What can I say has been going on... what interesting things?
Well, last week as I was having lunch alone, the travel agent got in touch with me. We got to talking about life in general, (his father recently passed away) but in reality he just wanted to talk dirty I think. We got to talking about latex somehow. And he ended up sending me the link to a video of three women in latex. I admit, I'd never wear latex. I think it would probably look terrible. But the idea turns me on... probably the fact that it's tight and shiny... and well... slutty...
Anyhow he ended up sending me a pic of his cock. That's how the conversation ended because then I had to go to work. Needless to say I was horny for the whole day.
Work with co-worker has been relatively normal. There's been less flirting than before Greece, I often get the feeling he's avoiding me. But then sometimes he'll just come right up to me and do something that he used to do a lot. Like stare me down as we walk past each other - eyes wide open like a zombie. Today he sat down next to me... really close, for no reason. He didn't even say anything to me. He doesn't touch me in the least bit as much as he used to. Every excuse was a good one, when we were walking past each other, no matter what, we'd touch, put a hand on an arm on the back, on the waist... now, that's gone. I miss that.
I have been wanting to tell him that he tempts me. I was almost going to send him a text today, but then didn't. Maybe next week. I've been fantasizing about sending him emails and texts telling him that I think about greece. Explaining what happened, why I was so distant. I feel like I need to explain things to him. But I don't want to ruin things for him, where he is now is a good place. I don't want to get in the way.
I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss Rob, I miss him, I miss him a lot... and he hasn't written me in so long I'm starting to worry. I need to lay off and see if he gets in touch with me at this point.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Answers to comments
Wow, I'm kinda surprised all of this has created so much attention. I rarely get more than a comment on my posts unless it's HNT.
One answer at a time.
Johanna:
You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.
Cheshire:
I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.
Eden:
I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.
Michael:
Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points. I will try to take your advice.
Advizor:
I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.
EVERYONE:
I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.
It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship.
One answer at a time.
Johanna:
You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.
Cheshire:
I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.
Eden:
I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.
Michael:
Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points. I will try to take your advice.
Advizor:
I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.
EVERYONE:
I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.
It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship.
Dear readers and commenters:
Ahh how I love my readers (and commenters). I feel your frustration... actually I probably feel it more than you all do. But in all honesty I can't just pack up and leave without explanation after 14 years of what especially he (but also I) considers to be an important relationship.
I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.
I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.
It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.
Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.
I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.
I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.
I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.
It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.
Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.
I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
How To?
So right... um I'm in one of those states where nothing makes sense and I want to fix everything and make things better.
I think I may have to go see that counsellor. I want to end things with bf but I don't want to just sit down at dinner one evening and say "honey, I'm leaving you".
I need to figure out the right way to do it.
I do have that urge sometimes though... I just want to get it over with.... do it and cut it all short.... But then other times I know that he has feelings and would be devastated by the news. So I need to figure out the right way to do this. The language is also a problem. In that it's easy for me to forget about tact, my feelings are not appropriately attached to this language sometimes.
When I said that co-worker thinks I should leave the country it's not really like he wants me to leave, but he gets the feeling that I'm not settled and that I'd have better opportunities elsewhere.... which is probably true. He also says that he's getting the feeling that I won't be staying on at work for much longer.... I don't know if that's wishful thinking or what.
I think I may have to go see that counsellor. I want to end things with bf but I don't want to just sit down at dinner one evening and say "honey, I'm leaving you".
I need to figure out the right way to do it.
I do have that urge sometimes though... I just want to get it over with.... do it and cut it all short.... But then other times I know that he has feelings and would be devastated by the news. So I need to figure out the right way to do this. The language is also a problem. In that it's easy for me to forget about tact, my feelings are not appropriately attached to this language sometimes.
When I said that co-worker thinks I should leave the country it's not really like he wants me to leave, but he gets the feeling that I'm not settled and that I'd have better opportunities elsewhere.... which is probably true. He also says that he's getting the feeling that I won't be staying on at work for much longer.... I don't know if that's wishful thinking or what.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Men are confusing.
I'm really confused. Men just don't make sense to me sometimes... Scratch that... Most of the time.
I had the best opportunity today to have lunch with co-worker and talk to him about stuff and he copped out. It kinda pissed me off, partially because I was in a pissy mood anyhow and partially because there's just so much I feel the need to clarify with him and never find the opportunity.
On the up side he did say a few things that hinted at more depth today. Most of which was centered on the fact that he doesn't think I should stay here, in this country. I'm not quite sure what he was really trying to get at. Half the time he asks me questions that I answer without really knowing what the hell he's talking about and then I kick myself for not asking him to clarify. Sometimes I feel like telling him to talk to me straight, but I never do.
He's moved into a new house with his gf. I don't know what to think about that.
On the other hand I saw Blackbeard today and slyly managed to get both his private and work email. I think he was a little surprised since he hesitated and then outright asked me if it was for work. I'll never use it, I did send him some work info this eve but haven't heard back yet.
As for Rob, I have heard very little from him. I've been dreaming about him and wanting him a lot these days. I miss him terribly. I ache for his contact, it's quite literally painful at times.
I had the best opportunity today to have lunch with co-worker and talk to him about stuff and he copped out. It kinda pissed me off, partially because I was in a pissy mood anyhow and partially because there's just so much I feel the need to clarify with him and never find the opportunity.
On the up side he did say a few things that hinted at more depth today. Most of which was centered on the fact that he doesn't think I should stay here, in this country. I'm not quite sure what he was really trying to get at. Half the time he asks me questions that I answer without really knowing what the hell he's talking about and then I kick myself for not asking him to clarify. Sometimes I feel like telling him to talk to me straight, but I never do.
He's moved into a new house with his gf. I don't know what to think about that.
On the other hand I saw Blackbeard today and slyly managed to get both his private and work email. I think he was a little surprised since he hesitated and then outright asked me if it was for work. I'll never use it, I did send him some work info this eve but haven't heard back yet.
As for Rob, I have heard very little from him. I've been dreaming about him and wanting him a lot these days. I miss him terribly. I ache for his contact, it's quite literally painful at times.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
So much
I've been wanting to get back to this blog for so long I don't even know where to start....
After getting back from the North America tour I worked intensely (without co-worker) for a week and then my sister came to visit for a whole week. Next week I will be working intensely again with co-worker...
I've had a great time with my sis, but I have also been aching for some contact from Rob. I have gotten back in touch with a my best friend from home and this time round we've been talking intensely about sex and online lovers. And she has recently started her own online affair of sorts and therefore we've been talking a lot about our sex lives in general. She even asked me specific questions about communication styles between Rob and I, so I ended up re-reading texts and emails and Skype conversations. I went over the stuff from London and with all that, I admit I was feeling a little high.
It's such a relief to have someone that I can actually talk to about this. It's been so long that I've actually had a physical person other than Rob to talk to about all of this.
Problem is that since I've been talking about it all for the past few days... well week I guess, I feel totally ready for some action... and it's just frustrating because there is none! Not from ANY angle... whether bf or Rob or Co-worker... so yeah, I'm a little horny to say the least.
On a completely separate note.....I am very very sad to say that it seems that Johanna has decided to leave us. I tried so very hard to convince her to stay. But she says her blog may have reached a natural conclusion... I am still hoping she doesn't leave completely.
It's so sad when I see the birth and death of blogs... I get attached to them, the people who write them and then I have to learn to let go.
I'm looking forward to Monday with co-worker.... hopefully I'll get to see him. They're doing construction at our workplace so we're working between two studios and yeah it's going to be kinda hectic, we might end up working in separate places. grr... that would suck.
After getting back from the North America tour I worked intensely (without co-worker) for a week and then my sister came to visit for a whole week. Next week I will be working intensely again with co-worker...
I've had a great time with my sis, but I have also been aching for some contact from Rob. I have gotten back in touch with a my best friend from home and this time round we've been talking intensely about sex and online lovers. And she has recently started her own online affair of sorts and therefore we've been talking a lot about our sex lives in general. She even asked me specific questions about communication styles between Rob and I, so I ended up re-reading texts and emails and Skype conversations. I went over the stuff from London and with all that, I admit I was feeling a little high.
It's such a relief to have someone that I can actually talk to about this. It's been so long that I've actually had a physical person other than Rob to talk to about all of this.
Problem is that since I've been talking about it all for the past few days... well week I guess, I feel totally ready for some action... and it's just frustrating because there is none! Not from ANY angle... whether bf or Rob or Co-worker... so yeah, I'm a little horny to say the least.
On a completely separate note.....I am very very sad to say that it seems that Johanna has decided to leave us. I tried so very hard to convince her to stay. But she says her blog may have reached a natural conclusion... I am still hoping she doesn't leave completely.
It's so sad when I see the birth and death of blogs... I get attached to them, the people who write them and then I have to learn to let go.
I'm looking forward to Monday with co-worker.... hopefully I'll get to see him. They're doing construction at our workplace so we're working between two studios and yeah it's going to be kinda hectic, we might end up working in separate places. grr... that would suck.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Blackbeard's story
I am, to put it lightly, exhausted. As soon as I got back from the great NA trip I started work. The day after I had lessons, the day after that I went in to work, and after the weekend I started working full time (I normally work part time) plus lessons after work.
I have not had time to do anything except pass out at 9:30 in the evening if I make it that late, since I'm jet lagged, and wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am, again due to jet lag.
There are two positive things that I get out of all of this. My work studio has moved temporarily to a location right in town which is closer to home, therefore a shorter bike ride to work in the morning (not that it was that long to begin with). And secondly I get to see someone that I've mentioned a few times in the past relatively often now. He is a guy who works in the same field as me and is super cute. He is married with one kid, and I just found out he has another on the way.
I mentioned him a while back because I would ride past him on my way to work on occasion and never recognize him, he always recognizes me since he is always changing his facial hair.
So anyhow, this guy, who we might as well name (although I'm sure I'll forget what I named him and I'll end up renaming him something completely different down the line) let's call him, Blackbeard, works near where my temporary studio is. And I've seen him and talked to him a couple times this week already. It's kinda since every time I see him he says hi. But he also has this habit of actually stopping to talk. So as I was coming back from the supermarket after lunch yesterday since I had a craving for Lindt 85% chocolate, and as I walked towards him I held the package out (with my mouth full) offering him some. He gladly took some (lots) approving greatly of my choice and asked if I wanted some rum.... ok so it was afternoon, but just barely, and the work day wasn't over yet. I kindly refused, but asked why he'd offered, and apparently rum and chocolate go well together.
After all of this, I must say that I get tongue tied in front of cute guys, I really can't function properly. And I ended up saying "I'll have to find that" rather than "I'll have to try that".... poor me. I wish I could be cool and calm and exude sexiness and confidence... but that's not the case.
That's the end of a pretty useless story.... I know. It's kinda boring. But I do have this to say in my defence: this is my blog and I can write what I want.... ok no, what I'd really like to say is that I wonder if he will become a more prominent figure in my daily life. I guess I'm hoping he will.
I have not had time to do anything except pass out at 9:30 in the evening if I make it that late, since I'm jet lagged, and wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am, again due to jet lag.
There are two positive things that I get out of all of this. My work studio has moved temporarily to a location right in town which is closer to home, therefore a shorter bike ride to work in the morning (not that it was that long to begin with). And secondly I get to see someone that I've mentioned a few times in the past relatively often now. He is a guy who works in the same field as me and is super cute. He is married with one kid, and I just found out he has another on the way.
I mentioned him a while back because I would ride past him on my way to work on occasion and never recognize him, he always recognizes me since he is always changing his facial hair.
So anyhow, this guy, who we might as well name (although I'm sure I'll forget what I named him and I'll end up renaming him something completely different down the line) let's call him, Blackbeard, works near where my temporary studio is. And I've seen him and talked to him a couple times this week already. It's kinda since every time I see him he says hi. But he also has this habit of actually stopping to talk. So as I was coming back from the supermarket after lunch yesterday since I had a craving for Lindt 85% chocolate, and as I walked towards him I held the package out (with my mouth full) offering him some. He gladly took some (lots) approving greatly of my choice and asked if I wanted some rum.... ok so it was afternoon, but just barely, and the work day wasn't over yet. I kindly refused, but asked why he'd offered, and apparently rum and chocolate go well together.
After all of this, I must say that I get tongue tied in front of cute guys, I really can't function properly. And I ended up saying "I'll have to find that" rather than "I'll have to try that".... poor me. I wish I could be cool and calm and exude sexiness and confidence... but that's not the case.
That's the end of a pretty useless story.... I know. It's kinda boring. But I do have this to say in my defence: this is my blog and I can write what I want.... ok no, what I'd really like to say is that I wonder if he will become a more prominent figure in my daily life. I guess I'm hoping he will.
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