Lollypop

HAPPY HNT everyone!

*click*

So I decided to go with John's suggestion this week. Only because he managed to answer in time that afternoon for me to use his suggestion. I will be saving other suggestions for next time.

I've also played a little game of hide and seek to make up for my absence. Can anyone find me?

Artistic urges and other types of urges

So an HNT is going up tomorrow (my thursday). I always get excited about HNT when I manage to find the time to get the pictures done.

I had the day free today, Bf was out all day. I woke up happy to be awake, which has been happening rather rarely these days. I've been having to get up too early and it's too cold and damp here to get out of bed. But today I woke up eagerly. I had dreamt about a large art project that I'm eager to start work on.

These artistic impulses are a funny thing though. If I don't act on them right away they wear off, the novelty wears off and I get tired of them. I really have a hard time getting back into a project I've started and left aside. And often I don't have the time or space to really concentrate on something till I finish it.

In any case I sat down and sketched it out. It is probably the third or fourth large size project that I have come up with in the past year. I haven't actually started work on any of them. But the ideas are all on paper so I won't forget them.

While I was working on that today I fondly thought about my mother who was an artist before she passed away prematurely from lung cancer (she never smoked a cigarette in her life).
I remembered how she used to mix her media together to create unique pieces of art. She had so many skills she didn't know how to put them all to use. I find that I have the same qualities as an artist. (without wanting to boast), I know a hundred different art techniques, and I love having had her influence to mix them together as most people wouldn't.
I wish she were alive so that I could tell her that.

Co-Worker
I have decided to really lay off Co-worker. I think it's for the best. I'm not sure whether he wants to flirt or not but I honestly don't really care anymore. He's so touch and go that I can't be bothered.... ok maybe I'm not that adamant on backing off, but I am trying to make a conscious effort.

I went to lunch with him and my other female co-worker and I asked them what they were up to this friday eve, there's a concert I want to go see. I know for sure that Co-worker likes the type of music the band plays. The girl co-worker said that she wasn't interested and he made some offhand comment about not liking them, but then he smiled and winked at me.

So who knows...

I give up.

I am going to the concert though, probably alone. We'll see how things roll that evening.

Rob
Rob and I were both home and horny yesterday afternoon (after I got the HNT pics done), except he had internet problems and he kept getting kicked off of Skype. It sucked the bucket... but I have to say It may well have been for the best because Bf got home very shortly after we tried talking.

BF
Bf surprised me the other day. I told him about the concert that I'd like to go see on Friday. He said, "let me know what you want to do, I'll come with you if you want me to, you can go on your own or with whoever you want to go with".
Before all of this happened he'd have reacted differently. He would have complained about me wanting to go. He'd have said that he didn't want to come and if I said I wanted to go on my own he'd have gotten huffy/angry even.

An Ex.
I have this weird urge to get in touch with my Ex.... I dated this guy before moving here, I was totally in love with him, we were engaged even, but then he cheated on me and I got angry and dumped him. He now lives in Norway, has a son and a wife, but he is having problems with his wife. I've heard he wants a divorce. What I've heard is all through a friend, so I don't actually know what's up. But he is an artist and I am curious about what he's doing and how he's doing it artistically. The urge has been strong, but I don't know if it would be a good idea.

Suggestions?

Ok so I have some time this afternoon to get some pics for HNT done. Except I'm a little short of ideas. Any ideas of what I should do?
I'll take into consideration any "tasteful" ideas and easily achievable ideas.

Planes, Trains of Thought and Dresses?

A quick note regarding the last post to begin with. The energies I was talking about were positive ones (this time) I wasn't clear in my post though. I just have a hard time harnessing all the sexual and amorous energy sometimes.... I realize that my need to get those out into the open with feedback are quite related to my own insecurities.

Bf
Last night I told bf that I had an appointment to see another apartment tomorrow. He calmly asked me if I was planning on pursuing that route, (this is the second apartment I'll be seeing on my own). When I said yes, he started to hum and haw and beat around the bush, but he said, quite nicely, that if I made that decision it wouldn't work for him, that he wouldn't be able to accept that.
The gist of the meaning (my version while reading between the lines) was that he would rather break up with me than live separately.
But then as the conversation wore on, (and he was the only one talking because of a welling up of emotion within him I imagine), he ultimately said that he wanted us to find an alternative, whether it be that we find a bigger apartment together where I have space to do what I need to do... or whatever else. He finished by saying that he will think about things and decide whether he can accept my terms as well.

My final comments were something along the lines of: me having to find my path. That I've taken on a daily routine that I don't really want to continue doing. Part of that is because I moved in with him when I was too young and therefore I didn't have my own rhythm to insert into the relationship. Or perhaps I should say that I have reached a routine with bf that I want to break and can't without something drastic.

I also told him that I haven't found the apartment and that I will not be making decisions tomorrow.
But I hope he has understood my determination... I'm terrible at being clear. But I really do think that this is the best solution. I can't see alternatives right now.

Rob
Rob cracks me up. After I got the song I put it on my ipod. I love it, it makes me smile and even laugh. And it irks him that I did that. heh... I love irking him, he now "regrets" having sent it to me, but it's just his own embarrassment talking.

Saturday night while I was having all those "energy problems" I ended up looking at flights for London. Yeah bad Cande... well prices were super low. They were like 50 Euros (if that) return trip between Feb and March. The sales for that airline end today so from tomorrow the prices will go up. I even found people willing to host me over in London, although I'm not sure how concrete those offers were, but still it made me jump at the bit.

I was really, really close to booking a flight. I even texted Rob asking him if he'd be willing to meet up with me. And he basically said "of course". Problem is it's best for the both of us to put it off to April, but prices are double for April. So I guess I'll just have to wait on it.

In the meantime Rob joked that he was going to quit cybering with me, and just wait til we can actually get together. But when I told him that it was a good substitute for him, he took it as a compliment and gave in to my begging. So we've set a play date for tomorrow. But who knows if it will happen...


Co-Worker
After my text to him I never did get an answer. But I did get a "happy halloween" text at 1am on Halloween night. It was written in English and it said "I will meet you into the night, happy halloween". The next morning I was tempted to just leave the text at that, not to write back, like he does with me. But I ended up giving in to my temptation and I wrote "did I bite you?".
I never got an answer from that either.

Monday I went in to work wearing a form fitting knit dress over leggings and boots. He asked/joked in front of everyone if I could please dress more appropriately for work. While my other co-worker woman defended me saying I looked nice, he just grumbled. He was kidding yet not. It's not the first time he's made a comment like that. These days it seems like my presence just bothers him in a certain sense. Like he gets angry at me for tempting him.

*Not me... looks like she's got shoulder problems or something.

 but the outfit is similar to the one I was wearing*

Energy and Emotions.

There are days when the energy inside is so strong; the emotions are so intense that you need to focus them somewhere. They can't just sit inside you. They can't just stagnate. They need release, they need to interact, they need feedback, they need to evolve. 

When I don't get that interaction, I often feel like I'm going to explode. Problem is that the energy and emotions seem to be people specific, I can't just aim that energy towards anyone or anything.

Maybe I need to learn to channel that energy into other things. Maybe I need to learn how to focus that energy in different ways. 

But then, couldn't it be a mix of insecurities that need reassurance? And if so, then how is it possible to harness those emotions to channel them? 

Heart Shaped Box

I am in love with him.
I have no doubts.
Does that change anything?
No... and Yes... It just means that I'll be aware of what feelings I have and I'll be better able to cope with them.

Between our conversation yesterday, and another brief conversation today things have been amazing.  The look on his face, was a sweet one. We were supposed to play but there was no time. As we were talking I could hear a guitar, he seemed to be bumping it with his fingers. I knew he played. I knew he sang a little too. He kept making noise with it, and when I asked him what it was, he kept saying it was the radio.

I got the feeling he wanted to play for me but either didn't have the time or perhaps the courage.

We had our conversation, but at the end my student arrived and as we were closing I asked him to send me a video of him playing. I was kidding but hoping he'd agree. And he said that he'd send me an audio file.

After my lesson I was busy organizing a DVD for a friend and I get a text message with two question marks "??" from him. Not understanding I texted him thinking that maybe he'd received one of my earlier messages late. So then I check my email and sure enough there was the file.

"Heart Shaped Box" by nirvana was in there, sung and played by him on the guitar. It was slow, sweet and only part of the song. He isn't a professional musician or singer, It's obvious, but he is in tune and does a pretty good job of it. It made me laugh simply because I know the song so well sung by Curt Cobain that it's strange to hear it sung with a british accent, and no-one has ever sung anything specifically for me before. It made me blush funnily.

I honestly loved it. The thought was all too sweet coming from him.

My head is in the clouds now... I keep grinning and can't stop.

What is Passion

Everyone grows up and everyone falls in love with someone at a certain age. They love that person of course, but then people change. Both parties change, that doesn't mean that you don't love that person or can't be passionate with that person, it's just that they fill different needs. And our own needs change too.

So we go looking for things elsewhere....

That's when we click sexually with another person. You've gone looking, you've cheated, and "love" hits you on the head without you expecting it because the passion is so intense, because passion doesn't exist without the love and emotion. If you take sex, and take the passion out of it you have pure sex which isn't half as interesting as when there's a connection.

What exactly is passion though?

Dictionary.com states:

-any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

-strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

-strong sexual desire; lust.

-an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

-a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

To be honest, I don't quite agree, although I understand why it has been worded this way. Passion is passion, Lust is lust. I wouldn't mix the two up. Lust in my opinion is a non amorous feeling of strong sexual desire towards someone similar to a drug addict's need for drugs, whereas passion is an amorous one.

How does this apply to me and what's going on?

ROB
Well I've recently talked to someone who said some things that have clarified what happened in Nottingham with Rob. I knew there were emotions involved, but I don't know how aware I was about what emotions were involved. And I think part of me was trying to avoid getting hurt and pushing those emotions aside to an extent. I didn't want to confront them

I have realized that there was lust and there still is. But passion definitely took over there. And I think too that love has a strong role in this. I was afraid to admit it. And by not admitting it, I risk being in an emotionally confused state over how I feel.

I talked to Rob about it this evening, it was a very very interesting conversation for me. I explained it to him, the understanding that I've come to. I asked him about his feelings on the situation and the first and most important thing that he said was that he isn't as emotionally involved as I am.

This did not scare me, it didn't even phase me really, although it was hard to know what to say in response. I did point out that it was important for me to understand that. He continued by specifying that what he meant was that he has "...more control over his emotions, and that doesn't mean that he feels less strongly...".

It is/was important for me to understand his position on things. I think I now have a better understanding of my feelings and a better understanding of his feelings.

I feel clearer and more at peace with things. I was in a constant state of turmoil (sometimes on the surface other times deeper down) about my feelings around him.