Friday, August 24, 2012

Father Daughter Relationship

I've been thinking a little.... ok.... a lot. I always think a lot. I've been ruminating the story with bf, and the relationship a bit too.

I can't really do much else at the moment because all the real-estate agents are on holiday until Monday, so I'm stuck thinking.

Bf and I have what you might consider a father daughter type relationship as the therapist said. But how does that really work?

When I first arrived in this country I was working for a family, they gave me room and board. I had organized a place to stay for September and put a down payment on the apartment I was going to rent with students.

When September rolled round the apartment was completely empty, there was no toilet, no shower, no kitchen... nothing.

Since bf had driven me to the apartment that day, he suggested that I go stay with him. So I did.
I never left.

He took me in and paid for everything (since I didn't have much money). I cooked, cleaned and ironed in return. I eventually found work and started paying my own rent, and half the bills. I kept up with the cooking and everything else, but I was always afraid of bf's reaction if I didn't do it, he was a little more volatile than he is now.

Eventually we moved, he quit his job and I got more work. Our roles reversed and he started doing all the cooking and cleaning. That's how it's been ever since.

A while back now, I asked bf if he wanted kids and after an argument and some tears he came to me and said " it's not that I don't want kids with you... I just wouldn't want a girl because she'd be like you". For ages I was trying to figure that out. But now it makes sense. He doesn't need anyone else to take care of. I'm enough.

I don't want to live with a father figure. I'm afraid that I've never really "grown up". I need this new space to find myself.

It isn't fair for him to have to "look after" someone all the time, but that's what's going on. I'd rather come to the relationship as a grown woman capable of taking care of herself. At the same time though, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me with a different perspective. I'm pretty sure he'll get scared away by my new found independence. I think he's always been comfortable with the way things are. He probably has never wanted me to get a studio on a subconscious level. He is afraid of that change in me. He believes that I can obtain any goal I put my mind to and he probably thinks that those goals will push me away from him.


Ebony Panther said...

I can completely understand where you're coming from. At some point in life, though, as a friend of mine likes to say, bird's gotta fly.

Advizor54 said...

From what I've read, I think you also have a bit of the Mother/Son dynamic. Neither one of you are coming in as fully formed adults. He's still a mamma's boy, you let him take care of you in some ways but you are working more and are more responsible outside the home. He's emotionally dependant on you and hasn't found his motivation to move on since losing his job, or quitting.

You are ready to fly as Ebony says. Move out, get your studio, date the BF if that feels right, but you have to make your mark on your own. It's time.