It seems like every year around this time my life fills with shit. This year I have a slew of things.
Let's start with my boss who is a freak and doesn't know how to organize her work, she doesn't give a shit about work and everyone in her wake is affected.
Then there's the bf who is generally a good person but on occasion he lets a phrase fly and I get angry and I wonder if it's me who's too sensitive or if he was just being an asshole.
Back home I have some property, turns out the main water line sprung it's third leak in 3 years so we have to change the whole line. It's gonna cost me $4500 to get that done, but that's not all... nooooo, it can't be all. The chimney is pulling away from the house so we have to get someone in to look at that. Rebuilding the chimney is going to cost a butt load of money. Fingers crossed we don't have to do that.
My uncle: he was diagnosed with the same cancer my mother had, I spoke about this in a previous post. Turns out my only contact from home who is in touch with him on a regular basis hasn't heard from him in a while. When we tried to get in touch with someone else about it they said that his physical health is doing quite well but morally he's very down. This is also due to the fact that ANOTHER great uncle of mine just passed and one is in hospital. I barely knew either men. My family is quickly dwindling though and it affects me whether I want it to or not.
The Bf's niece was in a mental institute, they thought she had some kind of personality disorder, turns out she's on some kind of heavy drug like crack or heroin yet she won't admit it to anyone. They've got her on Methadone. She started coming to see me because she wants to do some crafts to sell at a local market. I was helping her out for a couple weeks, but in the middle of it all she left home (she's twenty but lives with her parents and brother) to live with what we assume is her current boyfriend. We're worried she's going to relapse. Her parent's won't talk to anyone about what's "really" going on so we're all pretending like we don't know. Tomorrow she has the fair so we'll see if she show's up with the crafts and with her boyfriend, he's supposedly helping out.
I wanted to go out last weekend. I called a couple friends but no-one was free. It was depressing. Not having grown up in the area I often feel like I lack a real network of friends. I feel like I need to make some new ones but as a busy adult how does that even work?
Enough bitching... back to life.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
The Age Gap.
I was recently saddened and perplexed by a situation that arose in one of my English classes. With one of my groups I was doing a reading exercise and the articles happened to be about love. One of the questions in the book was "do you believe in love at first sight?". I went around the room asking the question to all my students. It's a group of women, most of which are between the ages of 40 and 50 with the exception of one man who is in his 80s. When I got to him he flushed red, looked at his hands and said yes. The questions about love continued and he spoke up about relationship problems and how language can be one of them.
At the end of the lesson he lingered waiting for me to get my jacket on, and we walked out together, he brought up an experience he'd had on a recent holiday. He'd been to Slovenia with an organized tour and he met this woman who he fell madly in love with. He deeply regretted not having given her his address when she had asked for it. She apparently wanted to send him postcards.
I asked no questions, he told me everything on his own accord. He is married and didn't want his wife to find out which is why he didn't give her the address. As it turns out the girl was 20 years old and he was fantasizing about the lost opportunity of running off to meet her after receiving one of her postcards..
It was such a sad thing to see for a couple reasons. One is the fact that he felt that he'd missed an important opportunity. He was deeply upset by the events and wished he could turn back time. Secondly he spoke of his wife as if she didn't exist. Those were his words "It's as if she weren't there". The loneliness that he exuded was very sad. Then there's the fact that my 80yr old student thought that a 20yr old girl would be interested in him.
I don't understand this last thing. This is why I am perplexed. It's mostly a thing that happens to older men. I'm sure it must happen to older women too but I don't see it happening to them all that often. It's blatant with older men though. Where I live, there are constantly stories of older frail and lonely men who need 24/7 care so the family hires a young caregiver. He generally falls in love with her shortly after. The woman is rarely local to this country but they are generally Albanian, Romanian or Ukrainian women and there's often a disaster with either him giving her everything in the will or the fact that they get married or that she asks him for money in secret or some such thing. This generally leaves the family in a difficult situation about money and there is often no legal solution for them. Now I'm generalizing here. It's something that doesn't happen with all the foreign caregivers and there are many who are very good at what they do. But I do have first hand experience with more than one of these situations so I have seen it for myself.
How is it that men get themselves into these situations though? Am I wrong in thinking that a 20yr old wouldn't generally be attracted to an 80yr old? Whatever the gender may be? Would you not have SOME doubts about the legitimacy of the attraction?
At the end of the lesson he lingered waiting for me to get my jacket on, and we walked out together, he brought up an experience he'd had on a recent holiday. He'd been to Slovenia with an organized tour and he met this woman who he fell madly in love with. He deeply regretted not having given her his address when she had asked for it. She apparently wanted to send him postcards.
I asked no questions, he told me everything on his own accord. He is married and didn't want his wife to find out which is why he didn't give her the address. As it turns out the girl was 20 years old and he was fantasizing about the lost opportunity of running off to meet her after receiving one of her postcards..
It was such a sad thing to see for a couple reasons. One is the fact that he felt that he'd missed an important opportunity. He was deeply upset by the events and wished he could turn back time. Secondly he spoke of his wife as if she didn't exist. Those were his words "It's as if she weren't there". The loneliness that he exuded was very sad. Then there's the fact that my 80yr old student thought that a 20yr old girl would be interested in him.
I don't understand this last thing. This is why I am perplexed. It's mostly a thing that happens to older men. I'm sure it must happen to older women too but I don't see it happening to them all that often. It's blatant with older men though. Where I live, there are constantly stories of older frail and lonely men who need 24/7 care so the family hires a young caregiver. He generally falls in love with her shortly after. The woman is rarely local to this country but they are generally Albanian, Romanian or Ukrainian women and there's often a disaster with either him giving her everything in the will or the fact that they get married or that she asks him for money in secret or some such thing. This generally leaves the family in a difficult situation about money and there is often no legal solution for them. Now I'm generalizing here. It's something that doesn't happen with all the foreign caregivers and there are many who are very good at what they do. But I do have first hand experience with more than one of these situations so I have seen it for myself.
How is it that men get themselves into these situations though? Am I wrong in thinking that a 20yr old wouldn't generally be attracted to an 80yr old? Whatever the gender may be? Would you not have SOME doubts about the legitimacy of the attraction?
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Hairstyles for sex... and every day.
I happened to read N. Likes' post on Ponytail height and it got me thinking.
I was thinking about whether it had any truth to it. Fact of the matter is it kinda does but not always.
When I get dressed in the morning, if I have the time, I go slow and meticulously organize every aspect of how I look, from the clothes to the accessories. I'm not the type of girl who obsesses about it mind you, but I do spend a little time planning things out. This is often why I have to pack for holidays weeks in advance. Hair is one thing that I don't plan for ahead of time though. It's something that I deal with based on various factors, some of which include (in no particular order): weather conditions, time available, how I'm feeling sentimentally and sexual arousal and what clothes I'm wearing and lastly headache factor.
First of all I want to point out that 99 % of the time I don't have time to organize my hair so I just do what comes naturally in the moment. Secondly I can't bear to have my hair in any one specific 'up do' for more than a few hours, it hurts and I get bored of hairstyles very quickly. I will change my hair, up or down, probably about 15 times a day, no exaggeration. However if I have a special evening or event I will 'do' my hair and I put a lot of thought into it.
Ponytail up high is generally reserved for tight clothing or a tight fitting dress. I don't often wear my hair in a high tight ponytail because my hair is long, heavy and after about 2 hours I have a headache. I will also tend to wear my hair in a high pony tail if I'm very turned on and I want to look like a dominatrix or if I want to boost my confidence.
Low ponytail: I rarely wear my hair in a low ponytail. I find the elastic slips out with movement and it just doesn't last very long. Plus I prefer other types of hairstyles.
Messy ponytail: this works great if I'm in a hurry and I want to look unkempt. It's a look I love because it's cute and easy. It does however give off the impression of little time, and yes that also means you aren't paying attention to how you look as much as a polished hairstyle. It can however be elaborately orchestrated to look messy when in reality it took a lot of time and effort.
My personal preferences are a messy top knot/ bun, I keep it relatively high up on my head depending on the day or a braid. I have a small arsenal of different braids I use, most of which are side braids and a little messy, great for windy days and travelling. I also use french braids.
Sexually speaking both top knots and braids are great for pulling. They give guys something to grab, like a ponytail but easier I think. No stray hairs to worry about gathering up. Just grab and pull. No fear.
I was thinking about whether it had any truth to it. Fact of the matter is it kinda does but not always.
When I get dressed in the morning, if I have the time, I go slow and meticulously organize every aspect of how I look, from the clothes to the accessories. I'm not the type of girl who obsesses about it mind you, but I do spend a little time planning things out. This is often why I have to pack for holidays weeks in advance. Hair is one thing that I don't plan for ahead of time though. It's something that I deal with based on various factors, some of which include (in no particular order): weather conditions, time available, how I'm feeling sentimentally and sexual arousal and what clothes I'm wearing and lastly headache factor.
First of all I want to point out that 99 % of the time I don't have time to organize my hair so I just do what comes naturally in the moment. Secondly I can't bear to have my hair in any one specific 'up do' for more than a few hours, it hurts and I get bored of hairstyles very quickly. I will change my hair, up or down, probably about 15 times a day, no exaggeration. However if I have a special evening or event I will 'do' my hair and I put a lot of thought into it.
Ponytail up high is generally reserved for tight clothing or a tight fitting dress. I don't often wear my hair in a high tight ponytail because my hair is long, heavy and after about 2 hours I have a headache. I will also tend to wear my hair in a high pony tail if I'm very turned on and I want to look like a dominatrix or if I want to boost my confidence.
Low ponytail: I rarely wear my hair in a low ponytail. I find the elastic slips out with movement and it just doesn't last very long. Plus I prefer other types of hairstyles.
Messy ponytail: this works great if I'm in a hurry and I want to look unkempt. It's a look I love because it's cute and easy. It does however give off the impression of little time, and yes that also means you aren't paying attention to how you look as much as a polished hairstyle. It can however be elaborately orchestrated to look messy when in reality it took a lot of time and effort.
My personal preferences are a messy top knot/ bun, I keep it relatively high up on my head depending on the day or a braid. I have a small arsenal of different braids I use, most of which are side braids and a little messy, great for windy days and travelling. I also use french braids.
Sexually speaking both top knots and braids are great for pulling. They give guys something to grab, like a ponytail but easier I think. No stray hairs to worry about gathering up. Just grab and pull. No fear.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Purple People Eater
I'd like a little space to rant. You can skip this post if you want to avoid hearing me moan about how frustrating I find people.
I'm running so, so low on patience.
1) I do not have patience for women who make snide comments about me to my face, in front of friends. I can't stand those comments that seem like innocent, funny pokes but are, in reality, envy or some other shit. I've been hearing the same Goddammned snide remarks for years from women who are supposed to be my friends.
2) when I organize a party I want people to actually have the courtesy to let me know if they decide NOT to come after they said they were coming.
3) when organizing a party I would like people to tell me how many guests they are bringing.... Before the party starts.
4) when organizing a party, if it is a costume party I would suggest you wear a costume, I don't really want to be the only fucking adult with makeup on... Next time I'll make you all wear garbage bags.
5) if you are in a class learning English with a group of other adults, please have the courtesy to let other people speak too.
6) if I tell a student something, it's because I know the answer. If I don't, I'll tell you that I don't know. I don't make shit up. If you are at an English lesson, you are a student and chances are I know what I'm talking about and you haven't got a clue. Don't challenge every fucking thing I say please.
7) to my boss who proudly stated she did the same lesson that I do but in half the time, fuck you. You forgot that it normally takes us an hour and a half to do ice breaker presentations which you DIDN'T do before starting your lesson. No shit it took you half the time.
______________________
Having said all that I have to say that I hosted a Halloween party and I always really enjoy Halloween, I love dressing up and I love organizing big parties. I enjoyed my party but I really need to find better people to invite. I love my friends but they are just frickin' boring at this sort of thing.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Back Inside Me
The day I was flying over I was a nervous wreck. In fact the whole week before I flew over I was a wreck, I was barely able to eat. It was the anticipation of having to lie to the Bf, hoping he wouldn't ask me certain questions, praying he wouldn't keep me company at the airport as I queued for my check in at the airport.
Once I said goodbye to the bf in the airport parking lot I felt a weight lift from my shoulders but I still had a 5 hours or so before seeing Rob. He was going to pick me up at the airport.
I texted him from Belgium, yes I had a stopover in Belgium. He texted me right back, thank god. I was afraid the text wouldn't work or that something random would happen and I'd end up at Birmingham airport with nowhere to go.
When I finally landed it was pouring rain and I was stuck in a window seat next to two elderly ladies at the very back of the plane who wouldn't get out of their seats. When the plane was completely empty I finally figured out that they were waiting for wheelchairs. The hostess looked at me in surprise and told me to hurry because everyone was waiting for me (hey thanks for helping me out there lady, coulda' said something to the elderly ladies, or coulda' had me sit somewhere else since there were seats free). I ran off the plane into the pouring rain to find the bus full of people staring at me angrily. Niiice.
I got into the building and ran through the maze to get to customs and baggage claim, and was lucky enough to find the lines for the non EU passports to be very short. I got to baggage claim early and my bag was one of the first off so I rushed out to find Rob standing there, leaning on the railing.
We hugged, he took one of my bags and we walked over to the hotel. We had booked an apartment in Worcester but couldn't get the extra night there so we opted for a hotel at the airport since I was getting in rather late. It was basic but nice. We were both quite on edge. I was probably more worked up than him, at least he didn't let on that he was too worked up. We took off our shoes and I took off my wet sweater and we both crawled onto the bed.
I desperately needed a shower. I had worked that morning, plus the long trip. It would also help me relax a little. But first we just rested. I lay in his arms, head on his shoulder just taking in his warmth. He smelled as he always smells. It's that deodorant he uses. Whenever I smell it, it brings me right back to him. It's crazy how strong of a flashback scents can give us.
We stayed like that for a while, until our hands started to wander and it was getting harder to control ourselves. I just walked away, I had to. I jumped in the shower.
I jumped on top of him once I was out and clean. We kissed, I grinded my wet pussy down on his jeans, I undid his trousers and belt and just slid him inside me. It was that simple. We both moaned in pleasure at the penetration. It was a welcome sensation to have him back inside me. It was our first night. It wasn't rough. It was mostly slow and sensual. He went slow, very slow. He slid in and out so slowly I was basically begging him to ease back in. I spent most of that time in total ecstasy. To the point I was barely aware of what was going on. It was one of the few times I let myself go that far.
He came on my face, I asked him to.
I had to take another shower, and wash my hair.
Once I said goodbye to the bf in the airport parking lot I felt a weight lift from my shoulders but I still had a 5 hours or so before seeing Rob. He was going to pick me up at the airport.
I texted him from Belgium, yes I had a stopover in Belgium. He texted me right back, thank god. I was afraid the text wouldn't work or that something random would happen and I'd end up at Birmingham airport with nowhere to go.
When I finally landed it was pouring rain and I was stuck in a window seat next to two elderly ladies at the very back of the plane who wouldn't get out of their seats. When the plane was completely empty I finally figured out that they were waiting for wheelchairs. The hostess looked at me in surprise and told me to hurry because everyone was waiting for me (hey thanks for helping me out there lady, coulda' said something to the elderly ladies, or coulda' had me sit somewhere else since there were seats free). I ran off the plane into the pouring rain to find the bus full of people staring at me angrily. Niiice.
I got into the building and ran through the maze to get to customs and baggage claim, and was lucky enough to find the lines for the non EU passports to be very short. I got to baggage claim early and my bag was one of the first off so I rushed out to find Rob standing there, leaning on the railing.
We hugged, he took one of my bags and we walked over to the hotel. We had booked an apartment in Worcester but couldn't get the extra night there so we opted for a hotel at the airport since I was getting in rather late. It was basic but nice. We were both quite on edge. I was probably more worked up than him, at least he didn't let on that he was too worked up. We took off our shoes and I took off my wet sweater and we both crawled onto the bed.
I desperately needed a shower. I had worked that morning, plus the long trip. It would also help me relax a little. But first we just rested. I lay in his arms, head on his shoulder just taking in his warmth. He smelled as he always smells. It's that deodorant he uses. Whenever I smell it, it brings me right back to him. It's crazy how strong of a flashback scents can give us.
We stayed like that for a while, until our hands started to wander and it was getting harder to control ourselves. I just walked away, I had to. I jumped in the shower.
I jumped on top of him once I was out and clean. We kissed, I grinded my wet pussy down on his jeans, I undid his trousers and belt and just slid him inside me. It was that simple. We both moaned in pleasure at the penetration. It was a welcome sensation to have him back inside me. It was our first night. It wasn't rough. It was mostly slow and sensual. He went slow, very slow. He slid in and out so slowly I was basically begging him to ease back in. I spent most of that time in total ecstasy. To the point I was barely aware of what was going on. It was one of the few times I let myself go that far.
He came on my face, I asked him to.
I had to take another shower, and wash my hair.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
On Gagging and Rough Sex
There's a point when gagging on cock, when choking, if held long enough, that your body just accepts what's happening.
It goes through a few phases. It starts with salivation, wanting the cock in front of you, pussy wet and tingling. Licking and sucking at a comfortable depth, hand working hard, slathering and getting everything wet. Then the first few attempts at going deeper. My body doesn't accept those first attempts, I go deep, come up for air, go deeper, come up for air, deeper yet again and I cough. It's like my body is going through a very contradictory motion of utterly wanting yet refusing something. There's no forcing the body really.
This time though, Rob held my head down. I would gag, convulse, but he just pushed me further down, and this is when I realized that there's a point when the body just accepts it. I stop breathing, but I'm not holding my breath. It's that I physically can't breath through my nose or mouth. The muscles in my jaw, neck, shoulders and eyes all relax to the point of almost going limp and his cock slides down my throat. It's a truly incredible sensation. I've never experienced it before. I think I may have come close to getting all 7 inches of him down my throat.
This was our last time. I was badgering him for attention. He'd been solitary watching tv on the sofa and I was getting bored, I wanted anything, conversation, sex, games, anything would have quenched my boredom, as long as it was him to quench it. I admitted my thirst for attention and we decided on sex. It was a decision. We went through the alternatives and this was the best one. It was rough, in the bedroom (because, yes, we had sex in other places), he got me to my knees and pushed his cock into my mouth. Once he was done with my mouth, he stood me up, bent me over at a 90° angle, he yanked down my leggings, pulled my panties roughly off and whispered "are you wet?"
"What do you think?" I answered and he pushed himself roughly into me. He spanked me and gave me red hand prints on my ass. He pounded me hard, I admit it hurt a little, but he just kept going, he asked me if it hurt and I said yes, but he just kept going. He had me from behind, hand on the back of my neck pushing me hard into the bed as he smacked into me. He slowed down a little when, while my head was turned to the side, he grabbed my throat. He gripped it hard, to the point I felt like I was breathing at a 10th of my normal capacity. He asked if it was too much, I wheezed a no, and the grip got tighter until I had to mouth the airy words "ok, now."
He whispered obscenities in my ear and fucked me hard. I came with his fingers in my mouth as he uttered "are you going to cum, you little slut?".
He pulled out, laid me on my back and knelt next to my face. He looked down at me as I fingered myself, "I'm going to get myself off again" I said and then asked him where he wanted to cum. He said "on your face, in your mouth mostly. The first one to cum pays for dinner." He worked his cock over my mouth, balls bobbing up and down into my mouth. I would reach out with my tongue and take them in. The sensation of a very full mouth and just having had an orgasm, being totally wet and knowing he was going to cum soon made me cum again. As I came I proudly exclaimed "I'm buying" and he looked temporarily confused then, the 'Oh' look on his face as he came too.
It goes through a few phases. It starts with salivation, wanting the cock in front of you, pussy wet and tingling. Licking and sucking at a comfortable depth, hand working hard, slathering and getting everything wet. Then the first few attempts at going deeper. My body doesn't accept those first attempts, I go deep, come up for air, go deeper, come up for air, deeper yet again and I cough. It's like my body is going through a very contradictory motion of utterly wanting yet refusing something. There's no forcing the body really.
This time though, Rob held my head down. I would gag, convulse, but he just pushed me further down, and this is when I realized that there's a point when the body just accepts it. I stop breathing, but I'm not holding my breath. It's that I physically can't breath through my nose or mouth. The muscles in my jaw, neck, shoulders and eyes all relax to the point of almost going limp and his cock slides down my throat. It's a truly incredible sensation. I've never experienced it before. I think I may have come close to getting all 7 inches of him down my throat.
This was our last time. I was badgering him for attention. He'd been solitary watching tv on the sofa and I was getting bored, I wanted anything, conversation, sex, games, anything would have quenched my boredom, as long as it was him to quench it. I admitted my thirst for attention and we decided on sex. It was a decision. We went through the alternatives and this was the best one. It was rough, in the bedroom (because, yes, we had sex in other places), he got me to my knees and pushed his cock into my mouth. Once he was done with my mouth, he stood me up, bent me over at a 90° angle, he yanked down my leggings, pulled my panties roughly off and whispered "are you wet?"
"What do you think?" I answered and he pushed himself roughly into me. He spanked me and gave me red hand prints on my ass. He pounded me hard, I admit it hurt a little, but he just kept going, he asked me if it hurt and I said yes, but he just kept going. He had me from behind, hand on the back of my neck pushing me hard into the bed as he smacked into me. He slowed down a little when, while my head was turned to the side, he grabbed my throat. He gripped it hard, to the point I felt like I was breathing at a 10th of my normal capacity. He asked if it was too much, I wheezed a no, and the grip got tighter until I had to mouth the airy words "ok, now."
He whispered obscenities in my ear and fucked me hard. I came with his fingers in my mouth as he uttered "are you going to cum, you little slut?".
He pulled out, laid me on my back and knelt next to my face. He looked down at me as I fingered myself, "I'm going to get myself off again" I said and then asked him where he wanted to cum. He said "on your face, in your mouth mostly. The first one to cum pays for dinner." He worked his cock over my mouth, balls bobbing up and down into my mouth. I would reach out with my tongue and take them in. The sensation of a very full mouth and just having had an orgasm, being totally wet and knowing he was going to cum soon made me cum again. As I came I proudly exclaimed "I'm buying" and he looked temporarily confused then, the 'Oh' look on his face as he came too.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Before I leave
It's Saturday. Are you nervous?
I am. My stomach is in knots. I'm anxious and flustered. I feel like I'll never be quite perfect enough. I feel inadequate. I'm extremely aware of all my defects. Every little imperfection becomes huge.
I'm excited though. I'm looking forward to it. That's why I'm obsessing I guess.
I am. My stomach is in knots. I'm anxious and flustered. I feel like I'll never be quite perfect enough. I feel inadequate. I'm extremely aware of all my defects. Every little imperfection becomes huge.
I'm excited though. I'm looking forward to it. That's why I'm obsessing I guess.
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