Friday, November 9, 2012

I want to go home.

I haven't had sex in a couple months, maybe 3... and since I came down with the cold I've moved into the guest room. I've never moved in here. It's the first time, with the exception of when we broke up briefly. It's strange, and good at the same time. I think I'll move back into the bedroom tomorrow. But I don't really want to. It just feels right to sleep in separate rooms. I'm not sure he'd agree though.

I moved because I couldn't sleep between being stuffed up, not being able to breathe, having to blow my nose every 3 minutes and him snoring. I was so angry and frustrated that first night I just picked my pillow and blanket up and left. I had stacks of stuff on the guest bed so I had to shovel everything off but I slept soundly and very well.
I've been moving the stuff off and onto the bed every day because of my lessons, I have them in the guest room.

I got word on another apartment, which reminds me I have to answer the agency about seeing it. I'm hoping to see it next week. The hunt is still on, whether I'll find something is unknown, but I may buckle and get something sooner rather than wait for something that I really want. I'm just tired of waiting. I need space.

I often wonder if getting a place is actually going to change anything. Maybe I'll feel trapped just the same. And if I do? then what? do I keep running and get out of the country? And if I still feel funny? Which I'm sure I will since I haven't been home in 15 years, then what?
I kinda feel out of place. Lost. Like I felt when I was 10 and my parents took me away from where I'd grown up. All I wanted was to go home. I constantly have that feeling, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it though.


Cande said...

sometimes I have this emotional whirlwind going on inside me and I wonder what Rob is going through. Maybe it's a need to emotionally connect on some level. I get massive urges, wanting to know what goes on behind the scenes with him. I want to ask him to tell me his feelings around me, I want in on his heart.

He has the blog to read me, but I have what seems like a wall. I have this yearning to share, and not just the one way sharing where I talk and he listens. Sometimes I just yearn the mutual participation.

There are pros and cons to that though.

Advizor54 said...

I am of two minds on this...

1 - Making decisions while sick is an awful idea. Our heads are workings, you can't see straight literally or metaphysically, everything seems off, everything is difficult, other people annoy us when they are just trying to help, and it feels like the sneezing, coughing, stuffy head i can't rest feelings will never go away.

2 - It may be the perfect time. The little stuff drops away and you ask yourself where you feel loved. Am I comforted by being home, is he/she helping me feel better? Do I want them to hold me as I suffer or just leave me alone? How do I answer this question; "When I feel better I am going to....?" Get out? Pack Up? Leave? or is it answered with thoughts of staying put and finding comfort at home?

Moving, I mean really moving back home, would force you to start over, so I don't recommend moving back to your hometown. Too much baggage, too many questions about kids, husbands, the future, the past. Move close to home so you can drive there on the weekends, but not so close that they can define who you are by who you used to be.

You didn't mention how the BF was handling you being sick, but I think it's important. We all get sick, and we need to know they will be there to help.

Get well soon beautiful!!!