It's something that happened the other day, possibly for the first time, and it felt odd. I feel like I need to put it into words so that maybe I can understand it better.
The bf and I were having lunch at his place and I needed to go home and he needed to go to work later that afternoon and since it was a nice day I decided to walk home. I don't live too far from him. He decided to walk me half way home. We got to a bridge, over the train tracks, he noticed some locks on the fence (a lover's thing in these parts), I said thank you and see you tomorrow, we kissed, we kissed again and we looked at each other and parted ways saying goodbye.
Normally when we go our separate ways, either we're in the car, or at his place or at my place and we kiss goodbye and that's that.
There was something different about this separation. Something about the fact that it was half way and we both had to walk home from that mid point. Something about the kiss, that was more real, more noticeable than normal.
I can't explain it. It was odd, but a good odd. It's like things were good, but different.
Even once I've put it into words I still can't describe or explain what it was.
Just an odd sensation I guess.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Adenocarcinoma
It all happens all at once and it's just one horrible thing after the other.
When I wake up in the morning I check my emails. I do it to try to stay awake between alarm clock snoozes. I'm thinking I should change this routine and hit youtube instead, save emails for when I'm fully functioning and awake.
I got three emails from my sister yesterday morning, they were forwarded from my great aunt. They were yet another dagger stabbing into an already gaping wound but to be able to explain the pain and fear I need to briefly explain my family situation.
My mother died of lung cancer. She was not a smoker. She died when I was in my mid twenties, 10 years ago.
Shortly after she died my aunt, my father's sister, died of breast cancer. Both were devastating on me. They were horribly young deaths and while I wasn't super close with my aunt it hit home really strongly because my cousin was about my age.
There was a few years interval with various other horrible family things, many of which I've written here but most of which regard the Bf's family, including his brother's fight and triumph over cancer, his son's fight with drugs and his daughter's fight with suicide which just recurred again, not to mention my maternal grandmother's death at the age of 98.
A year ago however, and I can't remember if I mentioned this or not on here, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a rough time with that, though I do know that the prognosis for prostate cancer is very good. He is fine, he is under relatively good care and I try hard not to worry about it.
Back to the emails from yesterday morning.
The emails from yesterday morning were to tell my sister and I that my uncle (my mother's brother) has stage IV lung cancer, the same lung cancer my mother died of. It had metastasized to his bones and that's how they discovered it. My great aunt (my grandmother's younger sister) is obviously very shaken by the news. She wrote us insisting we come back to N. America to get tested because the doctors say it's genetic.
When I read the emails I burst into tears from a slew of different emotions. Fear, sorrow, anger helplessness... I can't even describe the various sensations. Mainly it brings back horrible memories of my mother's illness. I was never that close with my uncle. He's an odd person, mentally not quite right and while I always hug him when I see him, I've never spent time with him.
I'm terrified. I've been terrified since my Aunt died. Having cancer in the family, ALL my closest relatives with the exception of my two grandmothers (and my sister), all have or have died from cancer. Is it genetic when brother and sister die of the exact same cancer at about the same age when no-one else in the family had the same cancer or was there some external factor, something at their school, or something they were exposed to?
Monday or Tuesday I'll talk to my doctor to see what kind of tests there are. Just to be on the safe side I'll probably have to get tested once a year.
When I wake up in the morning I check my emails. I do it to try to stay awake between alarm clock snoozes. I'm thinking I should change this routine and hit youtube instead, save emails for when I'm fully functioning and awake.
I got three emails from my sister yesterday morning, they were forwarded from my great aunt. They were yet another dagger stabbing into an already gaping wound but to be able to explain the pain and fear I need to briefly explain my family situation.
My mother died of lung cancer. She was not a smoker. She died when I was in my mid twenties, 10 years ago.
Shortly after she died my aunt, my father's sister, died of breast cancer. Both were devastating on me. They were horribly young deaths and while I wasn't super close with my aunt it hit home really strongly because my cousin was about my age.
There was a few years interval with various other horrible family things, many of which I've written here but most of which regard the Bf's family, including his brother's fight and triumph over cancer, his son's fight with drugs and his daughter's fight with suicide which just recurred again, not to mention my maternal grandmother's death at the age of 98.
A year ago however, and I can't remember if I mentioned this or not on here, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a rough time with that, though I do know that the prognosis for prostate cancer is very good. He is fine, he is under relatively good care and I try hard not to worry about it.
Back to the emails from yesterday morning.
The emails from yesterday morning were to tell my sister and I that my uncle (my mother's brother) has stage IV lung cancer, the same lung cancer my mother died of. It had metastasized to his bones and that's how they discovered it. My great aunt (my grandmother's younger sister) is obviously very shaken by the news. She wrote us insisting we come back to N. America to get tested because the doctors say it's genetic.
When I read the emails I burst into tears from a slew of different emotions. Fear, sorrow, anger helplessness... I can't even describe the various sensations. Mainly it brings back horrible memories of my mother's illness. I was never that close with my uncle. He's an odd person, mentally not quite right and while I always hug him when I see him, I've never spent time with him.
I'm terrified. I've been terrified since my Aunt died. Having cancer in the family, ALL my closest relatives with the exception of my two grandmothers (and my sister), all have or have died from cancer. Is it genetic when brother and sister die of the exact same cancer at about the same age when no-one else in the family had the same cancer or was there some external factor, something at their school, or something they were exposed to?
Monday or Tuesday I'll talk to my doctor to see what kind of tests there are. Just to be on the safe side I'll probably have to get tested once a year.
Friday, May 22, 2015
More Neighbour
So my conversation with the Neighbour actually continued after my post. I thought it was over, I thought I managed to cut it short. But when I posted other pics I got more messages from him. He complimented me on the other pics and mentioned my Instagram... That's when I took the opportunity to call him a born hacker.
He actually apologised for being invasive. He admitted to having looked up all our neighbours too. He also realized that it was his gf who had told me, he said 'looks like I've got a spy in the house'. As if he didn't know his gf and I were talking. ...Weird.
Anyhow I still don't know what my opinion of him is. I can't really understand if it's friendly harmless flirting or if I should be very wary of this guy.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
The Neighbour is back...
I changed my profile picture on FB today. When I change my profile pic I occasionally get a private message from an ex boyfriend who tries to flirt with me. Today I got a private message from my neighbour. Yes folks. He's back.
It was a mound of compliments about it. I have to admit it made me feel good. I am flattered. But I really shouldn't be interacting with this guy. I really don't want to egg him on. We chatted for a bit. I tried to cut the conversation short a few times, just answering with a fb thumbs up or something but it didn't dissuade him from talking more. I hate being rude so I politely respond. Bad... bad me.
This isn't our first online interaction since those fateful posts... There was a recent episode where I was working down in my basement and he came down and startled me as he went into his laundry room. He just said 'Hi good morning'. And I answered back politely but I was obviously startled.
Later he asked if he had scared me and I admitted that he had but that it wasn't a problem and that I am often in my own world when I work. Blah blah it was a conversation... again that was difficult to cut off.
I can't pinpoint how I should view this guy. Whether he's SUPER shy and trying to hit on me or if he's a jerk.
Lately my outlook on men is rather dismal. I've had one too many weird or negative experiences and I've kinda lost faith in them. Maybe a polyamorous outlook is my destiny.
It was a mound of compliments about it. I have to admit it made me feel good. I am flattered. But I really shouldn't be interacting with this guy. I really don't want to egg him on. We chatted for a bit. I tried to cut the conversation short a few times, just answering with a fb thumbs up or something but it didn't dissuade him from talking more. I hate being rude so I politely respond. Bad... bad me.
This isn't our first online interaction since those fateful posts... There was a recent episode where I was working down in my basement and he came down and startled me as he went into his laundry room. He just said 'Hi good morning'. And I answered back politely but I was obviously startled.
Later he asked if he had scared me and I admitted that he had but that it wasn't a problem and that I am often in my own world when I work. Blah blah it was a conversation... again that was difficult to cut off.
I can't pinpoint how I should view this guy. Whether he's SUPER shy and trying to hit on me or if he's a jerk.
Lately my outlook on men is rather dismal. I've had one too many weird or negative experiences and I've kinda lost faith in them. Maybe a polyamorous outlook is my destiny.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Lingering Ethereal Disconnections
Words. I need to see words in print today. The physical things rather than just ethereal shadows in my mind as they are thought.
When I first started playing online I was doing it as an adrenaline rush. It was like a drug. It was addictive because it gave me that boost, that high. It felt so good, I was euphoric. I've come to fear those encounters now. The net is a scary place. It's all too familiar. All too close. It feels like it's too easy to see someone you know or worse, get into some sort of nasty situation like bribery. Despite all my fears it's not why I've stopped stripping on camera for fun. I had work arounds, I had people I trusted that I could get off with.
I soon realized, though, that stripping and getting off wasn't what I was really looking for. I was looking for approval. I was looking for a boost in self esteem. To get that boost, connections had to be made. When you start making connections people start having expectations, they start wanting a more emotional connection or possibly a more physical one, based in reality.
If I wasn't in a position to give that connection then there was the risk of hurting that person, and vice-versa, if I wanted that connection and they weren't willing, I would get hurt. That is what scares me now: Hurting people or getting hurt.
Today I feel like I've lost all connection, for whatever reason I just don't feel it. With anyone. Whether that be online or in my 'real' life. I feel utterly disconnected. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'm sure there's an explanation. I'm likely the one responsible for it. I'm sure it's something in my own mind, in my own behaviour even, but I can't pinpoint what it is or how to fix it.
I've had it before and it is generally a temporary feeling. Today it's strong enough for me to put it into words but it's been lingering for quite some time now in the shadows of my mind and heart.
When I first started playing online I was doing it as an adrenaline rush. It was like a drug. It was addictive because it gave me that boost, that high. It felt so good, I was euphoric. I've come to fear those encounters now. The net is a scary place. It's all too familiar. All too close. It feels like it's too easy to see someone you know or worse, get into some sort of nasty situation like bribery. Despite all my fears it's not why I've stopped stripping on camera for fun. I had work arounds, I had people I trusted that I could get off with.
I soon realized, though, that stripping and getting off wasn't what I was really looking for. I was looking for approval. I was looking for a boost in self esteem. To get that boost, connections had to be made. When you start making connections people start having expectations, they start wanting a more emotional connection or possibly a more physical one, based in reality.
If I wasn't in a position to give that connection then there was the risk of hurting that person, and vice-versa, if I wanted that connection and they weren't willing, I would get hurt. That is what scares me now: Hurting people or getting hurt.
Today I feel like I've lost all connection, for whatever reason I just don't feel it. With anyone. Whether that be online or in my 'real' life. I feel utterly disconnected. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'm sure there's an explanation. I'm likely the one responsible for it. I'm sure it's something in my own mind, in my own behaviour even, but I can't pinpoint what it is or how to fix it.
I've had it before and it is generally a temporary feeling. Today it's strong enough for me to put it into words but it's been lingering for quite some time now in the shadows of my mind and heart.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Brain Chaos.
Things in my brain have calmed down... because it's my brain that creates the chaos and difficulties that I perceive. Sure, there are external factors too but it's magnified by my brain.
The niece is no better, still in the psych ward and still very difficult to deal with. She's fine with me, but a monster with her parents yet they seem to be dealing with things slowly and painfully but steadily.
As with the bf I had a discussion with him. It was painless and quite easy. We talked about sex but it was a conversation that didn't seem to resolve anything. We need to talk about it again. I have issues, he has issues and for now we acknowledged that they are there and we voiced some of them. Now to work through them and get past them.
The weather is good, it's hot... and that does things to me. It makes me horny... I've got pictures planned but whether I'll manage to find time to get any up is the main issue.
I need a vacation.
The niece is no better, still in the psych ward and still very difficult to deal with. She's fine with me, but a monster with her parents yet they seem to be dealing with things slowly and painfully but steadily.
As with the bf I had a discussion with him. It was painless and quite easy. We talked about sex but it was a conversation that didn't seem to resolve anything. We need to talk about it again. I have issues, he has issues and for now we acknowledged that they are there and we voiced some of them. Now to work through them and get past them.
The weather is good, it's hot... and that does things to me. It makes me horny... I've got pictures planned but whether I'll manage to find time to get any up is the main issue.
I need a vacation.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Better
I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying desperately not to cry and being mostly unsuccessful. I even got hugs from people at work as I burst in to tears there, it was a stressful day. Not only that but things with the bf were getting to me and things were piling up.
The bf was better about the whole situation yesterday and today. He came with me to the hospital briefly today. I didn't stay long either mind you. She seemed to be in good spirits but that's likely a show. She's not really ok. We know that.
At work the CoW walked up to me, real close, looked me straight in the eye about 4 inches away and said that I was 'super beautiful today' and continued to say 'but yesterday...' and didn't finish his sentence. He was brushing up, touching my hand and jokingly inviting me into one of the back rooms at work today too. it was a nice distraction. It's funny how he finds me super attractive at my lowest point. Maybe he's attracted to my vulnerability.
I invited CoW out for drinks today since we have a student of ours from our trip to Corfu who is in town. He said he might come if I promised not to seduce him. When I told him that I promised, he said he didn't trust me. He was working so the texts stopped and eventually got back to me saying that the appointment was too late and that he couldn't make it, he had to get home to his family.
I got a care package from home today too. That definitely cheered me up. It had all sorts of things that I love from people I love. It was heartwarming. It's times like these that I really miss my friends back home and wish I could just meet up for coffee or spend a weekend on a tiny island curled up on a couch with my best friend.
As regards to the bf there's all sorts of stuff I need to work through and that we both need to work through together. He said some things the other day that later, thinking back, made me really angry. I've put them aside for now but we really need to talk. Things are so busy though that we've barely been able to meet up. Yesterday I had the whole afternoon free but I was too angry and too upset to be able to deal with anything. It will be the project for this weekend.
The bf was better about the whole situation yesterday and today. He came with me to the hospital briefly today. I didn't stay long either mind you. She seemed to be in good spirits but that's likely a show. She's not really ok. We know that.
At work the CoW walked up to me, real close, looked me straight in the eye about 4 inches away and said that I was 'super beautiful today' and continued to say 'but yesterday...' and didn't finish his sentence. He was brushing up, touching my hand and jokingly inviting me into one of the back rooms at work today too. it was a nice distraction. It's funny how he finds me super attractive at my lowest point. Maybe he's attracted to my vulnerability.
I invited CoW out for drinks today since we have a student of ours from our trip to Corfu who is in town. He said he might come if I promised not to seduce him. When I told him that I promised, he said he didn't trust me. He was working so the texts stopped and eventually got back to me saying that the appointment was too late and that he couldn't make it, he had to get home to his family.
I got a care package from home today too. That definitely cheered me up. It had all sorts of things that I love from people I love. It was heartwarming. It's times like these that I really miss my friends back home and wish I could just meet up for coffee or spend a weekend on a tiny island curled up on a couch with my best friend.
As regards to the bf there's all sorts of stuff I need to work through and that we both need to work through together. He said some things the other day that later, thinking back, made me really angry. I've put them aside for now but we really need to talk. Things are so busy though that we've barely been able to meet up. Yesterday I had the whole afternoon free but I was too angry and too upset to be able to deal with anything. It will be the project for this weekend.
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