Savage

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/

It's a 5 minute video on relationships. It makes me rethink what's going on with me. It makes me wonder if I've got too many 'pet peeves' on my list. I don't get what the fundamentals are. I get that chewing with your mouth open is superficial... as is the bf's annoying singing or leaving all the cupboards and drawers open all the time. I ignored those, even if sometimes it was hard to ignore...  especially the singing. But when in a group conversation, and the bf isn't making himself clear I ask him to clarify and he turns to me and says "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Jo"...  a group conversation where other people are participating, contributing and asking questions, he singles me out and excludes me from the conversation. It's not the first time he's done it either. 

We shouldn't be keeping score cards.... a common phrase I hear about relationships, but should I ignore it? should I say something in front of his friends? should I mention it after? I get that I'm not supposed to hold a grudge, but if something makes me angry and I can't talk about it right away what do I do, just pretend it didn't happen? Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe he was right to single me out. Maybe my saying that we didn't understand which objects he was talking about was totally out of line. Fact is it pissed me off. I found it totally disrespectful, but hey we're not supposed to keep score cards. Can't hold a grudge.

Nowadays when we're together we have nothing to talk about. There's uncomfortable silences. I don't own a tv (tv is a distraction, tv is a conversation topic). When he comes here he just sits. It's the same when we're in the car together, nothing. On holiday it's different we were doing things, talking about what to do, where to go, what to see. Most of what we say, of any importance is said over the phone now. In person, nothing is left. We have next to nothing in common.... so did I choose the wrong guy or am I just not trying hard enough to make the myth work?

Have I been brought up too deeply on the false belief in a soulmate? My ideals too unrealistic. My standards too impossibly high?

Maybe my mother contributed to this, always disagreeing with my choice in guys to date, always saying, "he's not intelligent enough" or "he'll never have a decent job".... maybe that got engrained and now I have to live with the idea that I need a super intelligent wholesome guy with a good job. 

This talk made me wonder about Rob too. I know that I idealise him. I know that I've fallen in love with a myth. But how disillusioned am I? How far am I off the marker? It all comes down to images and what mask we put forward. How we see ourselves and how others see us. 

I really, honestly wonder if being with someone else would make any difference. Maybe I've been in this too long and I can't see past the end of my nose.

This went a bit further than I was expecting, apologies for the (incoherent) rant... it's late, I needed to get some ideas out... without over editing myself.