Friday, April 27, 2012


I'm home. I got home yesterday afternoon. It's my birthday today and things are good and strange but I don't really care.

The trip was amazing. I'm not surprised that it went really well. I came back a different person.

There are so many things to say and tell, yet I'm not sure how to go about doing it because I still feel like I'm in the middle of it.
Things don't just stop when I leave, there is residue and whiplash and all sorts of things. But I'm surprisingly calm this time. I was a wreck last time when I got back. This time I'm taking everything rather well.
I get the impression though that Rob isn't taking things quite as well as me and I think I know why but I'm not going into that right now.

We had amazing sex and the connection was really strong, stronger than last time I think, at least for me.

I think that emotionally I'm more stable this time because I know exactly how I feel now and why. I was however so anxious in the days before meeting up that I could barely eat or function. During our meeting I was anxious about what would happen after. But now that "after" has come I feel calm and accepting of everything.

I still have doubts and worries but I know that in any case I will be able to accept them since I have accepted my feelings for him.

I posted a while back that I was in love with him. And having admitted that to myself has only just simplified things for me. The trip amplified and confirmed those feelings. Most of my anxiety around him is gone thankfully because of it.

I fear though that he has had a hard time with our meeting in the days after and perhaps even during... he also confessed that he was feeling down in an email to me this morning. In my response to him I said that I thought I was feeling calmer because I had come to terms with my feelings around him. So in a certain sense I've admitted it to him. We've talked about it before and I'm pretty certain he already had his suspicions.

I'm concerned that my feelings will worry him more though and cause things to get disrupted. Thing is, I don't think it should change anything. I stated it in the "Heart Shaped Box" post mentioned above. I don't plan on demanding anything more from him than what I already have and what we've had in the past. If he wants to change things I think I can live with whatever change he needs. I don't want to lose him, but I also feel calm enough (now) to say that I want what's best for him and would hate to see him suffer because of me. He asked me if we could make this meeting the last one. I said that I couldn't answer yet. I haven't answered yet but I think I'll leave that decision up to him.

I will probably post a few things I wrote while in London. Experiences together and yes sex. I will take the time to write them up this weekend.


Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday, glad you had a good time in London, hoping all the things you have to think about will come to the sort of ending you can accept and be happy with!

OsShirt said...

Well, heck... Missed the birthday. Hope it was a great one for you!

And welcome home! Looking forward to hearing more about things!