, got a divorce and remarried to my father. Years later she got involved with a man and left my dad.
From that point on she was free to see who she wanted and she had two important relationships and a friendship I suspect bordered on a relationship.

Fact is that she was always involved with men who had problems. Nothing terribly serious, nothing abusive. The last one was very OCD, the first was partially schizophrenic, although he was a musical genius. Both were musical, one was more intellectual, the other was "dumber". Strangely the dumb one was the musical genius. Think the movie Shine... Just not as good looking lol.

She died relatively alone. She had just broken things off with Mr. OCD- Intellectual probably trying to save him some heartache.

Her last wishes were to do more art.

Sometimes I wish I had that life. I long for it... When I logically look at it though, it seems very lonely and I doubt my cravings for it. This whole logic brings me to fear my getting an apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not chickening out. It's just what goes on in my brain.

Apartments and short term ex boyfriends.

Well I went to see that apartment, and yet again it was not what I was looking for. It was too small. The owner did mention that he knew of something larger, a neighbour of his, but I obviously won't know anything until they let me know. I'll probably make a couple of calls this week for places I saw advertised.

Over the past while bf has been acting a little funny. I think he's trying to exert his control or power over me in a sort of round about way. He jokes but I guess we all know that jokes don't really exist. He jokingly assaults me when I get home, asking me where I've been, even if he knows I've been teaching. He does it with a smile on his face, and I smile and say that I'm not going to tell him, but honestly he does it so often that I'm pretty sure he genuinely feels some kind of shift in me. It's slight, but it's there.

I've found some freedom, I don't tell him everything about where I go or how long I'm going to be and this is his reaction.

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On a totally different note I've been contacted by another ex bf on Facebook. This one is going through a divorce. He's got two kids. We dated during my year break from here after my first year of living here. I left bf, I'd decided to go back home, my visa and flight were up so I took them and went home. During that time I dated ooh somewhere around 4 guys in one year. Bf came out to visit which is what turned the table for me and I ended up coming back here.

Anyhow this guy was a very very short fling. He was a guy I was working with. I guess we had sex, but I don't actually remember the sex. He was an odd one though, constantly horny, constantly dry humping, even while asleep. He was nice enough, but just not my type. He found me on fb a few years back and I accepted his request. Now he's been saying hi... twice now, short conversations really... but I think he needs someone to talk to. It's funny how we get attached to our past like this. Even after a really short relationship this guy still places a certain amount of importance on that it.

It's a girl...

So I dropped by work on Thursday afternoon and co-worker was there. He was in a good mood. He found out the sex if the baby, it'll be a girl.

It was like he was a bit desperate or something though. In the 10 minutes I was there he was up to his usual trickery. He came up to my face real close without reason, kneed me in the back of my leg, blew me a kiss and as I was leaving stuck his tongue out as if he was going to doglick pussy.... Now honestly, I've never seen him do that before.
What is up with all that? Best not even ask. I ignored it politely, smiled and paid little attention.

NEW ME!

Yup I've done a little remodelling. I've added a couple pages that you can see above. One is about the blog in general, the other is for people who may stumble upon the blog and think they know me.

Let me know if you have any problems regarding commenting, loading the page (if it's too slow), if your eyes get tired due to wrong colour scheme for text or anything else.

Thanks

To my readers.

I think various people get confused with my blog.
I feel the need to clarify that I write these posts as if it were a diary, most of it is instinct. Scratch that, it is a diary, full stop.

I write things as I feel them, how I feel them and as a fairly emotional woman they come out sounding intense. Don't get me wrong, they are intense in that moment but part of the reason I write them down is to see them clearly and let them go.

I may go through periods of pseudo depression, where I'm feeling weathered and down, but it doesn't mean I'm spiraling out of control.

Sometimes I write that I wish I could do this or that, or that I'm scared of taking steps or whatever, but it's just a process I need to go through to get a clearer mind.

I got confronted by Rob last night about my relationship with bf and something I'd written about wanting to understand Rob more. I guess I'd written about them in more or less the same post, but the two weren't connected.

I now wonder whether others make the same mistake of thinking that my relationship with the bf depends on the relationship with Rob. They aren't connected. My relationship with the bf would be the same with or without Rob in my life.

I need out regardless of how I feel for Rob. My relationship with Rob is a diversion to keep my mind off things at home, it's not the other way round. The situation with the bf wasn't created by the situation with Rob.

I guess Rob was worried that he was part of the problem, when in fact he's more a catalyst for my solution. He keeps my mind off things, a distraction, but at the same time he pushes me to find what is best for me, he challenges my decisions and calls me out when I try to convince myself of something that is bullshit.

As much as I am in love with Rob, I know full well there is no future in the relationship, just like I love the bf but know there is no future there unless i have my own space.

At times I find myself dreaming. I trick myself into thinking that I could move to the UK and somehow have a relationship with him, but I am fully aware that it's impossible. It's just my mind exploring the 'what ifs'. Just like my mind has explored the what ifs of having a long term relationship with Co-worker or owning/running the business I work for, all of which will never happen.

People tend to read into things more than necessary. We all hear what we want to hear and often we hear what confirms our fears or desires.
And frequently we invent fairy tales where there aren't any. Humans are strange creatures, we have difficulty seeing things for what they are.

Sex, plain and simple.

I got myself off to another x-art vid today. I liked the simplicity of this sex-line of the story. There were no fancy over-thought situations. No elaborate positions. Just sex, plain and simple. I'm not sure what to say about the movie-like beginning and ending, but to be honest it's not bad. I even felt a pang of sadness mixed with an "aww" moment for the ending. Though perhaps it plays quite a bit into the whole fact these videos are so polished. They're like little movie productions.

I like that she's not completely shaved. It gives her a more 'real' persona, more grown-up than she looks, in fact. Her breathing reminds me of myself. I often hyperventilate during sex... only kissing or something in my mouth will stop me.

I want to go home.

I haven't had sex in a couple months, maybe 3... and since I came down with the cold I've moved into the guest room. I've never moved in here. It's the first time, with the exception of when we broke up briefly. It's strange, and good at the same time. I think I'll move back into the bedroom tomorrow. But I don't really want to. It just feels right to sleep in separate rooms. I'm not sure he'd agree though.

I moved because I couldn't sleep between being stuffed up, not being able to breathe, having to blow my nose every 3 minutes and him snoring. I was so angry and frustrated that first night I just picked my pillow and blanket up and left. I had stacks of stuff on the guest bed so I had to shovel everything off but I slept soundly and very well.
I've been moving the stuff off and onto the bed every day because of my lessons, I have them in the guest room.

I got word on another apartment, which reminds me I have to answer the agency about seeing it. I'm hoping to see it next week. The hunt is still on, whether I'll find something is unknown, but I may buckle and get something sooner rather than wait for something that I really want. I'm just tired of waiting. I need space.

I often wonder if getting a place is actually going to change anything. Maybe I'll feel trapped just the same. And if I do? then what? do I keep running and get out of the country? And if I still feel funny? Which I'm sure I will since I haven't been home in 15 years, then what?
I kinda feel out of place. Lost. Like I felt when I was 10 and my parents took me away from where I'd grown up. All I wanted was to go home. I constantly have that feeling, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it though.

Mondays suck more than usual...

And not in a good way either.

I've come down with a nasty cold and yet I still had to work. *insert whining noises here* I went in to work this morning, and usually I see co-worker on Monday afternoons but alas I wasn't well enough to work this afternoon and so I shuffled home and tried to rest before working again this evening teaching English.

In my last post I said that I earned 5000 euros a month... My bad, I actually earn 5000 a year (I've corrected it now), I wish it were a year!! Lol I'd be pretty happy earning 5000 a month.
Having said that, since I am a freelance worker I don't get sick days or holiday pay either... Which is why I still go in to work in my piteous state. *insert more whining noises here*

Rob sent me a wonderful email and pic on Thursday finally fulfilling his first pic challenge. It was such a bad day Thursday and such a great thing to receive I had to take a minute to appreciate it. I sent him a nice pic and his next challenge. I'm sure it will take him a little while to sit and send me the next one, but I honestly don't mind. It's nice getting a surprise when you're least expecting it.

Did I mention that I need a holiday? someplace warm and dry would be nice. any suggestions? can't be expensive.... something dirt cheap, no rain, bonus if there's a beach and good diving/snorkeling.

Fucking Taxes

Winter is here and I already want to leave. I need a vacation. I've been stressed to the max over the last couple of weeks and I'm just not looking forward to my future here.

I opened my business number at the revenue office on Monday. That should make me happy but The day I went I had an appointment with an accountant to see whether I'd need to pay into this new tax the stupid country I live in has decided to lay on its residents.

The new law is this: Anyone living in the country who owns property outside the country must pay tax on that property as if it were in the country. The tax is 0.76% based on the value of the property.

When my mother died she left me and my sister a house. It's in a beautiful part of the country I grew up in and is worth a fair amount on the market because of the land it sits on. The cottage itself is worth somewhere around 17,000 dollars.... nothing. The land on the other hand is worth over 550,000.

Let's get this straight. I pay over 3,000 dollars in property tax back home. The country where I live now is asking me to pay 0,76% on the value and deduct the 3,000 dollars a month, leaving me with around 800 Euros to pay a year here, divide that in half (because I own half the house) and I have to pay between 400/500 dollars a year in taxes to this stupid government, a government I can't even vote in... (granted the guy at the office had his calculations right and I remember them correctly). It's not admittedly a ton of money, I can deal with it, it's the principle that pisses me off.

Let's get something else straight. I can legally make a maximum of 5000 Euros a year because of the type contracts people dish out for English teaching here.

Please tell me how I'm supposed to survive on that amount after rent, food and bills. It's lucky, so to speak, that I have my private students.

It all makes me want to go home. Today, for the first time ever I seriously contemplated moving back home. I contemplated looking at rent prices and jobs. I haven't yet, but the temptation is huge.