So I went.
I went to see the therapist.
It was not a revelation. It was encouragement to do what I've been wanting to do for ages. I paid an arm and a leg, but it was worth my feeling confident.
A lot of things were said. The meeting was 1.5 hours long so we went through a lot of stuff. In the end there were a few conclusions. Getting my own place is the easiest best way to figure out whether I want to try to concentrate on art and to figure out whether I want to continue the relationship with bf.
She suggested I not say anything to bf about looking into apartments until I was ready to commit to something. That way I could stay out of discussions and avoid being talked out of it.
We came to the conclusion that my relationship with bf is very much like a father daughter one. He does most everything for me.... She also said that it works for many couples.
She came to the conclusion that since he's happy where he is, he doesn't want things to change and therefore he's not bringing anything really to the relationship, if not marriage, if not kids.... then what? just slide on into old age like this? It's not what I want. I want more.
So I need to go out and get it for myself. If he doesn't like it he'll cut himself loose. If he can maybe we'll stay together.
I'm pretty sure I've come to some of these conclusions on my own (others have also commented and emailed me these conclusions as well), but it was really helpful to have someone tell me to my face. It was encouraging. It was also nice to hear that I didn't have to tell bf everything that is going on with me. I felt that if I didn't I was being disrespectful or something when in reality at this point it's just having to get something done and that's it. I'm at an age where I need to look after what I want.
I talked to an agency about an apartment yesterday. They're more or less on holiday but she said she'd get back to me. The apartment sounds really good except that it's totally empty. I'd need to get a kitchen fridge the whole 9 yards. But the price is good. We'll see. I'd have to make adjustments to my budget but I think I could manage.
Anyhow that's that....
Next step, finding a place.... (again)