It was mostly about the future, and it went as all the other conversations on this topic have ever gone. It was frustrating and perhaps even calming at the same time. I came away from it frustrated and panicky. The next day when things had settled in my brain, I was calmed.
Apart from the usual talk about money and houses and children (which are all difficult things for us to obtain) the main thing that came out of it was that he said the sentence he says to me only when we have these conversations: that he's sure of me. To translate for those of you who don't get the subtlety of this phrase, it means I love you.
He has only said "I love you" to me about two or three times in 12 years of relationship. The first time he said it I was 20, and we were in the middle of a huge argument, and I was crying, when he said "I think I love you" I started crying even harder. I was so angry with him (only god remembers why). Ever since, whether for fear or for pride, he has never really told me ever again. Except for during sex once after a wedding, and we were both drunk.
Perhaps that has made an impact on our relationship more than I'd like to admit.
It's difficult for me to understand the importance of this relationship for him if he doesn't vocalize it. Perhaps I have gone along thinking that it doesn't mean as much for him as it actually does and therefore I have put less importance on it than I should. He demonstrates his love for me everyday it's not like I don't see it. But I need to hear it.
I think I have held back in saying it myself because he doesn't say it to me, and because I'm afraid of abandonment due to bad experiences with other partners.
Getting back to the conversation... I went to bed thinking... I don't feel the same way. I was panicking, thinking, "I don't love him...", "what am I doing...". when I woke up the next morning, between hugs and kisses and him telling me I was beautiful, I started melting.
Yes I still have my doubts. They haven't just disappeared, but I'm calmer than I was. The talk was necessary. What's the next step?