So I went in to work today just to say hi. So I get there say hi to everyone, Co-Worker is in another room, doing something so I don't see him right away. I stop to talk to some people and then he walks in and waves at me. He looks different. He looks good. Blue shirt, khaki shorts, a new haircut and shaved.
I comment on the cut. He replies that he looks better, trendier this way and walks away.
When I walk into the room where he is, he stops in front of me... his usual extra close distance and he says, quietly, "you know why I cut my hair?" I respond no, and he says "I'm going to be a daddy."
I think my jaw dropped right about then. I wasn't sure he was serious so I asked him two or three times if he was joking. He said, "I joke a lot, but I'm definitely not joking about this."
I congratulated him, told him I was happy for him. And then the conversation changed topics and life went on as usual.
The girl I work with asked me what I thought. I honestly said that he would be a fantastic father. I told her that it was weird, but that I was really happy for him.
On my way home, I'm not sure if it was a song I was listening to or what, but I almost burst into tears. Now I'm not sad because he's having a kid per-sé but it definitely gives this whole thing a sense of closure... and I guess I didn't want to close it. I'll survive though of course. It only lasted about 30 seconds.
A few of you were voicing your opinions of Co-W, and well I think that for probably the past 3 months or more, this is what has been going on.
Strange things crossed my mind with all this. Questions like 'what's keeping me here'... and 'I'm feeling jealous'... but at the same time 'why would I be jealous'.
I guess my heart and brain need to work out what they feel and just work through the emotional info.
I think the jealousy is for the fact that they managed, after just three years to have clear ideas on what they wanted and where they wanted to go. After 14 years with the bf I still don't have that. I admit that I doubt this child was terribly planned. They are renting and neither of them have super well paying jobs. Nonetheless I am envious of their decisions in a way.
Fact is.... bf has never asked me if I want kids. It's always been me asking him. To be fair though. I'm not even sure what I'd answer right now. Perhaps in our 5th or 6th year of being together (because year 1-4 were rough) I'd have been clearer. But right now... I have no idea.