Triggers

Sometimes I'll be sitting crafting or taking a shower when my mind wanders. Sometimes it's a song, or even a voice, a comment, or a food that will trigger it. My mind will wander to a moment with Rob, a really precise moment. The memories are so vivid at times and other times they're hazy, like I can't quite remember what happened.

Most recently I was thinking of Storm Thorgerson, The artist behind all of the Pink Floyd album covers. His artwork comes up quite frequently on my Facebook feed. While Rob and I I were in Birmingham or Nottingham (can't remember which) we visited a museum/Art gallery. The gallery was full of his stuff, famous pieces of old and new Pink Floyd album cover work. At the time he was still alive, I believe he died the year after, if not the same year.

That is one of those moments I will never forget. It was probably one of the most memorable moments we've had together, yet at the same time we weren't  together, we browsed the gallery separately, as is often our custom when we go to galleries or museums. It's especially memorable for me though because it's the first time I took his picture. I was taking a photograph of two large adjoined, reflective spheres. He was standing in the background with his back to the spheres, I only noticed him when I got the photograph home on my computer. I can't say I obsessed about the photograph but every time I look at it, even now, I see him. 

Another memory is triggered by food, sour food to be precise. We were in Birmingham when we found an old candy shop, the vintage type that has jars, and jars of hard candy behind the counter. We both like sour candy so we walked in and we asked for the sourest candy they had. The girl behind the counter smirked. She said that she would let us try one for free if we would only put it in our mouth and promised not to take it out. We weren't even allowed to lick it first, We had to simply pop it in. I think we both got one, it was eye wateringly sour, but we both manned-up and kept it in. We bought a bagful with a few different flavors. 

The memories are in there, and on occasion they surface. I'm always surprised at how many new ones come to mind. They make me smile, feeling nostalgic, but overall happy feelings of wanting more. Definitely looking forward to more. 

Passing

I've been trying to figure out why my friend's passing has been so difficult. I couldn't understand why it was so hard considering I knew he was sick for a long time. We didn't see each other on a daily basis or even monthly basis. 

There was a time, however, when we would see each other on a weekly basis. And during that time he used to call me when he had tickets to classical music concerts, because he knew I loved music. He was an older gay man who I'm sure I've written about before. I remember writing about how people would look at us at concerts. Upon telling the bf how uncomfortable it made me he almost got angry and argued that I shouldn't go with him anymore. The last time my friend called me to ask me to go to a concert with him I declined, this is something I now regret. Fuck other people's shitty judgement. I shouldn't have cared.

As to why his death hit me so hard, I finally figured it was because there were so many similarities between his death and my mother's. He passed away from cancer, like my mother. He also passed away at the same age as my mother. I don't know how I knew this, my math skills are absolutely horrible, but I innately knew that he was the same age. When I finally broke down and used my calculator to figure it out, I found out I was right. Not only that but my mother died a day or two before her birthday in April (a week before my birthday), my friend died just a week before his birthday. Joy, that happens to be just after my birthday. 

These are all things I can't help thinking about. My mind automatically finds patterns. Maybe my brain is working too hard, maybe a normal person's brain wouldn't have seen them. Is it better or worse this way? Dealing with loved one's deaths is something that has to be dealt with forever. It doesn't go away. No matter how long ago it was, it will come back to haunt you. The only thing that can be done is to let the emotions wash over, deal with them as they come, and let go again. 

Last time I saw my friend was at the hospital just before Christmas. We were leaving for our trip to Central America. He seemed in good spirits and joked around, possibly to make us feel more comfortable with his illness. I will remember him like that though, always smiling, suave and cultured. Connoisseur of music and food. A closet gay, not so closet when with the right friends. 

Shitty Day / Shitty Week

It has been a rough week. It was my birthday last week and I've had some lovely birthdays in the past but this was not one of them. I woke up sad. It was the first birthday I've spent waking up alone in probably 18 years. I was sad the bf wasn't there to greet me with kisses and a surprise. At the very least he'd go out before I woke up so I could have fresh croissants for breakfast. This year we slept at our separate apartments.
I worked a 10 hour day and came home to find he'd he bought me a cake and then he surprised me with a sewing machine. I was exhausted though, we were supposed to go out to dinner but I opted out.

The next evening we went to the bf's nieces new restaurant and they brought out a cake with candles for me. I was blown away. I'd never expected it and I was moved, almost to tears by their thoughtfulness. However all the love couldn't shake the melancholy I had. Living so far from all my family and closest friends had me so sad.

The feeling hasn't quite gone away and it has been compounded by a good friend passing today. I have been crying off and on all day. He was an expat from South America and we had a lot in common. I will miss him immensely.

Not only this but the bf's niece from another brother, the one who has drug problems, is apparently back on the drugs. She'd been clean for a while and she had gotten quite attached to me and was taking opportunities to spend time with me on occasion. She called me last night telling me she wanted to see me and that she'd let me know when she could stop by. Today we get a call from another family member warning us that she'd moved in with a dealer, stopped in at home to physically beat money out of her parents, and was convincing other family members to give her money as well.
I have so much anger and frustration towards her parents, they've fucked up both their kids and I don't know how they manged to do it. I wish I could talk some sense into them.

I am rather overwhelmed with all the emotions going on I've shut myself down by keeping myself as busy as possible today. Watching random videos and movies. Writing this seems to be bringing the emotions back to the surface but it does help purge. I will be hiding under a blanket with a movie as soon as I finish.

What is Love?

What is love to you, personally, right in this moment?

I think for everyone it's different and it's never constant. I believe it fluctuates regularly to the point that it can change subtly many times over a very brief period. However the main concepts for any given person will probably stay relatively static over longer periods of time, but even those can change, especially with important events or game changers.

Over the years I've written about love more than once because it's a topic that confuses me and I struggle to understand it. I am just grasping now that it's ok for me to feel like it's not a constant. It is not one thing. It is many. And depending on your mood, state of mind, situation etc, it evolves.

Some of the aspects that surface for me are things like friendship, complicity, desire, communication, and mutual respect. But one of the most important factors I've recently pinpointed is altruism. That instinct to let go of your own needs and desires to benefit the other. The funny thing is I think the feeling of altruism is strongest at the beginning of a relationship. I say this based on personal experience (so I don't know if this is true for everyone). I used to feel more altruistic towards the bf but recently I've felt the need to think more about myself. And I think that is ok in a sense. I think that people should look after themselves before they look after others. Compromise is often the solution to excessive altruism, but the intense feeling that someone would be better off without you because you complicate their lives is one of the strongest point for love I think. This is obviously an extreme example. There are smaller acts of altruism but I just need to convey the principle and it so happens to be one of the most powerful instances of altruism I have ever felt.
 

I think where people mess up the most though, including myself, is confusing the concept of love with the chemical reaction in your brain. And they are definitely connected, the chemical reaction spurs reactions and those connect to decisions. Domino effect. The intense feeling of desire and lust and caring, I think, are often just spikes in chemicals whereas love is simply what you do with those spikes, the decisions you make. Not only that but the concept of love is also what is left over when the spikes lessen or disappear completely. The longer we are in a relationship the less those spikes appear so it all depends on how we proceed in the relationship when the spikes are gone. 

This was analytical. Possibly cold. It's how my brain processes information best I find. I get very confused when chemicals take over. I need to stop and process things. When chemicals are strong my brain doesn't seem to work. It breaks down, it loses all reason. It's hard to stop and think. I only manage after they wear off. I imagine it's the same for everyone.

Words

Words will never convey exactly what you mean, whether written or spoken. Communication is so utterly flawed. People will always read into things based on their own experiences and beliefs. They will never fully understand you. 

When I write I feel this desire to be as clear and precise as possible, choosing exact words to convey a very specific meaning or feeling but everyone perceives words differently. Everyone has a different perception, a different emotional experience with any given word. 

They will only understand what their emotional experiences let them. 

Concepts work much the same way, we read into a basic concept bearing with it so much personal emotional background. There's no way any individual will ever fully understand what's going on. 

Is it a waste to try? No, probably not. But it's immensely frustrating as a writer to have that epiphany. 

WTF day

Day 1, I went in to work after the Easter break, Co-W was fucking horny or something because he kept flirting, and hard. He slapped my ass. He grabbed my face by the chin and stared at me, he grabbed my arms, waist and ribs at various times. He came up to me from behind as I was bent over a table, he grabbed both my hips, and edged his way next to me to talk to me when I stood up. He smelled me, more than once, coming up to me to smell my neck. He blatantly asked me if he could lick all the way up my back and neck. The whole thing was intense and hard to ignore.

Day 2, he had obviously had a horrible discussion with our boss on day 1 after I left because he exploded at some random moment on day 2. We were outside and he just started blurting out all sorts of stuff about how tired he is of working there, that our boss is a bitch and horrible and all sorts of insults. He yelled at me saying that I was indulging her in her horrible habits by not speaking out against the bullshit she does. He blew right up. He even pounded the table next to us with his fist so loud and hard that I jumped.
I take him with a grain of salt a lot of the time when he goes off. He blows off steam but I don't often take it seriously. Today I was caught off guard. It was such a violent outburst, some of which was aimed at me, that I eventually walked away because I couldn't talk to him in a normal way. Once inside we didn't talk for a bit, apart from work related stuff and I was working on the computer so I had something to concentrate on. Later he came up to me and gave me a hug and apologized and said that I wasn't the problem.
When people apologize to me I tend to go soft and want to cry, it's a release of tension from the anger, fear, frustration I had buried and hidden inside. Tears welled in my eyes but I kept working. I concentrated on what I was doing and the sensation went away.

It really sucks being yelled at when you haven't done anything to deserve it.

If I think back on it though it hurts. I'm in a slightly over emotional state/heightened emotional state right now so that certainly doesn't help either.

Made for Me.

Have you ever gotten off to a video of yourself getting off? 

Rob broke his wrist about a month ago. (Wow time flies. I had barely realised it's been that long.) A broken wrist means that he has a lot of time to spare. He's likely been a little down and out, hard to get much of anything done with your right hand in a cast, I'd personally go nuts. Not being able to do any craft or drawing or playing of instruments or even typing properly.

Anyhow I sent him a song that he made on my phone while we were together last. It was a rainy day and we spent the evening playing with Garage Band on my iPhone. He created a couple simple songs that took him forever. I helped him figure out the program a little.
Fast forward to the other day, I was in Garage Band playing around and I realised his songs were still there so I sent him one.

He promptly downloaded it and proceeded to make a great song, something that was way beyond what I'd have expected for his second try on the app. It was very trip hop cool. Just a great Massive Attack style song.

The next day, as I'm finishing up at work, I receive an email with another song. There's a warning that says explicit lyrics and I figure, maybe he's inserted some rap fragments into the song. I get to the car, turn my bluetooth on and decide I want to hear the song on a "real" stereo. Next thing I know I'm blushing, laughing and hiding my face in my hands. I was alone, but the song caught me so off guard that I couldn't help myself. It was a song, with a sort of slow techno beat, layered on top is my voice. It's an audio clip I sent him of me talking while I get myself off. I'm saying all sorts of random stuff that comes to mind, dirty, dirty slutty stuff I want him to do to me. He remixed it, added effects and basically had my voice layered and repeating. It was insane. Not only was I flushed with embarrassment from hearing my own voice, (something that I generally don't like hearing) but I was turned on. It was strange how my own voice could possibly turn me on.

Then there's the fact that he even thought of doing this in the first place. It just made me want him in front of me so I could fuck him right then and there.

He sent me another email, another version of the same audio clip with a different background music, just as good, this time with a funkier beat, not as slow, a little more porn movie style yet tasteful. Next thing I know he's asking me if he could use images and clips of me to make a little movie.

Bring it on. Of course.

Today after some fiddling with Dropbox he sent me the video. First time watching, my reaction was similar to my reaction to the song, embarrassment, flushing red, my hand over my mouth, laughing and not quite believing my eyes. He'd rummaged through old emails and found a bunch of old pics and clips of me getting myself off. He artfully blended them together in a seamless clip set to his background music of me whispering what I want him to do to me.

I was in the middle of having lunch the first time I watched it but as soon as I finished I moved to the couch to watch it again, and again and again. 4 times got me off hard. Admittedly it's strange getting off to scenes of yourself and your own voice. I've done it before, gotten off to basic simple clips of myself, but when it's remixed and essentially made by someone else there's something unique about that experience. It's a sort of melding of two brains.

Despite the horny, slutty effects of the video, I couldn't help get teary with happiness when I first watched the video. The titles and hidden gems in the video just made it that much better. It is by far the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever made for me. Sure it's naughty and slutty but it was made just for me.