The Abbey

They'd been wandering the city all day and had stopped for some rest and fresh air in a park near a museum. It was an old abbey too. The gothic walls were still standing with elegant arching yet pointy window frames in an old grey stone.

They sat in the grass next to the ruins of sarcophagi in the sun. She left him just for a moment, she had to run to the washroom at the museum and when she returned he was laying on his back in the sun. Sunglasses protecting his eyes, he was very tall and handsome. his shoes kicked off to one side, he looked as if he were asleep.

It was only their second visit together but the sex was as incredible as they'd both imagined. They'd had something of a marathon the night before and had decided to take a break for the morning. The walk in the city seemed like a good distraction, but sex was obviously still on their minds. They kept seeing good looking girls and guys around, commenting on them, making the other feel a hint of healthy jealousy.

She sat down next to him and observed him as he turned his head towards her obviously having heard her approach. "What were you thinking about" she said to him as he opened his eyes.

His eyes lit up as he looked at her grinning and said "I've got a massive hard-on" in his un-mistakably english accent. "I was thinking about fucking you"

She laughed "want to walk some more?"

"That's going to be awkward in my state" he smiled as he stood up revealing the massive bulge in his trousers. He pulled at his purple t-shirt trying to cover at least half of it, his hand in his pocked managed to mask the other half just a bit.

There weren't a lot of people around. They were scattered around the little park here and there, in small groups of two or three, mostly sitting on the grass talking or snacking.

"Follow me" she said quite matter of factly pulling him by the hand towards the back end of the park. There was a line of large trees back there, most of the people were walking around the abbey ruins but the back of the park seemed empty.

She pulled him in behind a tree, leaned him against it and got down on her knees in the soft grass. She unbuttoned and unzipped his trousers and reached in to pull his massive cock out. She looked up at him, and back down. A bead of pre-cum formed on the tip as an invitation to lick. She took it up on her finger and lifted it to her mouth, "that's my favourite part" she said quietly with a shy grin savouring the mildly salty flavour.

He was silent as he watched her. She took her eyes off him to concentrate on his cock. She worked the tip first running her tongue around the head and then plunged down to the base. She wanted to get him in as far as possible, that's the way he liked it. He loved making her gag on it. He loved seeing her in difficulty with it, her eyes would water and she would smile because she loved it. He grabbed her head in both hands and brought her in as close as her throat could handle. He let her go when she couldn't hold her breath any longer but her automatic instinct was to delve back down just as deep on her own.

With one hand he gathered her hair in a messy pony tail and pulled her off, depraving her of her goal. She whined a little as he pulled her back, wanting to get back to work. His cock pulsed and jumped in front of her making it all that more tempting.

"Ask for it" he said sternly
"Can I have your cock please?" she said pleadingly
"You'll have to do better than that, be more specific" he ordered quietly
"Please can I suck your cock deep in my mouth?" she managed
"Say it again"
"Please I'd really like to suck your cock deep in my mouth"

His hand pushed her head forward, her mouth open and accepting. She grabbed him by the shaft and made sure his cock centred her mouth and he just kept pushing, all the way down as far as it would go and holding it till he could feel her throat contract with her gag reflex.

He pulled her back abruptly smiling at her as she looked up with watery eyes. "Want more?"

"Yes please" she said sheepishly.

The Mr.XXX Conclusion.

So I may have figured out what happened with the "confidentiality" breach.

We talked about it again, I insisted on the name of who said something but he refused to give me any name declaring that it hypothetically wouldn't be fair to the person who may or may not have confided in him. He also said that the reality was that he'd just "heard stuff" that hinted at people knowing more than they let on, which is entirely plausible. I'm still not sure which of these versions is true but I'm guessing the latter if any at all....

What I do think happened though is this:
the day before he got weird I had a student of mine here, she's actually a good friend and we've been through a lot together and talk about most anything including our relationships. She's not the closest friend I have, but she is one of the people I talk fairly openly with because she's not super tied to my group of friends.

She asked how things were going between us, as well as with my health and I spoke fairly openly with her, she even asked how our sex life was (to be honest we haven't had sex in a fair while). Bf was "studying" in another room with the door closed, we were talking quietly but there's a good chance he overheard part of our conversation. I didn't care at the time, I knew he might hear, but I wasn't ultra careful, I didn't think it would bother him really, I was just being open and honest with her. Then I forgot about the whole episode.

I think what he then did was, he used that conversation as a staple for people who are close to me. I think he just guessed on Mr.XXX. He knows we meet rather often for lunch so it was a fairly easy guess to make. I may still ask Mr.XXX if he knows anything (when I see him... who knows when) but I'm certainly not angry and I doubt he'll admit to anything at all even if there had been a breach.

What I do know though is that human nature gives in to gossip, behind people's backs often. It's just the way the world works. Not everyone engages in this but most do and I myself have contributed to the nasty business. I generally know when not to open my mouth because of really sensitive material but on more minor subjects I have discussed it with others despite knowing it was somewhat of a "secret". Problem is that often people figure secrets out before they are said so there is a lot of conjecture going on before it's actually let out of the bag. I even remember people getting really radical horrible ideas about what others have been up to and having to let a minor "secret" out to appease the much more horrible conjecture gossip forming before my eyes.

Addressing the Elephant (or To Anon)

This is a post is partially inspired by my dear Anon reader who commented on my last post.

I have an "elephant in the room" with bf. I also know that he has picked up on it subconsciously. I've been trying, for years, to figure out what to do about it. The apartment solution was the only way for me to figure out my "true" feelings for bf and I'm sticking to that version. Separating our lives into two separate places may bring us closer together or it may prove to us that it just wasn't meant to be. I don't feel comfortable leaving the relationship until I'm sure of my feelings for Bf.

Others have mentioned it to me before, that maybe my "separate apartment solution" is just a ruse to get out of the relationship. It's not an intentional one. There's part of me that wants to see how things go and part of me that just wants to end it. I've been in this same mental position for years, even before I met Rob. That's partially why I met Rob I think.

As for the fact that it leaves our relationship in a grey area, it's entirely true. It's been in a grey area for a long time though. Pretty much the whole time. It's nothing really new.

Perhaps the only way to clarity is a clean break though and I'll continue to consider that possibility.

I read a meme on Fb the other day that got me thinking. The quote was attributed to Johnny Depp and I don't know if he said it or not, I haven't done my research, but the quote was interesting:

Fact is. Rob asked me just this when we met up. My answer was very clear. I said that it was possible to love two people at once and I'm still fairly sure it's possible (though this meme made me think twice), but it's two different types of love. You can be "in love" with someone and just "love" another. I think the falling in love with someone is temporary, it could be a long temporary state but it's still temporary. What our friend Johnny is referring to is the falling in love state of things, you can't fall in love with two people at once.

I would like to hear other opinions though. So post away on your blogs or comment here. It's always been a curiosity of mine.

PS I love hearing from Anon readers. So, thanks for the sincere comment. It means the world to me.

fucking fuck of a fuck

I'm so angry I'm calm. I barely know what to do with myself. I don't know whether I should be angry at myself or the guy who fucked me over momentarily.

Here's the story:

So I get back from my "holiday" and bf was fine while I was on holiday, we talked every day and he was chirpy, everything was normal. I get back and he's all weird. He's been weird for weeks now but about three days ago it started to get worse. He was snapping at me and angry for no apparent reason. He slept all day Saturday, ignored me, and then would be normal for 10 minutes and then back to his frustrated self again.

I talked to Rob about it yesterday and we were both wondering whether he'd figured stuff out. I mentioned it to my best friend back home and she wondered the same thing.

Today he freaked on me again for the simple question "what do you want to do today". So I got angry, told him he was acting up and headed off to another room.

Finally he got up the courage to sit down next to me and say, "admit it, admit you've been dishonest. You've been telling half truths, I know you have."  I almost shit myself, I had to appear totally calm, but my body was sweating to keep my heart from exploding. I simply asked what he was talking about. He just repeated what he said about being dishonest. When he finally saw that I had no idea what he was talking about he came out saying "Who have you been confiding in, telling them about our relationship?" My automatic response was my best friend, I was talking to her last night when he came home and he had made a snide comment about leaving the room so I could say what I wanted.

I was defensive. I said that I needed sounding boards, human sounding boards to talk to about my relationship with him since things are a bit rocky. I kept asking why he was asking and what it had to do with him. Then he said "oh so you haven't talked to someone like Mr.XXX for example".

So Mr.XXX in this case is the ONE guy who is a friend of ours that I see more than him, we often have lunch together because we both have lunch in the same place.... it's convenient for work purposes. He's the ONE guy I talked to about my relationship with the bf, the ONE person that I thought I could talk to freely. We have things in common because he has a rocky relationship with his wife.

Bf refused to tell me how he found out, he refused to tell me who spilled the beans to him. And I'm pissed off like never before. Should I be blaming Mr.XXX? should I have kept things to myself instead? probably.... but FUCK man....  It's totally FUCKED UP. What is up with people?

Fact is he's a friend, and he's almost always been a good friend, he has fucked up once before... with both co-worker and myself. So I don't know whether I should confront him about it or not. ARrRRrGGgggggg fucking fuck of a fuck!

Trip part.4 - Sex

There was a lot of it. It was incredible and for some reason he kept doubting that it could feel that good for me. He kept saying "It can't be that good, can it?"

One thing that stands out in my memory is a brief conversation about boring sex. Watching tv while having sex to be specific. I remember insisting that I'd never had sex while watching tv. I've never been bored by sex or a partner and I was somewhat sad that someone could experience boring sex. I really didn't think it was possible. I remember him saying that I'm too sensitive to get bored by sex. Considering that comment more seriously, maybe he's right.

Our sex was constantly different. No one episode was similar to the next. We were constantly trying new positions and places. Though the bed was the protagonist. We never had sex on any of the other furniture this time.

There was a mirror right next to the bed which was spectacular, we used it a fair amount. I love mirrors for sex. It gives you an external view of what's going on.

Since the sex was so different the mood was different each time too. There was the sweet and sensual sex, rough sex with hair pulling, gagging and hand squeezing throat sex. There was the sex that was fun and made us laugh and gasp. Sex that just made me want more (most of it really), I just wanted to cum a million times during one episode.

The last time we had sex was at 2 or 3 in the morning. I woke him up by going to the bathroom and we took advantage of being awake. It was pitch black in the room. He teased me pulling out and sliding in slow, pulling out again and waiting to plunge back in making me gasp. Slipping out slowly and both of us holding our breath in anticipation for his whole cock to slide back inside me. I could feel every inch, every detail. I was dripping wet covering his cock with my juices.

Trip Part 3.- Actions

There was a lot of action. We were often moving, whether it was walking, talking, eating or having numerous bouts of sex. There was a little sleeping and even a little resting like watching tv, but it was all interactive and very dynamic. I want to talk about it all yet I want to keep it to myself. I want it to be mine and only mine. I feel like I want to hold on to a lot of the sexual details because I'm not ready to hand them out. And even the more tame stuff is so precious to me that I feel like I need to hold on to it so I'll probably end up posting bits and pieces here and there.

In terms of just us hanging out it really was a wonderful trip. I enjoyed every minute of it. We walked around the city a lot, we didn't go to museums or spend a lot of time indoors since the weather was so nice. We spent our time in parks, along the city walls and on the river having great food.
One episode that perhaps describes the mood best was in a gorgeous cafe on the bank of the river. The building was part of the medieval bridge with a winding stone staircase to get to the small terrace they had outside.

The food was amazing and we just talked about random things. It's so hard to describe the mood, but it was seriously relaxed and very easy with a lot of laughter, some serious topics and basically enjoying the great food, weather and views. 

The first hours we spent together after he met me at the train station were important to me. He was so worked up he needed to calm down so we just sat on a bench outside the train station for a bit. He was shaking and his heart was pounding, it was just the sweetest thing to witness. It just proved to me that our meeting wasn't just an ordinary event, it was scary for us both to an extent and that I wasn't alone in my fears and anxieties. After that initial rest we dropped our bags at the hotel and went to a park for a walk, had ice-cream and laid on the grass and just rested. I laid on top of him which is so unusual to me, I don't think I've done that with anyone before. We just observed each other, talked, laughed, kissed, caressed and there was even a little sexual temptation. It was just a really great moment.

Another thing that stands out in my mind was watching TV at 3 am after amazing sex just trying to answer the game-show quiz questions. He's really quite good at that sort of thing, I was surprised. It was fun and quirky and we worked together in a way. It was a collaboration rather than competitive (though we have that on occasion too).

On the last evening over dinner we looked up the collective nouns for animals and tried to remember a bunch, noticing that many had connections to the animal's behavior or personality in a way. It was just sort of bringing our online word games into a real life context and making it that much more enjoyable. It's one of the many things that makes me smile when I think back on it. 

Trip part.2 - Feelings

The first was anxiety. I was anxious about seeing him again. It started a couple days before meeting and vanished almost as soon as I saw him in the train station. Though it did take some time to ease up completely. I was anxious because I felt like I needed to be perfect for the occasion and that no matter what, I'd never be good enough. I was anxious because I'd been really worn out from Paris and wasn't sure how my health would hold up during our encounter. He was anxious too initially which somehow settled my nerves, I guess my instinct to be 'the strong one' kicked in.

The second emotion was a sense of calm and happiness, total ease and pleasure to be with him. As I said the anxiety melted as soon as I saw him and he hugged me (or I hugged him). I guess happiness and calm and just ease comprised the largest portion of my feelings around the encounter. There was a lot of laughing, a lot of dialogue and there were silences. We were together for somewhere around 2 days so it wasn't possible to be talking the whole time. The silences weren't generally the type where you're uncomfortable or feel the need to talk, it was usually just a pause between topics.

There was sadness. It was quite intense on the last morning. I cried while he held me and stroked my back and tried to convince me to be happy. I tried to explain that I was happy while at the same time feeling sad but I have a hard time talking when I'm crying so I just left it at that. He managed to get me to laugh by making fun of me. Mind you my feelings of leaving him were too strong to forget that fast. He walked me to the train station we said our goodbyes and I cried as he walked away, though I don't know if he knows. I imagine he caught my wavering but knew he had to leave or it would just be worse. I tried my best not to show it. I cried on the train and I cried in a park back in London waiting for a friend.

I don't know why the emotions of sadness were so strong this time round, last time I was sad sure, but I didn't cry for a half a day. I was happy and confident last time. This time I don't know. Some part of me thinks it's got to do with my situation at home, maybe I'm just more vulnerable. Part of me thinks that I was picking up on feelings of his, he was so pensive on the last morning, he always is I guess. In my first real encounter with him he had the same look on his face just before our goodbyes and I am always afraid to ask him what he's thinking about.

My Trip! (Intro Post)

I got back the day before yesterday. I'm exhausted but mostly because I've been working like crazy since I got in. I also came down with a bladder infection as I was leaving the UK and have been feeling generally shitty especially with 33° heat.

My trip was incredible, the whole thing. There is nothing that I wouldn't have wanted, maybe apart from the bladder infection, but I did manage to keep it at bay until I got back home. Since I'd been in Paris for 5 days before going to the UK I was pretty exhausted by the time I got to London. I just wanted to lay around doing nothing. I did do a few things like visit a couple friends, went shopping and went to an art gallery but other than that I just spent time resting. I wasn't feeling 100%, I was just feeling a little under the weather. Really tired, wanting to sleep constantly and a slight sore throat, but I was sure it was my Fibro. I was worried that if I didn't rest up I wouldn't be able to take advantage of my time with Rob.

After London I went north and did my art course. The art course was incredible, I learned tons in just a short amount of time, it was only 6 hours long but it was great. I loved every second of it. There is something to be said about creating things with a group of women. It was the first time I'd done anything similar but it was a wonderful experience. It was a bit nerve wracking considering there's this automatic comparison between your work and the work by the other people around you.

The day after I met up with Rob. We had 2 nights together and around 48 hours. We spent just about every minute of that time together minus bathroom breaks. I have no idea where to start describing things. My mind has been overloaded with way too much for the past three or four days. Out of our three encounters I believe this is the one I liked the best. The whole thing was just really intensely happy. That's the only way I can really describe it. There wasn't a second I didn't love. There's a part of me that wants to tell every detail and a part of me that wants to keep it all for myself, especially the sexual details, but I'm sure they'll trickle out as time goes by.

I haven't had time to write for myself as I usually do in my actual black diary which means that all my feelings, memories and thoughts are all jumbled together in one giant emotional and confused knot of information... Sooo I'm going to break this trip into a couple posts based on Feelings and Actions and a possible Thoughts post, I haven't decided yet how many posts, I'll just see how it comes together. It's the only logical way I can organize things at the moment and even then it's not very organized.