Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear readers and commenters:

Ahh how I love my readers (and commenters). I feel your frustration... actually I probably feel it more than you all do. But in all honesty I can't just pack up and leave without explanation after 14 years of what especially he (but also I) considers to be an important relationship.

I am in a tight spot too, I've strained my foot to the point that I can't walk. I'll be in this state for at least a week, probably more. And next week bf's mother and sister are coming because they've found a nodule in his mother's glands.

I understand that I need to get out. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the right choice. But to be honest I still need to figure out WHERE I'm going to go. I technically have a friend whose house has been empty for a while and I could offer her part of the rent to stay there until they can switch the rental lease over to me. But I don't actually know if the house is still available I have to check with her.

It's not as easy as many of you make it out to be. The logistics are not simple here.

Week after next I am mostly free of work and anything else, Bf's mother will be gone too so that is what I am aiming for.

I will be updating as per usual about whatever crosses my mind.... mostly boys. Just hang in there.


Johanna said...

Ahh... and I completely get your frustration and anxiety too! I've been a bit absent here, partly because of a lapse from the blogger world, partly because... I simply have no useful advice. Whenever and whereever you bring this up it will be painful, and after that it will continue to be painful for quite some time.

The issue of where you're going is important... for your own sake, I suppose it helps if you already have it figured out when you start talking.

I'm trying to imagine how I would handle the actual Conversation, if I had to do something similar... I think I'd do it in bed. In an intimate setting, anyway (but not talking about sex now, obviously). I'd want to be able to talk in a low voice, with as little risk of interuption as possible. I'd want it to be a conversation where I could also tell him how much he's meant to me. I might even give little hints earlier in the day, something like "We really need to talk, will you please stay awake/be home/make some time tonight?".

I wouldn't make plans to move out after just one conversation, but who knows, maybe that's the way it happens? I have no experience with this sort of thing.

The fact that you're living very far from your original "home" must be an added complication. Where do you feel that you belong? Would you have moved to the place where you live now, and stayed there, if it weren't for bf? Will you stay on now? Luckily, you won't have to decide right away.

I don't envy you... I'll be thinking of you. (But in some sense, I do envy you... as much as I love my husband and kids, I also loved living on my own, ages ago, and I miss it a lot.)

cheshirecat said...

Excuses, excuses. Find somewhere else to live, a hotel even if you have to. Better to do it while his family is there to support him I say.

Lisa (Tantra Flower) said...

Hi Cande. I haven't been able to keep up with my favorite blogs so I do not know everything that is going on, but I do know how difficult it is to get out of a bad relationship. It's scary and you've invested so much. Physically, it really is just as easy as it sounds -- though moving is a pain, it's not that big of a deal. The emotional and mental aspects are what's so hard. You can do it though. I'll be thinking about you. XO

Eden said...

Hi Cande,

Like CheshireCat, back in the day I used to read this blog with a tad of frustration. But I've no longer been frustrated for the simple reason being that it's not my situation and the outcome is not going to affect me. But I still like to comment. If this situation still did frustrate/annoy me to the point it frustrates CheshireCat, I simply wouldn't read this blog anymore. But I do read it. One thing it does is remind me that we are not all alike and won't make the same decisions if put in the same situation.

But let's be honest: you won't leave. You'll stay. You always find a reason to hang on. If I were to try my hand at analysing things, I'd say you've gotten used to having boyf around, the bickering and balancing all those things with your secret online life. At times I wonder if the contrast between homelife and secret online play heightens the thrill of escapism for you. Maybe you need boyfriend, because by losing him online play wouldn't need to be secretive (and perhaps not so fun) anymore. Or on the flipside it'd become too important to you. Who knows, could be many reasons adn even things there that you just haven't blogged about.

Anyway, this blog is your outlet and I don't think it needs telling that you should blog about you want. I'm just saying that I'm sure I'll read about you and boyfriend as an item for a very long time yet. Not a dig or a frustration, just my thoughts.

Michael said...

mmm ... I'm much less pessimistic about where you're "at" than Cheshire or Eden. I think you have made progress, first in (finally) making the decision. Implementing it is, of course, a whole other thing. I agree with you that it will and should take time. Let's make a plan with some sort of timeframe. Ease bf into what's coming at first, then make the progression faster until it finally happens ... but be firm


Advizor54 said...

(rrrrgh there are days when I hate blogger - it just ate my comment)

To summarize:
It's not going to be easy
In fact it will be hard
After 14 years, he's not the BF, he's the husband
You need a divorce, just no paperwork
You need a plan with steps you can take before the breakup.
Your "other" relationships will all change (you thrill at cheating, they thrill that you are taken, it will feel different when you are a free woman)
Breaking up is still the right thing to do IMHO, and your's too.
Start something, anything, this week.
While you are hobbled, make phone calls, check rents, do something.

Not a short summary, but my first version was more lyrical...