Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Woah Co-W = Dad?

So I went in to work today just to say hi. So I get there say hi to everyone, Co-Worker is in another room, doing something so I don't see him right away. I stop to talk to some people and then he walks in and waves at me. He looks different. He looks good. Blue shirt, khaki shorts, a new haircut and shaved.
I comment on the cut. He replies that he looks better, trendier this way and walks away.
When I walk into the room where he is, he stops in front of me... his usual extra close distance and he says, quietly, "you know why I cut my hair?" I respond no, and he says "I'm going to be a daddy."

I think my jaw dropped right about then. I wasn't sure he was serious so I asked him two or three times if he was joking. He said, "I joke a lot, but I'm definitely not joking about this."

I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him. And then the conversation changed topics and life went on as usual.

The girl I work with asked me what I thought. I honestly said that he would be a fantastic father. I told her that it was weird, but that I was really happy for him.

On my way home, I'm not sure if it was a song I was listening to or what, but I almost burst into tears. Now I'm not sad because he's having a kid per-sé but it definitely gives this whole thing a sense of closure... and I guess I didn't want to close it. I'll survive though of course. It only lasted about 30 seconds.

A few of you were voicing your opinions of Co-W, and well I think that for probably the past 3 months or more, this is what has been going on.

Strange things crossed my mind with all this. Questions like  'what's keeping me here'... and 'I'm feeling jealous'... but at the same time 'why would I be jealous'.

I guess my heart and brain need to work out what they feel and just work through the emotional info.

I think the jealousy is for the fact that they managed, after just three years to have clear ideas on what they wanted and where they wanted to go. After 14 years with the bf I still don't have that. I admit that I doubt this child was terribly planned. They are renting and neither of them have super well paying jobs. Nonetheless I am envious of their decisions in a way.

Fact is.... bf has never asked me if I want kids. It's always been me asking him. To be fair though. I'm not even sure what I'd answer right now. Perhaps in our 5th or 6th year of being together (because year 1-4 were rough) I'd have been clearer. But right now... I have no idea.


Michael said...

Yes several of us have been negative about CoW. He is moving on. And I think that this is a signal for you to FINALLY move on, too ... about everything. Difficult I know ... but you have just put it off too long.


Advizor54 said...

Watching our friends move forward, even in a direction we don't want to go, brings up all the emotions connected to our own decisions. You may never want kids, but your ambivalence comes to the front when others get pregnant. Don't let the changes in his life skew your thinking about your own. His happiness about having his baby does not translate in to your happiness at having a baby.

It is perfectly OK to be happy for him while being a little jealous of his changes, but they won't make you happy. It might, however, spur you on to make decisions that need to be made for yourself, renting a studio space, moving out, changing things with BF and/or lover.

And besides, you can be the fun and sexy aunt who takes the baby to the fun night clubs when she comes of age.

Johanna said...

I've been (and am) on a holiday, away from the internet mostly - just read your last few posts now. Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. I know the feeling of a short but intense panicky feeling when told about certain news from friends... be it a successful career move, a baby, a new house... or a divorce even! I envy their determination, their ability to make decisions. (I'm sure others feel the same way about me sometimes, and about you.) It's all about a reminder of decisions unmade within ourselves, a longing... it has nothing to do with them, but our reaction is an important message to ourselves to deal with things, to get moving on things that matter. I hope you'll feel ready to make some changes soon.