Saturday, August 18, 2012

Croatian After-Math

Croatian sea is gorgeous but COLD. 

I've been back for two days. Bf and I were supposed to head down to his mother's house and I'd have been away for another week but we decided against it and, well here I am back in the blogworld.

The trip to Croatia was nice and not so nice. I'm not sure how to describe it because it was a holiday in the true sense of the word, and I don't get many of those. I read 4 books in 8 days and tanned, swam and took a hike on my own.

I left home with a dread and sort of apathy towards the holiday. All I wanted was to tell bf I didn't want to be with him anymore, that I wanted to move out and have my own place. That's all I could think for about half the trip.

I let him do what he wanted most of the time. I just kept saying "whatever you want to do", "if you want", "sure", "ok". I was fine with it. I didn't have anything I really wanted so I let him take over. But soon enough I realized he was sort of at a loss. He really didn't know what to do with himself often especially while I was reading. He doesn't even try to strike up conversation with me like say, about what I'm reading. He brought his new "toy", a little boat with a motor and he was quite content to use it but the sea water was too cold to snorkel in which is what he really wanted to do.

I'm happy to say that I got by great without internet. It was a welcome get-away from that too. I buried my nose in books. And I caught bf mumbling something about me hiding in a fantasy world of books rather than on internet as if it were the same thing.

We didn't have sex. I just wasn't up for it. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him if I knew I just wanted to tell him that I was leaving him. But then he sort of half convinced me (it's hard to explain, I think I felt guilty) and we did have sex once. It was pretty horrible for me. I cried, luckily he took me from behind so he couldn't see my face.

On our way back home though something eased up inside of me and I started relaxing towards him. The ice around my mood sort of melted. Once we got back I was relatively happy... until today. Things are right back where they were.

During the time I was in Croatia I read a book that really got me thinking about relationships. It was a book by Murakami called "South of the Border, West of the Sun". There are passages that describe perfectly the draw I feel towards certain people. And there are pages of description of what happens if one might follow those urges and they aren't positive for anyone involved.

I'm going to bring up wanting to get out of here again with bf. It's just a matter of when to do it. It will be soon. Since we've been through the conversation already it should really have a different, hopefully more effective, consequence. I'm planning on telling him that the feeling does ebb. It's not constant. But that it always returns. If it returns it means that I need to act on it. I can't continue with this ebb. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm hoping to bring it up tomorrow. That's my tentative plan. But don't hold me to it.... please. I know that reading me say this each time must be frustrating but it is my place to vent so I apologize for the frustration but it's just the way it goes.

Enjoy the pic. No click-thru or tricks today.


Advizor54 said...

You can say it and then change your mind 100 times, as long as you are being true to yourself. You and he are the only ones that matter in this discussion. I tell my friends that I'm going to eat better all the time, sometimes as I'm talking over to the candy stash. You will find the time and strength when the time is right.

I love the picture, glad you got tanned, sad that you cried, and happy that you are back safe and sound.

Ebony Panther said...

Oh fine. Make me click through the photo 5 times trying to figure out the trick before I read down at the bottom that there's no click through!! Seriously, you'll know when the right time is. It'll just come out. Don't worry about whatever you say on a blog. No one of importance will ever hold you to it. Besides, blogs are for blowing off steam & venting anyway. Anybody who takes what people say on blogs as law is an idiot & therefore, is not important.
I waited for you to come back before I put my blog on private. You can talk about the blog but people are going to need to send me their email address so I can add them to the list of people who can read it.