One answer at a time.
You and I are very similar in the head. We think in the same way and I basically agree with your whole comment. As for your questions about where home is and how I feel about it, it's all very complicated and I myself don't really know. I would like to stay here for a while longer. I feel quite at home in this town and I have a support group of friends which is excellent. I love my friends here. Sure, they are friends with bf as well, but that shouldn't be a problem if I do things right with the "separation". I do, though, think that eventually this is not the place for me. I think that moving to another country might make more sense for me. Italy is a pretty stagnant country and I want to get out before it's too late.
I can't afford to stay in a hotel really, they are extremely expensive here. Remember that I'm not in an abusive relationship, I just don't feel happy enough in it. I don't feel the need to "run away". But I do realize that the sooner the better. I don't feel comfortable breeching the subject with bf while his family is here. I'd rather do it when we're on our own and can really talk without worrying about other people around.
I beg to differ. I don't think that I'll stay. I think, and hope that I'll find the strength to leave. I am used to him being around, I have figured out how to balance things, online play has greatly reduced in the past two years, even with Rob. And it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be. Admittedly though if I were free... I'd have many more opportunities to travel, meet people and perhaps explore more sexually.
Thanks, I would tend to agree with you, I do realise though that Cheshire and Eden both have very valid points. I will try to take your advice.
I hate it when Blogger does that!!
I will also take your advice. Being a gimp doesn't mean that I can't get things done. I will try to find out whether the apartment is still free. I'll try working out the logistics of moving. I don't have my own car so it will be complicated unless bf offers to lend me the car for the move. I don't want to ruin a friendship with bf, I do like him as a person. I'd rather though, not live with him. I need more space.
I am pretty confident that I will manage the break... but I will never promise anyone that I will leave him. I want to approach bf with it and see what happens from there. As my sister told me, even if he tries to convince me to stay, it's probably for the best that I let him go so that we can both benefit. But I'm not pretending to know my future, I'm not going to try to convince anyone that I'm actually going to manage in my endeavors. I'm just going to try my best and see how things go. I've never ever been totally sure of what to do. At the moment though, I feel more determined than ever, and therefore I feel comfortable saying that this is what I want. But that doesn't mean that I'll manage.
It's hard to make the jump from what I'd call an average relationship (because that's what I think it is) to the unknown. I sometimes wonder if my expectations in relationships are too high. My mother died a lonely woman, and I'd rather not end up in that situation. On the other hand, artists (as I sometimes manage to consider myself) are a bit moody and difficult and we need our spaces. So..... give me two weeks... not next week, the week after that is my free week. If by the 17th I haven't had the break-up conversation, then you can all judge the situation and drop the blog call me a coward or whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you that you are right and that I've failed. I will also not talk about leaving bf on the blog, but I will make honest efforts to be happy in the relationship.