Monday, July 15, 2013

Trip part.2 - Feelings

The first was anxiety. I was anxious about seeing him again. It started a couple days before meeting and vanished almost as soon as I saw him in the train station. Though it did take some time to ease up completely. I was anxious because I felt like I needed to be perfect for the occasion and that no matter what, I'd never be good enough. I was anxious because I'd been really worn out from Paris and wasn't sure how my health would hold up during our encounter. He was anxious too initially which somehow settled my nerves, I guess my instinct to be 'the strong one' kicked in.

The second emotion was a sense of calm and happiness, total ease and pleasure to be with him. As I said the anxiety melted as soon as I saw him and he hugged me (or I hugged him). I guess happiness and calm and just ease comprised the largest portion of my feelings around the encounter. There was a lot of laughing, a lot of dialogue and there were silences. We were together for somewhere around 2 days so it wasn't possible to be talking the whole time. The silences weren't generally the type where you're uncomfortable or feel the need to talk, it was usually just a pause between topics.

There was sadness. It was quite intense on the last morning. I cried while he held me and stroked my back and tried to convince me to be happy. I tried to explain that I was happy while at the same time feeling sad but I have a hard time talking when I'm crying so I just left it at that. He managed to get me to laugh by making fun of me. Mind you my feelings of leaving him were too strong to forget that fast. He walked me to the train station we said our goodbyes and I cried as he walked away, though I don't know if he knows. I imagine he caught my wavering but knew he had to leave or it would just be worse. I tried my best not to show it. I cried on the train and I cried in a park back in London waiting for a friend.

I don't know why the emotions of sadness were so strong this time round, last time I was sad sure, but I didn't cry for a half a day. I was happy and confident last time. This time I don't know. Some part of me thinks it's got to do with my situation at home, maybe I'm just more vulnerable. Part of me thinks that I was picking up on feelings of his, he was so pensive on the last morning, he always is I guess. In my first real encounter with him he had the same look on his face just before our goodbyes and I am always afraid to ask him what he's thinking about.

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