Friday, August 24, 2012
Father Daughter Relationship
I've been thinking a little.... ok.... a lot. I always think a lot. I've been ruminating the story with bf, and the relationship a bit too.
I can't really do much else at the moment because all the real-estate agents are on holiday until Monday, so I'm stuck thinking.
Bf and I have what you might consider a father daughter type relationship as the therapist said. But how does that really work?
When I first arrived in this country I was working for a family, they gave me room and board. I had organized a place to stay for September and put a down payment on the apartment I was going to rent with students.
When September rolled round the apartment was completely empty, there was no toilet, no shower, no kitchen... nothing.
Since bf had driven me to the apartment that day, he suggested that I go stay with him. So I did.
I never left.
He took me in and paid for everything (since I didn't have much money). I cooked, cleaned and ironed in return. I eventually found work and started paying my own rent, and half the bills. I kept up with the cooking and everything else, but I was always afraid of bf's reaction if I didn't do it, he was a little more volatile than he is now.
Eventually we moved, he quit his job and I got more work. Our roles reversed and he started doing all the cooking and cleaning. That's how it's been ever since.
A while back now, I asked bf if he wanted kids and after an argument and some tears he came to me and said " it's not that I don't want kids with you... I just wouldn't want a girl because she'd be like you". For ages I was trying to figure that out. But now it makes sense. He doesn't need anyone else to take care of. I'm enough.
I don't want to live with a father figure. I'm afraid that I've never really "grown up". I need this new space to find myself.
It isn't fair for him to have to "look after" someone all the time, but that's what's going on. I'd rather come to the relationship as a grown woman capable of taking care of herself. At the same time though, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me with a different perspective. I'm pretty sure he'll get scared away by my new found independence. I think he's always been comfortable with the way things are. He probably has never wanted me to get a studio on a subconscious level. He is afraid of that change in me. He believes that I can obtain any goal I put my mind to and he probably thinks that those goals will push me away from him.