Thanks,stats and blog list.

I want to thank all my followers and blog friends. I have a lot of lurkers who I also love. I see you lurking and I love that you're there reading and keeping up. I'd be happy to hear from you, but I know that sometimes it's just easier not to write a comment, that's all good too, I am happy no matter what.

I need my followers, the ones who comment and the ones who don't. It forces me to be faithful to my decision of blogging. I wouldn't bother if I knew no-one was reading. At that point I'd keep a journal. I need the external stimuli to keep writing.

I have had a total of about 88,713 visits to this blog since I started in May 2009. I have an average of visits per day that fluctuates, but right now it's around 55. The nice thing is that the average visit length is actually 2.00 minutes long! That, to me, is impressive, it means that people are reading and paying attention.

I need to update my side blog list, which I hope to get to this week. But here's a list of my favourite blogs. I would suggest that any lurkers and public readers out there take a look to see what they're offering. 
I love women's blogs more than men's. If it's the right kind of blog, I'll read every post they write but I have only found a few (2) women's blogs that I really truly connect with. As for the men, I like looking into the male psyche, but I'm not an avid reader of male blogs. I have many I stop in at regularly, but I just don't have time to keep up with everything. I admit I follow more men than women, but it's the women's blogs I like more, it's just harder to find exactly what I like in a woman's blog.
I think too that I'll follow a blog more if I catch it from the start. If I have to dive in mid blogging, I have a harder time with it. 


Ladies first:

Rachel-xx @ Naughty Rachel - xx : She has a blog that is quite similar to mine in that it's the honest, open diary of a woman exploring her relationship possibilities. We could honestly be sisters, we are similar in many ways, we just have so much in common.

Johanna @ Disentangling Johanna : Johanna is a blogger whose blog is on a very similar topic to mine since she has a a very important online relationship like mine and Rob's. They haven't met yet but I do believe that someday they will. They are very very close and have recently realized just how close they are.

Sin @ Finding my Submission :  She is a sub in a Dom/sub BDSM relationship. Her blog is mostly an outlet for her thoughts, troubles and trials, as well as ideas on this type of relationship. 

Conina @ Surrender : I'll let her tell you what she's about. "The love of my life is also my husband and master. He's a very very accommodating man who is also not afraid to take what he wants from me . That makes me the luckiest girl alive. This is my story of submission, of surrender, and of joy - mostly told through sex."

Liza @ Always Each Other : Here's what her intro says: "Liza is one half of a happily married couple who have recently rediscovered one another. We can't be pinned down." 

Men:

Advizor @ Free Advice is Worth What you Pay for it : This is a good friend of mine, we met years ago through the blogs. He is hosting Flash Fiction Friday, so if you have a blog and want to participate go over there and find out what it's all about. He is a great writer of erotic fiction and you'll find general diary entries on his blog too. I guess I go for the diary type blog more than the journalist type blog.

DoG3oY @ The Guru's nipples of power : Now this guy has a sort of diary as well. Though he's not great in keeping it up recently, we need to encourage him to do so. He's always had a mix of stuff on the blog from work related banter to erotic thoughts and stories. 

N.Likes @ My Dissolute Life : He's got mostly erotic but the occasional real story diary type entry. He likes commenting on women he sees, a bit of a voyeur really. 

JFBreak @ Break Out : is a bisexual man and his trials and tribulations in his marriage to his wife. The threesomes they've done and his interactions with male colleagues at work. It's a great mix of erotic and diary. I've been following for some time but recently I've been paying more attention to this blog.

Malcom @ Malc's Blog : His is a collection of thoughts more than anything. An older man with a younger wife and his attractions to other women and his thoughts on eroticism and many other topics.

Tom @ Three spelling Mistakes : Tom has great writing abilities. He writes short erotic stories that just leave you wanting more. I haven't been keeping up with his blog as much as I'd like since I can't get it onto my reader list (not sure why) and I keep forgetting to add it as a bookmark, but I'll figure something out. He's on a no masturbation celibacy vow at the moment, let's see how it goes!

Osbasso @ Views from the Back Row : This is the famous HNT blog starting point. HNT doesn't exist anymore though on occasion there are returns... now that I think of it I'm pretty sure he's set up a monthly HNT event, though I've been so busy I haven't had time to check out when it is. His normal posting is mostly day to day stuff, but I love peeking into people's lives so it's just my style. 

Oh yes I've done it again.

Rob
I took a leap of courage and booked myself an art course in the UK for July. It cost very little to book the space on the course so I figured even if I had to back out it would be ok.

I told Rob shortly after I'd booked it, I told him the date and asked when would be ok to meet up. I had two weeks off work before the course so there was plenty of time. I knew he was busy in a couple of summer dates, but I didn't exactly know when, but I figured that with 2 weeks available I'd be able to wing something.

It turns out the dates weren't the best, we chatted online briefly one evening and I was worried the dates were completely wrong, I left it with him for the night and the next day or the day after we caught up on Skype for a phone conversation. We've worked it out, we're meeting up for the 7th and 8th of July.

He says it's a long way off. It's not really... It's almost Easter now. Soon enough it'll be April. Four months will go by quickly.

I've booked my flights now too. I'm flying into Paris and out of London. I'll be spending a few days in Paris and then taking the train to London. I've never been to Paris. I've always wanted to go, and I'll get to practice my french, see the louvre and all the gargoyles and gothic cathedrals I've always studied.

BF / Apartment
The bf may be worried that I'm going with someone else. I told him that I'm going for 2 weeks and he kept asking who I'm going with, I just kept interpreting his question as what airline I'm traveling with, and I kept answering the same answer.

He has bought the apartment he was looking at. He's put the down payment on it and will be choosing the floor tiles. Sometimes I think about it and it scares me. For the most part I'm ok, but I do panic at times, it's such a huge change for us. He's smoking again, I saw him smuggle a pack of cigarettes into his jacket. But we're getting along fine these days. He still gets on my nerves, but we're not at each other's throats.

I will hopefully have time to get to some real estate agencies this week and start the search again. I did get told about a place which would be ideal but it's a bit too far out of my way.

I have a lot of things on my plate, I've got lots of opportunities, I just need to figure out exactly what I want. Lot's of job options opening up for me, and I like them but I need to really concentrate and decide what I want for myself and what I think I can handle.

I am exhausted after a very intense week of work, I have only Sunday to rest up before another fairly intense week but it should be the last before getting things back on a normal spring track. March is always kinda crazy but luckily the weather is nicer, it was sunny and warm enough to sit outside on the patio and soak up some rays and produce some vitamin D.

A week in Men continued

So apart from those men I mentioned in the last post there were another two involved in my week. 

One is my mother's ex partner. He is not mentally well, he is not socially capable, and he's just getting the hang of computers, social networks and even a few blogs. He's a very intelligent man, but has great difficulty letting go of my mother's death. He contacts me. He has been doing so for years but recently with his becoming more involved with his blogs he has been sending me emails, many of them. Last week he probably sent me a total of 12 emails. They were not directed at me, they were correspondance with others. Why? because he says he wants to keep me informed of what he is up to.

One was directed at me though. He asked me to pass on a message to a friend.... And this is where the second man comes into play. The second man is my sister's ex boyfriend, he cheated on her. She hates him with all her heart and will never forgive him for what he did to her. 

My mum's ex asked me to contact my sister's ex. How fucked up is that? So the story goes that my sister's ex wrote a comment on my mum's ex's blog thinking it was my dad who was writing the blog. So my mum's ex asked me to pass the message on that it wasn't who he thought it was.

I got the privilege of talking to my sister's ex on fb for a bit.... joy. I kept it short and sweet.

The saga continues. My mum's ex has been posting comments about me on photographs with a friend of mine, including a compliment to my friend's physical aspect as well as mine. ugh. 

I finally decided to write my mum's ex an email about flooding me with emails, I subscribed to one of his blogs, hoping he'd back off, and he did. 

I tried to convince him that he should let go of his guilt and not blame himself for my mother's shortened life. Apparently (he says) she blamed him for it. I told him he wasn't responsible.... who knows if he'll ever let it go.

The Week in Men

It's been a strange week, a really strange week.

Office Guy
The Office Guy got back in touch with me this week. He's still a tad weird. I walked passed his office and politely smiled as I've always done. He barely managed to smile back. After a few hours I got an email from him saying that he thought I'd acted stuck up. I mean WTF I smiled at him. When I asked him in what sense he said that I hadn't paid attention to him. I loled and said that I'd smiled and it was him that barely got a smile back.

Humper
I got IMed by an ex of mine that I've mentioned before. He was a brief encounter in a year back home before deciding to dedicate my life to my bf and move here. Fact is that he's going through a separation and is leaning on texting me to placate his loneliness or something. It's a bit...ugh... I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't mind giving a friend an ear when they want to talk or vent... but he's getting into the habit of IMing me every day.

He basically spent an entire day IMing me about our relationship. The fact is he says he was in love with me. He said that I changed his life. I made him see that he was capable of being an attractive lover if he became more self assertive. I don't remember that. He also said that I'd told him that he was better looking than bf and better than the bf at sex. I don't remember any of that either. I barely remember the sex with him.

He also mentioned that his ego was boosted by the fact that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on. k that was an ego boost for me but not worth the bother of some guy I barely know IMing me every day. So now I'm forced to turn the FB chat function off in the evenings.

Retroflexed and retroverted

I'm not normal, I've always known I wasn't normal. But to this point?

This is a post that may cause some squeamishness... so beware. Do not read on if you don't want to know about my inner workings.

I always knew I had a retroverted uterus (tilted uterus) but my last visit to the gyno brought to light a retroverted and retroflexed uterus. I'm not one for writing medical things regarding my uterus on here, I've never talked about my periods or my reproductive health but today I'm going to break that rule.

A normal uterus viewed from the side looks like a sausage that sits on top of the bladder. A retroverted uterus leans back against the colon instead. A retroverted and retroflexed uterus is folded under itself pressing back even more on the colon.

Below are three images, the first is normal, the second is retroverted, and the third is me.

This condition is painful, to say the least, when my period comes round, not to mention when I'm ovulating. It causes colon problems just about always and apparently it's often a sign of endometriosis and/or pelvic inflammatory disease, neither of which I've been officially diagnosed with but that I (alone) have suspected for some time.

This condition can cause pain during intercourse, and I can testify that when taken at the wrong angle it's excruciating. 

It just plain sucks.

I have a plan though. I'm getting in touch with an american massage therapist. She works in Portland, Oregon, and does Skype appointments on self massages in the ancient Mayan technique of Arvigo. She sustains that the uterus can be corrected through this type of massage. At the very least it should ease some menstrual pain and colon pain.

My gyno appointment cost me 150 euros and was relatively inconclusive (no suggestions on how to deal with the pain)... this Skype appointment will cost me 67 US dollars.... I'm guessing the self massage technique will be more useful (if she agrees to see me and thinks it will help my specific case).

No touching

He sat naked propped on the edge of the bed, sheets in disarray beneath him.
She sat on her knees before him, glasses, thigh high black tights and a black bra, her panties had gotten lost within the sea of sheets.
The room was cool but they were both flushed. Her nipples hardened in the contrast of temperature.

"Hands behind your back baby, no touching. Let's see how you manage like that." He said to her smiling, almost laughing.

His cock was hard as rock and he loved that she could spend so much time with him in her mouth. She had spent enough time to warrant the sheet burns on each elbow.

She, on the other hand, had imagined the scene differently. She wasn't disappointed, but she had wanted him to tie her up. They were both shy and new at this and were working towards it.

She obeyed though, clasping her hands behind her back. His cock jumped in anticipation and she lunged forward to catch him in her mouth and missed. She giggled and buried her head deep between his thighs instead. Licking his balls, suckling them gently into her mouth.

He let her work, he wanted to see how well she'd manage on her own with no hands to help her and she was managing just fine.

She worked her way up his shaft, having to lift her whole body off her calves. She worked him up and down and she could feel her thighs burning from holding her body up. She wasn't sure how long she could manage it, after a short while her legs started shaking.

Sure, he noticed but he wanted to wear her out a little before helping her, then again he wouldn't exactly be helping, he'd just wear her out differently. He watched her as she took him in as far as she could without her hands.

She tried every angle she could think of. She blocked her own airways as often as she could but there really was no way she could get as deep with no hands, she didn't have the leverage.

"Want some help hon?"
She nodded and smiled. "I can't get you deep enough, I want you deeper."

He stood up from the bed and she backed up to make space for him. The room was small and they were basically wedged between the bed and the wall.

"Try leaning against the wall" he said as he took her head in his hand, and she shuffled back just a little further.
"Lean your head back and relax."

She looked up at him and smiled, he leaned in and teased her lips with his cock. She wouldn't let him in just yet. She wanted him to take more control. He slapped her lightly on the cheek with his cock and then grabbed her chin in his hand tightly, digging his fingers between her jaws to make her open.

"Stick your tongue out little slut." He ordered quietly but determined.
"Can I touch myself?" She asked hoping he'd let her.
She was dripping, she loved when he took control.

"No, of course not... That's not how it works" he laughed at her.

She pulled her tongue out and looked up at him not at his cock, straight into his eyes. He pushed so far into her throat right away, so fast and with so much force she wasn't expecting it. She coughed and her diaphragm went into a violent spasm. Her head knocked against the wall and her eyes started to water.

He pulled out as quickly as he'd gone in, letting her catch her breath.

"Sorry hon, was that a bit much?"

A point of no return?

This is the second time I've started this post. I'm confused and troubled. I've talked to some friends and family but I still haven't really come to full terms with things yet.

Bf opened a dialogue with me over the weekend. He has found a place. He'd basically be leasing to buy a small one bedroom apartment.

Fact is he asked me if he should take it. He laid out various prospects on the table for us. Things that I'd thought of myself, things like leaving the country and starting a business abroad. Traveling during winter and just working the summer here.

I think what everything boils down to is whether I want to lock myself into this relationship. Like my dad said, committing to living abroad with him or making long term travel plans with him is a bit like having a child. It's a hole filler. Do I really want to be stuck living with him in a foreign country with no friend base and he barely speaks the language?

So, the ultimate decision? We get separate apartments for now, then we'll see.
Believe me when I say that I've been agonizing over things for the past couple days. I was in tears the day we spoke when having a family came up. We spoke about having children again and I burst into tears.

As everyone has pointed out, I need to figure out whether I want to continue the relationship. But I'm finding the decision a hard one, slow and hard work. I don't think I'll know until I have my own place. And at that point there may be no going back. He may move on.

It's scary.

Lips

His small, worn, rough hand... His strong finger gently teasing my lips. He parts them ever so slightly, slipping between them, running their length.
A delicate pressure and they give way to a warm, welcoming opening, moist with the desire to taste him.
His hand is perceptibly chapped, contrasting the gentleness with which he moves; toying and teasing my senses but teasing it remains. I don't have the privilege of savoring him yet.

I crave him, hunger for him. My body reacts automatically, arching gracefully to accommodate and beckon him in as he makes the plunge. His hand and my body become one, moving in unison only momentarily.

He is him again and I am me but he owns me from the inside out. His finger enveloped in my juices moves so deep I can barely breathe. I want to speak to him, tell him to let me surrender but my mind is lost as my body gives way.