The Dinner

So one of the students where I work with Co-Worker decided she wanted to cook dinner for all the staff. She's Japanese. She needed a kitchen so I was the only one with a free kitchen since my boss has her grandchildren staying with her who needed to go to bed early, Co-Worker lives out of town and my other co-worker also lives out of town. Sooo My house it was.

As far as I knew though it was only going to be 4 of us. Me, the Japanese girl, Co-Worker and the Columbian girl I work with. I was hoping the Japanese girl and the Columbian girl would come together and leave together. So I'd be left cleaning up with Co-Worker, if anything to just have a chat with him. I miss our talks from Corfu.

Turns out Columbian girl's car broke down and had to be taken to the shop until Tuesday so Co-Worker had to pick both her and Japan girl up. Then the boss decided to tag along. I was unaware the boss was coming until the last minute.

The dinner was lovely though. Japan girl made amazing food, loved every bite. We had wine, which I should have avoided... I feel sick today. I really don't get along with wine, especially white wine. Buuut I got 15 minutes alone, maybe 10, with Co-Worker in my studio. We seriously geeked out about all my craft supplies.

It was a little piece of heaven... just those 10 minutes of us talking was wonderful. The interesting thing is that there are moments at work where I'd jump him. Where I feel this strong attraction to kiss him or grab him. That feeling wasn't there last night. It was simply two friends talking about art. There was no flirting at all. It was a slightly foreign sensation, but good.

At the dinner table we were talking about how we work, whether we were workaholics or not. I mentioned that sometimes I felt that weekends were a bit of a nightmare because if I don't have something to do I go nutty. He took both my hands in his and held them from across the table and thanked me. He found a person who understands how he feels. On that topic though we talked about ADD and ADHD and he said that he's learning to love the "build-up" of life. He said that most people rush to a goal and want to get that goal over with, instead he savors the path to the goal. I kept mumbling foreplay in English but no-one understood me. I mentioned it again to Columbia girl and again she didn't understand and finally I blurted it out in the local language and Columbia girl got it. Co-worker was too busy talking about his feelings and didn't hear our little side note. She giggled and said, "you're right, I guess that can be applied to all facets of life".

It sort of explains his behavior with me though, doesn't it? It was an interesting piece of information.

The evening ended with me cleaning up, and them heading out just after 11:30 and he drove the girls home. We texted a bit on Whatsapp as he drove home and once he was in bed. I joked when I mentioned that I wanted to keep him in my basement to talk about arts and crafts. He didn't respond... rather, it got lost among other messages. Who knows if he even understood it.

Oh... there was one other interesting comment that struck me. Japanese girl made dumplings and hand made the dough. The dough was rolled out onto sheets in little circles ready for filling and set on separate trays. It was Co-worker and I's job to separate all the little dough circles, they'd gotten stuck together in the heat. So as I was taking my tray off his, I said "let's separate" and his answer was "I'm not married I don't have to separate". Just an odd comment.

musical stalking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about a stalker I had as a pre-teen. He was this guy who was a bit older than me who would sit across the street from my place and just watch my window. To be honest I was flattered and liked the attention. I knew he wasn't dangerous or I'd have been more careful. He would whistle when he was around and I'd come to the window.

In my new place I have a concert violinist that lives across the street from me. There's a big building directly across from me and it's hard to tell which floor this violinist is on. I have always been around musicians and I don't know how, but I could tell this one was a guy, a younger guy. But I really couldn't figure out what floor he was on. I wanted to see him.

So the other day, I could hear him playing, I was waiting for the bf who had gone to grab something from the car, I was standing outside my apartment building, and I was staring up at the floors trying to understand where the gorgeous music was coming from. The music stops, as it often does, temporarily, and I hear a whistle. I look off down the street and the bf is coming. Bf often whistles to me, but this... wasn't his whistle. It was the violinist. I look up, shield my eyes from the glaring sun and see the torso and shoulders of a young man in a white t-shirt in a window on the 4th floor and then he moves away from the window.

It reminded me of my stalker, the whistle, the windows... the spying.... now I keep an eye on his window, but haven't caught him again yet.

More Sexy Secretary talk.

So Co-Worker at work the other day mentioned me looking like a secretary again, asking where my glasses and red lipstick were. He left and came back and said "you know that movie?" I was obviously right on top of that one. We talked about the movie a bit, how it was such a great film and how Meg Gyllenhaal was incredible in that. I talked about how I'd bought the film on DVD in India thinking that I could watch it at home... but when I got it home it was censored and all chopped up and how disappointed I was about it.

Last night, I was having difficulty falling asleep so I started thinking about him and I in the store room. It started with passionate kissing, neck biting and him pulling me into his body to feel his hard cock beneath his khakis. Grinding into me, pressing, and then his hands move to my shoulders and push me down to my knees as he undoes his button and I help with his zipper. He grabs my head and just plunges his cock deep into my throat without hesitating. Thrusting letting me up for air and then back down again until he comes shortly after, warm and salty down my throat. I cough a little not expecting it, and come back up. We right ourselves and I walk out of the store room talking to him about work, about colours and asking his opinion about something, smiling slightly, knowing what just happened.

Needless to say I came to that 'daydream', it was night but I wasn't sleeping. I let myself drift hoping I'd fall asleep, but when, after 15 minutes I was still wide awake I picked up my phone to check whatsapp and found that he was active only 2 minues before. I texted him "The Secretary" he replies "U are!" and my response was "I wish". He just sent me a wide eyed emoticon. He got the picture. that's all I wanted. We talked randomly about various topics including a mosquito in his room and how to kill it. Half an hour later we're back on the topic. He asks me when I'll wear my glasses, I continue by naming the red lipstick and he sends me an emoticon with Xs for eyes.

I kinda got the impression during our business trip together that he was the dominant type. This whole things is starting to pull together. It's hot. Too bad I don't wear lipstick in public. I've been contemplating doing the whole getup for work one day. Going in with glasses and red lipstick. Or maybe I should just do the getup at home and take a selfie for him. I have to wait though, my glasses are at the shop getting fixed....

The secret to good sex.

The secret to good sex is fucking the other person like you want to make yourself cum.

It has nothing to do with getting the other person to cum. Men, I'm talking to you (and women too). Having sex to get a woman to cum is only going to go so far but fucking a woman to get yourself off is by far sexier than anything else I can think of.

The whole point of sex is using. Loving and using... but mostly using. There can be different types of sentiment behind the using I guess: there's sweeter, loving using and just plain bashing using. Either way if you think you're goal is to get her/him to cum, it's not. Be selfish, fighting for that orgasm is where the real passion is. The way I see it, it's that struggle of dominance, one partner over the other, that really defines passion.

weird

Yeah, things have been weird.
First of all it's crazy hot. It was 37° C today and I feel like I'm melting. It's unusual for this time of the year and storms are coming tomorrow to cool us all off.

I'm not sure if the heat is responsible or what, but I've been in a weird state for the past three days.
No I know full well it's not just the heat. I had some tough times due to an untimely conversation with Rob. I don't want to drag it out here now, but it's sorted. I feel 99% better. There is still some little part of me that knows we are coming to some kind of conclusion in our relationship. I don't want anything to end, but sooner or later we have to stop meeting up. I just feel terrified at the idea that we might cut our friendship off too. We've decided that we're meeting in October for the last time. Whether we actually stick to that is to be seen but we have made that decision. It's just weird is all. knowing we won't meet up again.

Things with the bf are weird too. I don't know really how to describe it. We went on holiday and argued the last few days. We've been arguing a lot recently, maybe he's on edge, maybe I am too... who knows.

We went to a festival in the village where he works. It's a fair distance from town. We stopped in at his work place. I hadn't been there yet. There was this girl sitting outside, in front of the shop next door and she grinned at him and joked with him. She was cute, simple, short dyed red hair glasses, slim, looked a bit like me but younger.

Later we bump into her with her boyfriend, this big burley guy with a beard. They sit down behind us and the bf starts gossiping about her, worse than a woman. He tells me she has the hots for the guy he works with, she spends all her time in their shop... and so on.

Fact is at the festival he said he's never going to sleep at my house again. I'm not sure if he's being serious or not... but it was a strange thing to say. I told him that I sleep better when he's not there (which is true, he snores). I got a pang of jealousy though and I wondered if there was someone else.

venting

It's just an overall bad day. Time to vent.
Nothing overly bad... nothing drastic or serious. Just one of those days where at the end you're glad it's over... and in reality it feels like it's not going to be any better tomorrow (though it probably will).

I woke up and had a lesson on a Sunday morning. That's already starting the day on the wrong foot. I had moved it from Saturday to make room for a fairly nice boat trip with friends. It wasn't a bad lesson but my student is stressed about a conference in English and has to prepare a speech.

I skyped with my dad which was lovely. I hadn't talked to him in ages so that was a highlight. My dad and his wife are coming to see me and have been planning this trip for a couple years. We were supposed to meet up in Paris originally but things have changed a little and they are coming to stay with me as well as go to paris. Fact is that I've been asking the bf since they started planning this if he wanted to join us in Paris and he has never given me a definitive answer. He has never expressed any sentiment in regards to the trip. He has always said "dunno" or "it's too far off to decide" or any other excuse he can think up. He has never said anything to the effect of 'I'd like to but I can't afford it, can we work around my budget' or 'I'd love to but I need to see what happens with work'. It's always just been very cold answers.

Today I asked him again. He got all defensive and again refused to answer even when pressed. Turns out he's offended because we didn't consider him enough in our conversation. My mistake was that I told my dad I was going before consulting him. He's also offended because my dad didn't think to ask (this time round) what his plans were for those dates.

I was in tears by the end of it, from the frustration. It's impossible to get anywhere in conversation with him sometimes. He accused me of never consulting him on invitations, but always accepting regardless if he can come or not... It depends on the situation but often it's true. I don't see the harm in it. I generally tell the person "I can likely come but let me see if bf can" and then I check with the bf. Am I doing it all wrong?

To top the whole evening off my outer window shutters got stuck and kinda broke so I'll be waking up at dawn because there's no way to shut the light out now.

How do you handle shit like this?

Those who have been reading long enough may remember a couple years back the bf and I were going through a period with his nephew and some major drug issues.

This time round it's the sister. She's tried to commit suicide, twice now. We didn't even hear about the first time, this time was worse. She almost succeeded this time. She cut her wrists and took 30 antidepressants with alcohol. Planned it all out.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? She's 18, beautiful, came in third in a beauty pageant. Smart, but dropped out of school like her brother. It's scary, it's worrying and it's very, very sad. I want to save her. I feel the need to talk sense into her, try to figure her out.

I think she's angry. I think she's angry at everyone around her wants to make them pay... it's a revenge thing isn't it? revenge or attention seeking?

It's just so upsetting.