I think various people get confused with my blog.
I feel the need to clarify that I write these posts as if it were a diary, most of it is instinct. Scratch that, it is a diary, full stop.
I write things as I feel them, how I feel them and as a fairly emotional woman they come out sounding intense. Don't get me wrong, they are intense in that moment but part of the reason I write them down is to see them clearly and let them go.
I may go through periods of pseudo depression, where I'm feeling weathered and down, but it doesn't mean I'm spiraling out of control.
Sometimes I write that I wish I could do this or that, or that I'm scared of taking steps or whatever, but it's just a process I need to go through to get a clearer mind.
I got confronted by Rob last night about my relationship with bf and something I'd written about wanting to understand Rob more. I guess I'd written about them in more or less the same post, but the two weren't connected.
I now wonder whether others make the same mistake of thinking that my relationship with the bf depends on the relationship with Rob. They aren't connected. My relationship with the bf would be the same with or without Rob in my life.
I need out regardless of how I feel for Rob. My relationship with Rob is a diversion to keep my mind off things at home, it's not the other way round. The situation with the bf wasn't created by the situation with Rob.
I guess Rob was worried that he was part of the problem, when in fact he's more a catalyst for my solution. He keeps my mind off things, a distraction, but at the same time he pushes me to find what is best for me, he challenges my decisions and calls me out when I try to convince myself of something that is bullshit.
As much as I am in love with Rob, I know full well there is no future in the relationship, just like I love the bf but know there is no future there unless i have my own space.
At times I find myself dreaming. I trick myself into thinking that I could move to the UK and somehow have a relationship with him, but I am fully aware that it's impossible. It's just my mind exploring the 'what ifs'. Just like my mind has explored the what ifs of having a long term relationship with Co-worker or owning/running the business I work for, all of which will never happen.
People tend to read into things more than necessary. We all hear what we want to hear and often we hear what confirms our fears or desires.
And frequently we invent fairy tales where there aren't any. Humans are strange creatures, we have difficulty seeing things for what they are.