Thursday, May 13, 2010

I had the talk with BF. It didn't go ...

I had the talk with BF. It didn't go as I had planned though.

It was mostly about the future, and it went as all the other conversations on this topic have ever gone. It was frustrating and perhaps even calming at the same time. I came away from it frustrated and panicky. The next day when things had settled in my brain, I was calmed.

Apart from the usual talk about money and houses and children (which are all difficult things for us to obtain) the main thing that came out of it was that he said the sentence he says to me only when we have these conversations: that he's sure of me. To translate for those of you who don't get the subtlety of this phrase, it means I love you.

He has only said "I love you" to me about two or three times in 12 years of relationship. The first time he said it I was 20, and we were in the middle of a huge argument, and I was crying, when he said "I think I love you" I started crying even harder. I was so angry with him (only god remembers why). Ever since, whether for fear or for pride, he has never really told me ever again. Except for during sex once after a wedding, and we were both drunk. 

Perhaps that has made an impact on our relationship more than I'd like to admit. 

It's difficult for me to understand the importance of this relationship for him if he doesn't vocalize it. Perhaps I have gone along thinking that it doesn't mean as much for him as it actually does and therefore I have put less importance on it than I should. He demonstrates his love for me everyday it's not like I don't see it. But I need to hear it.

I think I have held back in saying it myself because he doesn't say it to me, and because I'm afraid of abandonment due to bad experiences with other partners. 

Getting back to the conversation... I went to bed thinking... I don't feel the same way. I was panicking, thinking, "I don't love him...", "what am I doing...". when I woke up the next morning, between hugs and kisses and him telling me I was beautiful, I started melting. 

Yes I still have my doubts. They haven't just disappeared, but I'm calmer than I was. The talk was necessary. What's the next step? 

7 comments:

Leonhart said...

I don't know where you go from here, but the fact that you still feel like you need to go SOMEWHERE says a lot about how unresolved this all still is.

R.R. said...

They say actions speak louder than words, but I'm with you here. It's nice to be shown love, but it's also important to hear it, too,

Southern Sage said...

With LH here the fact that you are still unsure is telling it seems to me. What I would do is not let it go until I was satisfied. Beat it all the way to death or get some resolution. You only get one shot at life why comprise?

CeCe Savage said...

I get really panicky about emotions too. I can understand your feeling and how much easier it is to ignore the anxiety when things are going well and kisses and hugs are being shared. Good luck with working this out in a way that makes you happy.

My Love Life

DOG3OY said...

wow, a guy that doesn't express his feelings, didn't see that coming. after 12 years he still has issues communicating .................

cheshirecat said...

This comment has two points:

1. Do you think that if you and your bf didn't have the same friends and weren't as dependent on each other you would still be together? Perhaps you're just having cold feet or feel like there's something missing from the relationship that is causing you to have doubts. For instance, the lack of verbal affection?

2. I was about to cam with this bisexual girl yesterday and I remembered your blog about pre-recordings and realised it was so fake because she kept winking and pouting at me. So I called her up on it and 'she' said 'Ask me to do anything' and I said 'Fine go smell those flowers behind you' and she was making excuses about them being plastic and then she cancelled the session. So I said 'Hah! Caught you out!' and 'she' said 'No offense but what you were asking was really degrading. I'm not wearing any panties or anything' and I said 'Dude you just squeezed your breats' then 'she' blocked me. I was pissing myself for hours afterwards.

Diner Nighthawk said...

This is my own personal bit of crazy, but I know that if my wife has a viscerally bad reaction to something (for instance, my being too aggressive in bed, or anal sex), I'm wont to never do it again. Which is a shame, because I'm only now realizing that tastes change, and things that were inappropriate years ago might be outright desired now.

Another example: when I was dating Amy, she worked in a student newsroom in school. I wasn't a student there, so I wasn't allowed to just show up. But one day she was mad at me and wouldn't take my calls, so I made up a bunch of business cards and entered her school pretending I was a youth pastor who wanted to buy advertising space in their newspaper. They let me in to see her. And unfortunately, she ruined it by blowing up at me.

She was livid, and told me she had never been more embarrassed and couldn't believe I had the ego to do that. So I never did it again.

Years later, when we were breaking up, she asked me how come I stopped doing things like that, and how romantic I used to be. She used that as a specific example. And then it was my turn to get upset, because that was the kind of boyfriend I always wanted to be, and I wasn't because of her reaction and because I never got any signal from her that this kind of behavior was suddenly desired by her.

My suggestion would be that if you love him, and you need to hear him say it to you, make the first move. Tell him in private it, like it's the most important thing you've ever told him. Sure it would be great if he had the initiative to not need you to do so, but it's possible that he just doesn't want to risk rocking the boat by pointing it out too much. He might feel like he's doing great with the I Love You's because he mistook something that was wrong in the moment with something that was wrong altogether.

Sorry, that was rambling!