"Close Your Eyes"

When I close my eyes, in the heat of my moments I remember instants, images and intense sensations of him. Most of them involve his cock in my mouth. Maybe because that's what turns me on right now and I crave it intensely some days.

He straddled my chest, arms close to my body, pinned next to me, while his cock slid in and out of my mouth. His hand gripped my neck, tightly, but just right. Barely able to breath, but getting breaths in as he pulled out, gasping like when coming up out of water, hungry for air hungry for more of his cock. Not sure which I want more.

On another occasion we moved to the floor, between the tv and the armchair. I was kneeling, he asked me if I wanted a pillow to kneel on but I refused it, regretting it later and grabbing one off the armchair. It was just a booster really, he's tall. He fucked my mouth while standing. Holding my hair in a ponytail pulling me back and forth onto himself.

He held my face in place with one hand while he worked his cock with the other, and he quietly said "close your eyes".
He came on my face on two separate occasions this visit, I asked him to. On other visits I hadn't closed my eyes and I could watch him and know what to expect. Closing my eyes was a different sensation completely. The unknown, the surprise, and everything is heightened. Sounds, smells and the temperature of his cum was amplified.

He came on my freshly shaved pussy once too.... that was one of my personal favourites. It was on the bed, missionary I guess, or maybe some contortion of it. I didn't stop circling my clit for one second while his cum shot all over my hand and pussy, making it slick and wet as it dripped down between my legs.

There were times we played around. I would bite his cock hard to see how much he could handle, often he wanted it harder than I was prepared to give him. A bit like when he gripped my neck and a tendon moved unexpectedly under his thumb and it wigged him out. It's fun pushing the limits, seeing how far the other will go. You learn a lot about character and hidden desires.
I'm still not sure we're anywhere near learning what there is to know about each other's sexual preferences or kinks, but we're closer.

I still remember the first time we met up, how I knew we could go further, how we could get closer to understanding. To be honest on the one hand it seems like we've come miles but on the other it seems like it's only a drop in the sea. 

The last morning

April 28th

The thing I think back on most is the look in his eyes, especially that last morning.

He was leaving early so he had set the alarm on his phone. The night before had been frustrating for me because he had kept the TV on and was keeping his distance from me. I felt the need for him to be close. I was missing the intimacy on that last night. But I respected his need for distance and kept mine as well.

I had taken my fibro meds and they were forcing my eyes closed but I kept reaching a hand out even during that night to touch him and pulling back unsure of whether he would accept it. Silly of me really. I'm sure now that I should have. 

The next morning I woke up on my own just before his alarm went off. I had a shower and slipped into a pair of turquoise panties and my white stripes shirt. When I came out of the shower he smiled and said an enthusiastic “Hello!” which was too cute for me to resist and I jumped back on the bed. I buried my head in his shoulder, kissed it and wrapped my leg around his thighs.

His hands caressed my legs and even commented on my unshaven state (lol), and then he guided me over his hard cock.

We took things really slowly that morning. He left me in control. His hands would wander over my neck and face, his thumb caressing my lips, parting them ever so slightly. His eyes steadily fixed on mine.

My hands were pulling at his cock, trying to free it from his boxers and once free I rubbed it up and down my pussy covered in the thin fabric of my turquoise panties. I would tease, pressing the head of his cock against my clit, rubbing it back and forth, all in what seemed to be slow motion.

I slipped a finger under the hem of my underwear and pulled them aside and teased the tip of his cock with my wetness and then eased him in.

At some point there was a comment for me to stop staring at him, my reply being “you're the one staring at me”, with a little smile.

He was laying on his side and part of that time his face was half hidden behind the bulk of his pillow, all I could see was that one steely eye searing a hole into me, my heart, soul and memory.

I think I eased myself on top of him for a while until he flipped me onto my back and fucked me. As he came, I tilted my head back to watch him. His head up, eyes tightly closed mouth open and then he looked down at me briefly before he pulled out and came all over my tummy.
That morning, through the whole event he never once took his eyes off mine, except to cum.

As we said our goodbyes that morning standing outside the hotel front doors on that street near the bullring, right across from Chinatown where we had eaten the night before. He told me not to be too sad. I said that I’d try but I was trying hard already to hold back my tears.

"Want to try something new?"

He asked me if I wanted to try something new. I nodded eagerly not exactly knowing what to expect. He said that he was going to go down on me. It was something he mentioned wanting to do before I even left Italy. He had also said that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

He looked me in the eyes and said “but you have to keep your eyes on me, you have to watch me”.

He went down kissing my thighs on his way. He didn’t touch me once with his hands. He skillfully eased his tongue between my lips, lapping slowly at my clit. His chin came to rest at the opening of my slippery hole and he worked.

He never once took his eyes off mine. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look, those eyes.

I must have been close to orgasm because he shook his finger at me, I couldn’t understand.  I held off though. Things get blurry after that. I must have been in quite the state. I know that he slipped a finger into me and I must have had an orgasm cause I remember him still between my legs when I closed my knees on his neck and I even rolled, dragging him with me. I think I even might have hurt him or come close to it. It was comical now that I think back, but then and there I barely noticed what was going on.

Then I was laying on my back and he on his side, our legs intertwined and his cock deep inside me and he was watching me. I came hard again, this time one of my more typical orgasms. It was so strong it brought me close to tears. He brought his hand to my throat as I came. First just a caress, but then a slightly stronger grip. I’ve never felt it before but I enjoyed the thrill of it. He would get this gleam in his eyes when he did that.


April 24th

This is something I wrote just after we left the hotel. I was at the train station waiting for my train back to London, he was driving back home.

I love you too

Me: your email cracked me up
Rob: yeah? you thought it was funny?
Me: yup *grinning*
Rob: So I guess we've declared our love for each other...
Me: yeah I guess so
Rob: but I don't want to talk about it because I'm embarrassed... *half jokingly*
Me: you're almost worse than I am with expressing your feelings
Rob: no-ooh *taunting me in my own "no" giving tone*
but it's not a bad thing, apart from it being forbidden, it wouldn't have lasted this long if were weren't in love.
Me: yeah you're right.
Rob: the sex was good though wasn't it?
Me: yeah, very. I keep having to...
Rob: I keep wanking
Me: ...get myself off.
*laughs from both of us*


The rest of the conversation was chitchat about how we enjoyed ourselves in Birmingham.

The email I refer to is one that he sent after I hinted at coming to terms with my feelings for him. I never really could accept them. Now that I have, I feel calm and safe. I have no anxiety or fears around him as I usually do.

Fact was that he caught on to my hint and after saying that he was confused about my feelings for him he just answered "I love you too" without any round about way of saying things, no explanations nothing. Straight and to the point. Just like him I guess.
I on the other hand, when I got that email, wrote a page back explaining why I was feeling so calm and at ease with my feelings, how I had had a hard time in the past accepting them and so on and so forth.

He never wrote back, but I knew that it just meant he was accepting it. No need to comment on it. The Skype call did confirm it though and I find myself smiling or daydreaming about him at inappropriate moments of my days. Recalling his eyes, his body, his cock, his accent, his smile, his rough hands and his "I love you" in the email.

Confirmation

I'm home. I got home yesterday afternoon. It's my birthday today and things are good and strange but I don't really care.

The trip was amazing. I'm not surprised that it went really well. I came back a different person.

There are so many things to say and tell, yet I'm not sure how to go about doing it because I still feel like I'm in the middle of it.
Things don't just stop when I leave, there is residue and whiplash and all sorts of things. But I'm surprisingly calm this time. I was a wreck last time when I got back. This time I'm taking everything rather well.
I get the impression though that Rob isn't taking things quite as well as me and I think I know why but I'm not going into that right now.

We had amazing sex and the connection was really strong, stronger than last time I think, at least for me.

I think that emotionally I'm more stable this time because I know exactly how I feel now and why. I was however so anxious in the days before meeting up that I could barely eat or function. During our meeting I was anxious about what would happen after. But now that "after" has come I feel calm and accepting of everything.

I still have doubts and worries but I know that in any case I will be able to accept them since I have accepted my feelings for him.

I posted a while back that I was in love with him. And having admitted that to myself has only just simplified things for me. The trip amplified and confirmed those feelings. Most of my anxiety around him is gone thankfully because of it.

I fear though that he has had a hard time with our meeting in the days after and perhaps even during... he also confessed that he was feeling down in an email to me this morning. In my response to him I said that I thought I was feeling calmer because I had come to terms with my feelings around him. So in a certain sense I've admitted it to him. We've talked about it before and I'm pretty certain he already had his suspicions.

I'm concerned that my feelings will worry him more though and cause things to get disrupted. Thing is, I don't think it should change anything. I stated it in the "Heart Shaped Box" post mentioned above. I don't plan on demanding anything more from him than what I already have and what we've had in the past. If he wants to change things I think I can live with whatever change he needs. I don't want to lose him, but I also feel calm enough (now) to say that I want what's best for him and would hate to see him suffer because of me. He asked me if we could make this meeting the last one. I said that I couldn't answer yet. I haven't answered yet but I think I'll leave that decision up to him.

I will probably post a few things I wrote while in London. Experiences together and yes sex. I will take the time to write them up this weekend.

Leaving for London!!

I leave tomorrow morning early.

My stomach is doing summersaults and we don't meet up for another 6 days.

I need distractions to keep me sane.

I'll post when I can.

Late night whispers

As my departure gets closer I seem to get hornier. I'm not sure if it's just because I halved the fibro medication which was making me so utterly tired and so tired I wasn't able to get aroused, or if it's because I haven't had sex in... 2 and a half months... wow now that I actually keep track of this stuff it's kinda scary. Crap... gotta do something about that pronto.

In two days I've had 4 orgasms. Only one was egged on by Rob last night. We were both heading to bed, but in the end we ended up with video and whispers late at night in the semi-darkness. His voice filtering through my headphones. The words "Jesus... that body" just sent me over the edge along with all the promises of kisses, neck biting, spanking, sucking... god I could easily go again.

The lights were out, the light of the television illuminating me. His face was perfectly framed by the iphone screen. I positioned the phone on the foot stool in front of me and I pulled my t-shirt over my head, ran my hand down into my pants twisted my nipples with the other and he groaned. I barely show him anything anymore. He rarely asks to see anything. He enjoys it when I do though, I can tell by the groans. But I think that the comment mentioned above got me so worked up because it was so absolutely genuine. Even after so long it surprises me that he still appreciates me the way he always has and he's not afraid to express it. There is something absolutely delectable about hearing him whisper into my ears.

I could see the expressions on his face as my breathing got faster. Maybe he was getting himself off, I have my suspicions, I love it though, I love it when he tries to hide it somehow, or at least he doesn't want to be obvious about it. I get to watch the expression on his face as he tries to hold off, tries to distract himself. If I'm not mistaken he came with me.

My mind wanders just to him, to scenarios when we meet. Two whole nights together will seem like a lifetime I think. I'm sure our connection will grow, will get stronger, will bind us together. The idea of it getting stronger makes me feel strange. On one hand it's what I want, I crave the connection more than just about anything else, on the other hand it scares me knowing that things will never be final and I'll still have a hole a void that will never be filled.

Trip Trip Trip

Me
I'm exhausted. I've been taking the fibro meds now for over two weeks and I feel worse than when I started. Maybe it's just one of those days. But today my mood is terrible and I just feel like I'm going to fall over if the wind blows me in the wrong direction.

I went to a public office to ask about funding for my (hypothetical) business and the whole thing got me in this mood. Or maybe it was Bf's participation that got me here. The meeting wasn't actually all that bad except that it confused me and I probably realized that the whole thing is much more complicated than I thought it was.
Whatever.... the funding exists but I have to go back in May, that's when they know how much money is available and for how many businesses.

Rob and a new Trip to LONDON
I'm booking my trip to London this week. I've been having a hard time with that too. Every time I try to book it, something comes up around the dates and I have to move the trip around. Whether it's BF complaining, my job, Rob going away or my friend in London going away or whatever... It's no-one's fault directly, it's just complicated.

So I've pretty much decided on the 17th of April. That's less than a month away. Rob and I will meet up for our 3rd time and possibly for a whole 2 days and nights this time. I smile every time I think about it. The fact that he was the one to suggest two days makes me swoon... ok maybe not swoon, but it makes me really happy. I'm really looking forward to it.

He said that we'll probably meet on the 22nd of April.

I have some mixed feelings about this trip. I'm not sure why. I haven't really dug down deep enough to understand why yet and I'm not sure I really want to. But the surface feeling that I keep pushing away is that perhaps (quite possibly) I'm getting into deeper waters, deeper than either of us might be able to handle. I don't want to think about it. I think, though, that the last meeting was also riddled with similar emotions, but the unknown was strongest. This time I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into so the mystery of "what's to come" isn't veiling all the other emotions.

Co-Worker
Co-W is one of the reasons my trip might have been moved. I talked to him today on the phone and it wasn't an easy conversation.
Let me start by saying that I wasn't calling him. I called the girl that I work with to ask her whether she would be around for those weeks. She was with Co-W and when she asked me where I was headed he piped up with "can I come?"... I shrugged off the comment without answering really. When I finally got him on the phone it turns out that he is heading off to do a job during the same period that I'll be away. That would leave the studio with 9 students to deal with possibly without me or him around. This could cause some difficulties.
In the end I got a bit frustrated with him because he couldn't pinpoint whether he would have to be away during that time or not and he ended up telling me to book it anyhow and he'll deal with things when they come round.
Truth be told I've been talking about this trip for over 6 months, and I have been saying it will be in Spring... so he acknowledged that and told me to do what I thought was best.

The morning

As time goes by things get put on the back burner.... kinda... I find myself thinking about Rob less, although still very often, just less than every second like while I was in London. It's more like every 5 minutes now. Work does keep me mostly busy.

On occasion I find myself stopping in mid sentence while explaining something to my students, because something caught my attention and reminded me. The strangest things will come to mind and make me laugh, like salt and vinegar chips. Rob went out late on Monday night at the hotel to have a smoke. I stayed up in the room but he asked if I wanted anything to munch on. He brought back two bags of salt and vinegar chips and a bag of cheese chips. We sat quietly and ate them while watching tv.

There were times in that room that we weren't having sex where we'd just sit and watch tv. He'd sit on the chair at the desk, I'd be sprawled on the bed. In other words we weren't constantly all over each other.

It was during those times that I'd observe him, watch him. I wasn't interested in the tv. I just wanted to watch him while he wouldn't notice.

Those were times when I felt like I should make moves, go to him and touch him, just drag him close to me. But I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I think that we probably needed to contrast the constant touching, sex and just overstimulation with that void. Perhaps it had to do with my fear of ruining the situation with overdoing things. Maybe I was just afraid of getting too close.

The void of not touching, not getting too close eased us into sleep as well. We slept close. But to be able to actually get any sleep I can't be touching a person I've never slept with. So I kept my distance, I needed to sleep at least a little. I don't remember who made the first move in the morning, it could have just been a random rolling over or something, but we ended up spooning. It was an amazing sensation, after not having touched for those few hours at night. I remember pulling his arm around me, around my waist. I could feel his body behind me, every move, every muscle, his slow breathing, his warmth. The sensation of his stiffening cock had me wet immediately. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave that day without having more of him. I'd have never forgiven myself if I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation.

We moved, perhaps he moved onto his back, I moved close to him, one leg over his, but I could feel him stiffen through his boxers. My hand slid under the covers, I caressed, and rubbed him through his boxers, until he opened one eye to look at me, to ask me what I was doing. I just smiled, didn't answer. Then I moved under the covers, straddling his legs, going down. I slipped his boxers off, and the question came again, "what are you doing?" in that accent I love. "Nothing, what do you think I'm doing?" I joked. And proceeded to take him in my mouth.

Just the simple sensation of the head of his cock moving past my lips was enough to make me cum. All I needed was a little stimulation really. I could suck him off for hours without ever getting bored... although he might. But he wanted to be inside me that morning, and I wasn't going to complain about that. I came up to face him, and straddling him I grabbed him from behind myself, slipped him in slowly, easily, all the way down the shaft, and I gasped, he groaned, and the sensation made me collapse towards him. He fucked me slowly in that position and then told me to ride him. I did, I rode him, upright, cowgirl, but I'm a weak girl with no muscles and ended up getting tired fast. He lifted me by my thighs, I kept my hands on the bedboard to ease the weight a little and he fucked me from below. There was a moment when his cock hit my g-spot and I just yelped. It was a sensation I'd never felt before meeting Rob. Bf has never hit it, I've never hit it on my own either. Rob is the only one who has ever found it, and his cock hits it perfectly.

I was basically incapable of moving after that, Rob moved his hand swiftly to my clit, pressing hard, flicking his thumb back and forth, pushing from inside me with his cock, I would go limp at each pulse. The next thing I knew he was joking around, and I was trying to get over what felt like three orgasms in a row. He said "look, watch this!", he put two fingers to his left temple, closed his eyes and made his cock pulse inside me, making me weak in rapid succession, I was laughing and in a state of ecstasy all at once.
He then asked me if I'd had enough. But my answer was "I'll never have enough". He lifted me off him. He moved around behind me, telling me quietly what to do, put your head down, guiding me with his hands. He slid himself back inside me from behind, my face planted flat on the bed. His hands gripping my wrists and my hips all at once. He pounded me hard and I had yet another orgasm,  I collapsed helplessly on the bed, I didn't have an inkling of strength, I lay there, eyes closed, panting, arms beneath me now. Feeling the bed vibrate as he moved around to my side, he was caressing my back, up and down, his nails just barely grazing my cool skin. I opened my eyes to see a calm, serene look on his face, relaxed, smiling, caring.

I rolled onto my side, propped myself up and after he may have told me to take it easy, I went back down to taste myself on him. Making myself gag on him, his hands pushing my head down as they'd done numerous times before. I went down, sucked his balls lightly into my mouth, something I'd never done before, so delicate, soft, fragile, yet resistent. Such an amazing sensation. He was getting close. This time it took minutely less than the other times. He warned me that he was going to cum, and he pressed my head down onto him, his hot cum filling the back of my throat. I haven't swallowed in years, and it was so much easier than I'd remembered. It was warm and tasted slightly bitter. I could taste him for ages after that. Right through to the next morning.

The rest of the morning consisted in us having breakfast and just lounging, perhaps both dreading the departure. I wrote about our departure before, but it was a fairly long wait, or it felt long. We went down and had a breakfast that made us both laugh, he managed to fill a teapot with a teabag and coffee and almost insisted on drinking it. We talked about what had happened, we talked about how we felt. He is so easy for me to talk to, he makes everything easy.

The rest of this story is somewhat of a repeat, I've mentioned it before but I can't finish this post without it.

When we returned to the room, we didn't know what to do. I finished packing my bag while he lay face down on the bed looking at the newspaper on the floor. I flopped myself onto the bed to look over his shoulder, reading and not reading, occasionally commenting. But soon we stopped. He just lay there, his face buried in the nook in his arm. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I got the feeling he was dreading going home, or maybe dreading waiting. I wanted to tell him to go when he wanted, that he didn't have to wait for me. He looked up at me, his eyes were shiny, but partially hidden behind his mass of blond eyelashes, he looked at me through them and said that he was worried he'd make himself sick with guilt in the following days.

I told him to hate me if it would be easier, but had to turn away, lay on my back to wipe the tears away.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to the train station. We hugged, half kissed, it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we just went our separate ways. Neither of us looked back. But the train ride into London was hard.

Electricity

I'm really happy with the order of things. Having met up with Rob at the beginning of this trip means that I have time to savour all my thoughts and feelings without worrying about being around Bf, without him asking me why I'm grinning or crying or writing.

The initial meeting with Rob at the station was very simple, smiles and hugs and then straight to the hotel. Check in was at 2:00pm and it was only 11am but I needed to drop my bag. We were lucky though, they managed to check us in immediately.

Once up in the room, Rob dropped onto the bed. After a few moments of indecision I lay down beside him, we talked for a second and then he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a kiss that was not really frantic, but we certainly didn't know what to do with each other. We were just pulling at one another wanting everything. We went for my neck, biting and sucking, just the thought makes my clit pulse. The sensation of him biting my neck sent waves of electricity through my body, neck to toes. He whispered that I tasted good, that my hair smelled nice, I must have mumbled something but honestly I was groaning.

What I wouldn't give to feel that again.