Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Planes, Trains of Thought and Dresses?

A quick note regarding the last post to begin with. The energies I was talking about were positive ones (this time) I wasn't clear in my post though. I just have a hard time harnessing all the sexual and amorous energy sometimes.... I realize that my need to get those out into the open with feedback are quite related to my own insecurities.

Last night I told bf that I had an appointment to see another apartment tomorrow. He calmly asked me if I was planning on pursuing that route, (this is the second apartment I'll be seeing on my own). When I said yes, he started to hum and haw and beat around the bush, but he said, quite nicely, that if I made that decision it wouldn't work for him, that he wouldn't be able to accept that.
The gist of the meaning (my version while reading between the lines) was that he would rather break up with me than live separately.
But then as the conversation wore on, (and he was the only one talking because of a welling up of emotion within him I imagine), he ultimately said that he wanted us to find an alternative, whether it be that we find a bigger apartment together where I have space to do what I need to do... or whatever else. He finished by saying that he will think about things and decide whether he can accept my terms as well.

My final comments were something along the lines of: me having to find my path. That I've taken on a daily routine that I don't really want to continue doing. Part of that is because I moved in with him when I was too young and therefore I didn't have my own rhythm to insert into the relationship. Or perhaps I should say that I have reached a routine with bf that I want to break and can't without something drastic.

I also told him that I haven't found the apartment and that I will not be making decisions tomorrow.
But I hope he has understood my determination... I'm terrible at being clear. But I really do think that this is the best solution. I can't see alternatives right now.

Rob cracks me up. After I got the song I put it on my ipod. I love it, it makes me smile and even laugh. And it irks him that I did that. heh... I love irking him, he now "regrets" having sent it to me, but it's just his own embarrassment talking.

Saturday night while I was having all those "energy problems" I ended up looking at flights for London. Yeah bad Cande... well prices were super low. They were like 50 Euros (if that) return trip between Feb and March. The sales for that airline end today so from tomorrow the prices will go up. I even found people willing to host me over in London, although I'm not sure how concrete those offers were, but still it made me jump at the bit.

I was really, really close to booking a flight. I even texted Rob asking him if he'd be willing to meet up with me. And he basically said "of course". Problem is it's best for the both of us to put it off to April, but prices are double for April. So I guess I'll just have to wait on it.

In the meantime Rob joked that he was going to quit cybering with me, and just wait til we can actually get together. But when I told him that it was a good substitute for him, he took it as a compliment and gave in to my begging. So we've set a play date for tomorrow. But who knows if it will happen...

After my text to him I never did get an answer. But I did get a "happy halloween" text at 1am on Halloween night. It was written in English and it said "I will meet you into the night, happy halloween". The next morning I was tempted to just leave the text at that, not to write back, like he does with me. But I ended up giving in to my temptation and I wrote "did I bite you?".
I never got an answer from that either.

Monday I went in to work wearing a form fitting knit dress over leggings and boots. He asked/joked in front of everyone if I could please dress more appropriately for work. While my other co-worker woman defended me saying I looked nice, he just grumbled. He was kidding yet not. It's not the first time he's made a comment like that. These days it seems like my presence just bothers him in a certain sense. Like he gets angry at me for tempting him.

*Not me... looks like she's got shoulder problems or something.
 but the outfit is similar to the one I was wearing*


Michael said...

well I know we wouldn't be angry if you tempted us. Way overdue for an HNT


Cande said...

Good point... I will make it a mission to get one up if not this week, next ;)

Ethan Lambert said...

Hmmm... give or take, you're about the same distance from Los Angeles to Vancouver? Maybe next time you've got a week off you can make a leisurely drive of it :-)

Anonymous said...

hey there, still toughing it out i see.
dont want to bug you but a HNT would be nice for us lonely travelers.

Well your getting there, you'll be out soon enough and wont have any reason to look back

remember: i'm an idiot and there is little point in reading anything into my comments.