Saturday, May 15, 2010

comment answers

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I have decided to answer them all in a new post. It would have been too long to answer in the comment box... so here goes. (comments are posted below)

First of all you are all absolutely right. I agree with every one of you. 

LH The matter is completely unresolved, nothing has been fixed, and that's where the panic came from on the night after the discussion. As Sage said it might be worth while to battle it out and see where it goes. But I'm afraid that battling it out would mean me saying what I want deep down, and that's to move out for a time to see what my feelings really are. And I'm not sure that's fair to the relationship. And that obviously ties into what CeCe said about it being easier to ignore emotions and difficulties when everything is going ok. Bf is evidently happy with the relationship as it is. But I can't ignore my feelings of needing to progress and needing to understand truly whether I'm in love with this guy. It has been on my mind forever.

Dog3oy said something that I have honestly known forever but have tended to ignore. Men are prone to having difficulty expressing themselves (I don't want to generalize too much but I think it's the general consensus, right?). I have always had the same problem too. So the two of us together just don't help the situation any. 

The number one point that Cheshirecat brought up hit the nail on the head. I honestly don't know if I'm getting cold feet or if I would be with him if we weren't so dependent on each other. I mentioned it in one of my first entries, we were never "meant to be together", it was a forced situation that we both accepted at the time and learned to live with. Some of the arguments were so heated and horrible that I should have left. He betrayed my trust and when I found out I should have left. But now we have grown closer over the years, the arguments are less frequent and we get along. Like an arranged marriage. We have learned to love each other (or depend on each other).

(*answer to Cheshirecat's point number two: I'm so glad you noticed! I've seen it a few times, and it kinda creeps me out. You never know who the hell it could be. Ugh... And to think they use it with kids... nastiness)

DN: You are absolutely right. I probably scared him the first time he admitted it to me, but I think we've gone beyond that and we've established that that isn't the only cause for his lack of emotional communication with me. We have had the "communication" talk more than once and he is conscious of his problem. He knows that he has great difficulty telling me how much he loves me. He regrets it. But you are absolutely right. I should probably set the example. The problem is, that I really am not sure of my feelings for him. I still have my doubts. And I unfortunately need those doubts to be proved wrong by him. I would feel horrible telling him I love him constantly and then realize when he starts telling me that I don't love him. 

I'm not sure there is a fix all situation here. I think a big part of the problem is my lack of feeling "ready" for a relationship, the "cold feet" that CeCe mentioned is the crux of the matter. The other part is that I am missing the passion. I've mentioned it before, I'll probably mention it again. When you've got passion you don't have stability, when you have stability you lose the passion. I miss the passion more than I'm willing to admit.

And the other crux is that I feel like I was kinda forced into the situation.
So many people have told me "if your heart's not in it, get out". The difficulty is figuring out whether my heart is in it or not.

That's the one thing no-one can help me with. I have to figure that out for myself.


Leonhart said...
I don't know where you go from here, but the fact that you still feel like you need to go SOMEWHERE says a lot about how unresolved this all still is.

MAY 13, 2010 5:19 PM
R.R. said...
They say actions speak louder than words, but I'm with you here. It's nice to be shown love, but it's also important to hear it, too,

MAY 13, 2010 5:27 PM
Southern Sage said...
With LH here the fact that you are still unsure is telling it seems to me. What I would do is not let it go until I was satisfied. Beat it all the way to death or get some resolution. You only get one shot at life why comprise?

MAY 13, 2010 8:23 PM
CeCe Savage said...
I get really panicky about emotions too. I can understand your feeling and how much easier it is to ignore the anxiety when things are going well and kisses and hugs are being shared. Good luck with working this out in a way that makes you happy.

My Love Life

MAY 14, 2010 12:18 AM
DOG3OY said...
wow, a guy that doesn't express his feelings, didn't see that coming. after 12 years he still has issues communicating .................

MAY 14, 2010 3:06 AM
cheshirecat said...
This comment has two points:

1. Do you think that if you and your bf didn't have the same friends and weren't as dependent on each other you would still be together? Perhaps you're just having cold feet or feel like there's something missing from the relationship that is causing you to have doubts. For instance, the lack of verbal affection?

2. I was about to cam with this bisexual girl yesterday and I remembered your blog about pre-recordings and realised it was so fake because she kept winking and pouting at me. So I called her up on it and 'she' said 'Ask me to do anything' and I said 'Fine go smell those flowers behind you' and she was making excuses about them being plastic and then she cancelled the session. So I said 'Hah! Caught you out!' and 'she' said 'No offense but what you were asking was really degrading. I'm not wearing any panties or anything' and I said 'Dude you just squeezed your breats' then 'she' blocked me. I was pissing myself for hours afterwards.

MAY 14, 2010 6:00 AM
Diner Nighthawk said...
This is my own personal bit of crazy, but I know that if my wife has a viscerally bad reaction to something (for instance, my being too aggressive in bed, or anal sex), I'm wont to never do it again. Which is a shame, because I'm only now realizing that tastes change, and things that were inappropriate years ago might be outright desired now.

Another example: when I was dating Amy, she worked in a student newsroom in school. I wasn't a student there, so I wasn't allowed to just show up. But one day she was mad at me and wouldn't take my calls, so I made up a bunch of business cards and entered her school pretending I was a youth pastor who wanted to buy advertising space in their newspaper. They let me in to see her. And unfortunately, she ruined it by blowing up at me.

She was livid, and told me she had never been more embarrassed and couldn't believe I had the ego to do that. So I never did it again.

Years later, when we were breaking up, she asked me how come I stopped doing things like that, and how romantic I used to be. She used that as a specific example. And then it was my turn to get upset, because that was the kind of boyfriend I always wanted to be, and I wasn't because of her reaction and because I never got any signal from her that this kind of behavior was suddenly desired by her.

My suggestion would be that if you love him, and you need to hear him say it to you, make the first move. Tell him in private it, like it's the most important thing you've ever told him. Sure it would be great if he had the initiative to not need you to do so, but it's possible that he just doesn't want to risk rocking the boat by pointing it out too much. He might feel like he's doing great with the I Love You's because he mistook something that was wrong in the moment with something that was wrong altogether.

Sorry, that was rambling!


Anonymous said...

Sugar I think this line should make it clear, crystal clear.........

*But I'm afraid that battling it out would mean me saying what I want deep down, and that's to move out for a time to see what my feelings really are*

If that is what your thinking is then I would do the old Ben Franklin and write down the pro's and con's of this action. If you want to see what your feelings are then do it. He will understand or he won't. It isn't about him it is about YOU.

Good luck.

CeCe Savage said...

I agree with Southern Sage.

I also think that the space would be good to allow you the freedom to figure things out in your head without him there.

Advizor said...

Your thoughtful approach combined with "hard fact" honesty will get you through this.

You are wonderful, it will work out.