I have an "elephant in the room" with bf. I also know that he has picked up on it subconsciously. I've been trying, for years, to figure out what to do about it. The apartment solution was the only way for me to figure out my "true" feelings for bf and I'm sticking to that version. Separating our lives into two separate places may bring us closer together or it may prove to us that it just wasn't meant to be. I don't feel comfortable leaving the relationship until I'm sure of my feelings for Bf.
Others have mentioned it to me before, that maybe my "separate apartment solution" is just a ruse to get out of the relationship. It's not an intentional one. There's part of me that wants to see how things go and part of me that just wants to end it. I've been in this same mental position for years, even before I met Rob. That's partially why I met Rob I think.
As for the fact that it leaves our relationship in a grey area, it's entirely true. It's been in a grey area for a long time though. Pretty much the whole time. It's nothing really new.
Perhaps the only way to clarity is a clean break though and I'll continue to consider that possibility.
I read a meme on Fb the other day that got me thinking. The quote was attributed to Johnny Depp and I don't know if he said it or not, I haven't done my research, but the quote was interesting:
Fact is. Rob asked me just this when we met up. My answer was very clear. I said that it was possible to love two people at once and I'm still fairly sure it's possible (though this meme made me think twice), but it's two different types of love. You can be "in love" with someone and just "love" another. I think the falling in love with someone is temporary, it could be a long temporary state but it's still temporary. What our friend Johnny is referring to is the falling in love state of things, you can't fall in love with two people at once.
I would like to hear other opinions though. So post away on your blogs or comment here. It's always been a curiosity of mine.
PS I love hearing from Anon readers. So, thanks for the sincere comment. It means the world to me.
11 comments:
I think you need to break up with the Bf and with Rob and with everyone and just take a few months to yourself and see what happens.
That thought has also gone through my head. Easier said than done though...
I think the best solution is the "West Coast Gambit". You break up with BF and Rob, move to California, set up your art studio closer to a certain zip code and then we see if the 'loving two people' scenario can work. Yep, that's the ticket.
A lot of couples have taken up residency with an elephant or two. There are long-standing issues that are not resolved for years. This makes everyone miserable.
I think the two apartment solution is a good 1st step. You have to have enough independence to see how you feel. If being apart feels good, that tells you something, if you miss him and want to make changes (both of you) then that tells you something different. Since you aren't married, you need to take these steps now to see what happens.
I'm not sure I want to move to Cali though I hear the weather is nice there.
I agree Advizor, I do need to see how things go for now I'm sure things will fall into place on their own. They always do.
I have a tent you could borrow and a very nice backyard, FYI
Interesting thoughts. I'm certain you can love multiple people at the same time. But, as you say, there are different kinds of love.
I don't buy the quote at all. I like Johnny Depp as an actor, but I'm not going to accept him as a life coach. :-)
I am in exactly the same situation. I 'love' my boyfriend but I feel like I have fallen or am falling for somebody else. I know this other person isn't right for me as well which makes me think that I should just leave my BF anyway! BUT, we have so much history together, exactly the same friends etc. We have talked about getting married, we work well on so many levels but for some reason I am just not 'in love' with him.
Anon 2: yeah That's pretty much the feeling. I hope you figure out what it is that you're trying to figure out. I think habit is part of the problem. As you say "the same friends" and such, those are bases, foundations that you send into a fair mess if you break up. The problem is concentrating on the real issue, and that's how we feel in the situation we're in.
This may not be my place to say it, but as one who's been in a "friendly" but not passionate marriage, I would caution against getting married unless you are "in love" with your partner.
I know that romantic love is a luxury instead of a requirement, but if you aren't in love with each other, if you don't get a little thrill when they walk in to the room, if you don't, at least on occasion, want to tear each other's clothes of and have each other right then and there, then what's the point?
If I wanted a roommate I'd have someone split the rent with me. that's not what I want.
Problem with being in love is that it generally doesn't last. I think it slowly wears off.
In any case yes I agree, I'd avoid marrying someone I'm not in love with. In fact marriages generally happen within the first few years of meeting. You don't often see people getting married after 10 years of commonlaw living.
I'd hire JD as a life coach.... Though I might not use him as a life coach....
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