"Close Your Eyes"

When I close my eyes, in the heat of my moments I remember instants, images and intense sensations of him. Most of them involve his cock in my mouth. Maybe because that's what turns me on right now and I crave it intensely some days.

He straddled my chest, arms close to my body, pinned next to me, while his cock slid in and out of my mouth. His hand gripped my neck, tightly, but just right. Barely able to breath, but getting breaths in as he pulled out, gasping like when coming up out of water, hungry for air hungry for more of his cock. Not sure which I want more.

On another occasion we moved to the floor, between the tv and the armchair. I was kneeling, he asked me if I wanted a pillow to kneel on but I refused it, regretting it later and grabbing one off the armchair. It was just a booster really, he's tall. He fucked my mouth while standing. Holding my hair in a ponytail pulling me back and forth onto himself.

He held my face in place with one hand while he worked his cock with the other, and he quietly said "close your eyes".
He came on my face on two separate occasions this visit, I asked him to. On other visits I hadn't closed my eyes and I could watch him and know what to expect. Closing my eyes was a different sensation completely. The unknown, the surprise, and everything is heightened. Sounds, smells and the temperature of his cum was amplified.

He came on my freshly shaved pussy once too.... that was one of my personal favourites. It was on the bed, missionary I guess, or maybe some contortion of it. I didn't stop circling my clit for one second while his cum shot all over my hand and pussy, making it slick and wet as it dripped down between my legs.

There were times we played around. I would bite his cock hard to see how much he could handle, often he wanted it harder than I was prepared to give him. A bit like when he gripped my neck and a tendon moved unexpectedly under his thumb and it wigged him out. It's fun pushing the limits, seeing how far the other will go. You learn a lot about character and hidden desires.
I'm still not sure we're anywhere near learning what there is to know about each other's sexual preferences or kinks, but we're closer.

I still remember the first time we met up, how I knew we could go further, how we could get closer to understanding. To be honest on the one hand it seems like we've come miles but on the other it seems like it's only a drop in the sea. 

The last morning

April 28th

The thing I think back on most is the look in his eyes, especially that last morning.

He was leaving early so he had set the alarm on his phone. The night before had been frustrating for me because he had kept the TV on and was keeping his distance from me. I felt the need for him to be close. I was missing the intimacy on that last night. But I respected his need for distance and kept mine as well.

I had taken my fibro meds and they were forcing my eyes closed but I kept reaching a hand out even during that night to touch him and pulling back unsure of whether he would accept it. Silly of me really. I'm sure now that I should have. 

The next morning I woke up on my own just before his alarm went off. I had a shower and slipped into a pair of turquoise panties and my white stripes shirt. When I came out of the shower he smiled and said an enthusiastic “Hello!” which was too cute for me to resist and I jumped back on the bed. I buried my head in his shoulder, kissed it and wrapped my leg around his thighs.

His hands caressed my legs and even commented on my unshaven state (lol), and then he guided me over his hard cock.

We took things really slowly that morning. He left me in control. His hands would wander over my neck and face, his thumb caressing my lips, parting them ever so slightly. His eyes steadily fixed on mine.

My hands were pulling at his cock, trying to free it from his boxers and once free I rubbed it up and down my pussy covered in the thin fabric of my turquoise panties. I would tease, pressing the head of his cock against my clit, rubbing it back and forth, all in what seemed to be slow motion.

I slipped a finger under the hem of my underwear and pulled them aside and teased the tip of his cock with my wetness and then eased him in.

At some point there was a comment for me to stop staring at him, my reply being “you're the one staring at me”, with a little smile.

He was laying on his side and part of that time his face was half hidden behind the bulk of his pillow, all I could see was that one steely eye searing a hole into me, my heart, soul and memory.

I think I eased myself on top of him for a while until he flipped me onto my back and fucked me. As he came, I tilted my head back to watch him. His head up, eyes tightly closed mouth open and then he looked down at me briefly before he pulled out and came all over my tummy.
That morning, through the whole event he never once took his eyes off mine, except to cum.

As we said our goodbyes that morning standing outside the hotel front doors on that street near the bullring, right across from Chinatown where we had eaten the night before. He told me not to be too sad. I said that I’d try but I was trying hard already to hold back my tears.

"Want to try something new?"

He asked me if I wanted to try something new. I nodded eagerly not exactly knowing what to expect. He said that he was going to go down on me. It was something he mentioned wanting to do before I even left Italy. He had also said that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

He looked me in the eyes and said “but you have to keep your eyes on me, you have to watch me”.

He went down kissing my thighs on his way. He didn’t touch me once with his hands. He skillfully eased his tongue between my lips, lapping slowly at my clit. His chin came to rest at the opening of my slippery hole and he worked.

He never once took his eyes off mine. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look, those eyes.

I must have been close to orgasm because he shook his finger at me, I couldn’t understand.  I held off though. Things get blurry after that. I must have been in quite the state. I know that he slipped a finger into me and I must have had an orgasm cause I remember him still between my legs when I closed my knees on his neck and I even rolled, dragging him with me. I think I even might have hurt him or come close to it. It was comical now that I think back, but then and there I barely noticed what was going on.

Then I was laying on my back and he on his side, our legs intertwined and his cock deep inside me and he was watching me. I came hard again, this time one of my more typical orgasms. It was so strong it brought me close to tears. He brought his hand to my throat as I came. First just a caress, but then a slightly stronger grip. I’ve never felt it before but I enjoyed the thrill of it. He would get this gleam in his eyes when he did that.


April 24th

This is something I wrote just after we left the hotel. I was at the train station waiting for my train back to London, he was driving back home.

I love you too

Me: your email cracked me up
Rob: yeah? you thought it was funny?
Me: yup *grinning*
Rob: So I guess we've declared our love for each other...
Me: yeah I guess so
Rob: but I don't want to talk about it because I'm embarrassed... *half jokingly*
Me: you're almost worse than I am with expressing your feelings
Rob: no-ooh *taunting me in my own "no" giving tone*
but it's not a bad thing, apart from it being forbidden, it wouldn't have lasted this long if were weren't in love.
Me: yeah you're right.
Rob: the sex was good though wasn't it?
Me: yeah, very. I keep having to...
Rob: I keep wanking
Me: ...get myself off.
*laughs from both of us*


The rest of the conversation was chitchat about how we enjoyed ourselves in Birmingham.

The email I refer to is one that he sent after I hinted at coming to terms with my feelings for him. I never really could accept them. Now that I have, I feel calm and safe. I have no anxiety or fears around him as I usually do.

Fact was that he caught on to my hint and after saying that he was confused about my feelings for him he just answered "I love you too" without any round about way of saying things, no explanations nothing. Straight and to the point. Just like him I guess.
I on the other hand, when I got that email, wrote a page back explaining why I was feeling so calm and at ease with my feelings, how I had had a hard time in the past accepting them and so on and so forth.

He never wrote back, but I knew that it just meant he was accepting it. No need to comment on it. The Skype call did confirm it though and I find myself smiling or daydreaming about him at inappropriate moments of my days. Recalling his eyes, his body, his cock, his accent, his smile, his rough hands and his "I love you" in the email.

Confirmation

I'm home. I got home yesterday afternoon. It's my birthday today and things are good and strange but I don't really care.

The trip was amazing. I'm not surprised that it went really well. I came back a different person.

There are so many things to say and tell, yet I'm not sure how to go about doing it because I still feel like I'm in the middle of it.
Things don't just stop when I leave, there is residue and whiplash and all sorts of things. But I'm surprisingly calm this time. I was a wreck last time when I got back. This time I'm taking everything rather well.
I get the impression though that Rob isn't taking things quite as well as me and I think I know why but I'm not going into that right now.

We had amazing sex and the connection was really strong, stronger than last time I think, at least for me.

I think that emotionally I'm more stable this time because I know exactly how I feel now and why. I was however so anxious in the days before meeting up that I could barely eat or function. During our meeting I was anxious about what would happen after. But now that "after" has come I feel calm and accepting of everything.

I still have doubts and worries but I know that in any case I will be able to accept them since I have accepted my feelings for him.

I posted a while back that I was in love with him. And having admitted that to myself has only just simplified things for me. The trip amplified and confirmed those feelings. Most of my anxiety around him is gone thankfully because of it.

I fear though that he has had a hard time with our meeting in the days after and perhaps even during... he also confessed that he was feeling down in an email to me this morning. In my response to him I said that I thought I was feeling calmer because I had come to terms with my feelings around him. So in a certain sense I've admitted it to him. We've talked about it before and I'm pretty certain he already had his suspicions.

I'm concerned that my feelings will worry him more though and cause things to get disrupted. Thing is, I don't think it should change anything. I stated it in the "Heart Shaped Box" post mentioned above. I don't plan on demanding anything more from him than what I already have and what we've had in the past. If he wants to change things I think I can live with whatever change he needs. I don't want to lose him, but I also feel calm enough (now) to say that I want what's best for him and would hate to see him suffer because of me. He asked me if we could make this meeting the last one. I said that I couldn't answer yet. I haven't answered yet but I think I'll leave that decision up to him.

I will probably post a few things I wrote while in London. Experiences together and yes sex. I will take the time to write them up this weekend.

Leaving for London!!

I leave tomorrow morning early.

My stomach is doing summersaults and we don't meet up for another 6 days.

I need distractions to keep me sane.

I'll post when I can.

Late night whispers

As my departure gets closer I seem to get hornier. I'm not sure if it's just because I halved the fibro medication which was making me so utterly tired and so tired I wasn't able to get aroused, or if it's because I haven't had sex in... 2 and a half months... wow now that I actually keep track of this stuff it's kinda scary. Crap... gotta do something about that pronto.

In two days I've had 4 orgasms. Only one was egged on by Rob last night. We were both heading to bed, but in the end we ended up with video and whispers late at night in the semi-darkness. His voice filtering through my headphones. The words "Jesus... that body" just sent me over the edge along with all the promises of kisses, neck biting, spanking, sucking... god I could easily go again.

The lights were out, the light of the television illuminating me. His face was perfectly framed by the iphone screen. I positioned the phone on the foot stool in front of me and I pulled my t-shirt over my head, ran my hand down into my pants twisted my nipples with the other and he groaned. I barely show him anything anymore. He rarely asks to see anything. He enjoys it when I do though, I can tell by the groans. But I think that the comment mentioned above got me so worked up because it was so absolutely genuine. Even after so long it surprises me that he still appreciates me the way he always has and he's not afraid to express it. There is something absolutely delectable about hearing him whisper into my ears.

I could see the expressions on his face as my breathing got faster. Maybe he was getting himself off, I have my suspicions, I love it though, I love it when he tries to hide it somehow, or at least he doesn't want to be obvious about it. I get to watch the expression on his face as he tries to hold off, tries to distract himself. If I'm not mistaken he came with me.

My mind wanders just to him, to scenarios when we meet. Two whole nights together will seem like a lifetime I think. I'm sure our connection will grow, will get stronger, will bind us together. The idea of it getting stronger makes me feel strange. On one hand it's what I want, I crave the connection more than just about anything else, on the other hand it scares me knowing that things will never be final and I'll still have a hole a void that will never be filled.

Trip Trip Trip

Me
I'm exhausted. I've been taking the fibro meds now for over two weeks and I feel worse than when I started. Maybe it's just one of those days. But today my mood is terrible and I just feel like I'm going to fall over if the wind blows me in the wrong direction.

I went to a public office to ask about funding for my (hypothetical) business and the whole thing got me in this mood. Or maybe it was Bf's participation that got me here. The meeting wasn't actually all that bad except that it confused me and I probably realized that the whole thing is much more complicated than I thought it was.
Whatever.... the funding exists but I have to go back in May, that's when they know how much money is available and for how many businesses.

Rob and a new Trip to LONDON
I'm booking my trip to London this week. I've been having a hard time with that too. Every time I try to book it, something comes up around the dates and I have to move the trip around. Whether it's BF complaining, my job, Rob going away or my friend in London going away or whatever... It's no-one's fault directly, it's just complicated.

So I've pretty much decided on the 17th of April. That's less than a month away. Rob and I will meet up for our 3rd time and possibly for a whole 2 days and nights this time. I smile every time I think about it. The fact that he was the one to suggest two days makes me swoon... ok maybe not swoon, but it makes me really happy. I'm really looking forward to it.

He said that we'll probably meet on the 22nd of April.

I have some mixed feelings about this trip. I'm not sure why. I haven't really dug down deep enough to understand why yet and I'm not sure I really want to. But the surface feeling that I keep pushing away is that perhaps (quite possibly) I'm getting into deeper waters, deeper than either of us might be able to handle. I don't want to think about it. I think, though, that the last meeting was also riddled with similar emotions, but the unknown was strongest. This time I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into so the mystery of "what's to come" isn't veiling all the other emotions.

Co-Worker
Co-W is one of the reasons my trip might have been moved. I talked to him today on the phone and it wasn't an easy conversation.
Let me start by saying that I wasn't calling him. I called the girl that I work with to ask her whether she would be around for those weeks. She was with Co-W and when she asked me where I was headed he piped up with "can I come?"... I shrugged off the comment without answering really. When I finally got him on the phone it turns out that he is heading off to do a job during the same period that I'll be away. That would leave the studio with 9 students to deal with possibly without me or him around. This could cause some difficulties.
In the end I got a bit frustrated with him because he couldn't pinpoint whether he would have to be away during that time or not and he ended up telling me to book it anyhow and he'll deal with things when they come round.
Truth be told I've been talking about this trip for over 6 months, and I have been saying it will be in Spring... so he acknowledged that and told me to do what I thought was best.

The morning

As time goes by things get put on the back burner.... kinda... I find myself thinking about Rob less, although still very often, just less than every second like while I was in London. It's more like every 5 minutes now. Work does keep me mostly busy.

On occasion I find myself stopping in mid sentence while explaining something to my students, because something caught my attention and reminded me. The strangest things will come to mind and make me laugh, like salt and vinegar chips. Rob went out late on Monday night at the hotel to have a smoke. I stayed up in the room but he asked if I wanted anything to munch on. He brought back two bags of salt and vinegar chips and a bag of cheese chips. We sat quietly and ate them while watching tv.

There were times in that room that we weren't having sex where we'd just sit and watch tv. He'd sit on the chair at the desk, I'd be sprawled on the bed. In other words we weren't constantly all over each other.

It was during those times that I'd observe him, watch him. I wasn't interested in the tv. I just wanted to watch him while he wouldn't notice.

Those were times when I felt like I should make moves, go to him and touch him, just drag him close to me. But I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I think that we probably needed to contrast the constant touching, sex and just overstimulation with that void. Perhaps it had to do with my fear of ruining the situation with overdoing things. Maybe I was just afraid of getting too close.

The void of not touching, not getting too close eased us into sleep as well. We slept close. But to be able to actually get any sleep I can't be touching a person I've never slept with. So I kept my distance, I needed to sleep at least a little. I don't remember who made the first move in the morning, it could have just been a random rolling over or something, but we ended up spooning. It was an amazing sensation, after not having touched for those few hours at night. I remember pulling his arm around me, around my waist. I could feel his body behind me, every move, every muscle, his slow breathing, his warmth. The sensation of his stiffening cock had me wet immediately. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave that day without having more of him. I'd have never forgiven myself if I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation.

We moved, perhaps he moved onto his back, I moved close to him, one leg over his, but I could feel him stiffen through his boxers. My hand slid under the covers, I caressed, and rubbed him through his boxers, until he opened one eye to look at me, to ask me what I was doing. I just smiled, didn't answer. Then I moved under the covers, straddling his legs, going down. I slipped his boxers off, and the question came again, "what are you doing?" in that accent I love. "Nothing, what do you think I'm doing?" I joked. And proceeded to take him in my mouth.

Just the simple sensation of the head of his cock moving past my lips was enough to make me cum. All I needed was a little stimulation really. I could suck him off for hours without ever getting bored... although he might. But he wanted to be inside me that morning, and I wasn't going to complain about that. I came up to face him, and straddling him I grabbed him from behind myself, slipped him in slowly, easily, all the way down the shaft, and I gasped, he groaned, and the sensation made me collapse towards him. He fucked me slowly in that position and then told me to ride him. I did, I rode him, upright, cowgirl, but I'm a weak girl with no muscles and ended up getting tired fast. He lifted me by my thighs, I kept my hands on the bedboard to ease the weight a little and he fucked me from below. There was a moment when his cock hit my g-spot and I just yelped. It was a sensation I'd never felt before meeting Rob. Bf has never hit it, I've never hit it on my own either. Rob is the only one who has ever found it, and his cock hits it perfectly.

I was basically incapable of moving after that, Rob moved his hand swiftly to my clit, pressing hard, flicking his thumb back and forth, pushing from inside me with his cock, I would go limp at each pulse. The next thing I knew he was joking around, and I was trying to get over what felt like three orgasms in a row. He said "look, watch this!", he put two fingers to his left temple, closed his eyes and made his cock pulse inside me, making me weak in rapid succession, I was laughing and in a state of ecstasy all at once.
He then asked me if I'd had enough. But my answer was "I'll never have enough". He lifted me off him. He moved around behind me, telling me quietly what to do, put your head down, guiding me with his hands. He slid himself back inside me from behind, my face planted flat on the bed. His hands gripping my wrists and my hips all at once. He pounded me hard and I had yet another orgasm,  I collapsed helplessly on the bed, I didn't have an inkling of strength, I lay there, eyes closed, panting, arms beneath me now. Feeling the bed vibrate as he moved around to my side, he was caressing my back, up and down, his nails just barely grazing my cool skin. I opened my eyes to see a calm, serene look on his face, relaxed, smiling, caring.

I rolled onto my side, propped myself up and after he may have told me to take it easy, I went back down to taste myself on him. Making myself gag on him, his hands pushing my head down as they'd done numerous times before. I went down, sucked his balls lightly into my mouth, something I'd never done before, so delicate, soft, fragile, yet resistent. Such an amazing sensation. He was getting close. This time it took minutely less than the other times. He warned me that he was going to cum, and he pressed my head down onto him, his hot cum filling the back of my throat. I haven't swallowed in years, and it was so much easier than I'd remembered. It was warm and tasted slightly bitter. I could taste him for ages after that. Right through to the next morning.

The rest of the morning consisted in us having breakfast and just lounging, perhaps both dreading the departure. I wrote about our departure before, but it was a fairly long wait, or it felt long. We went down and had a breakfast that made us both laugh, he managed to fill a teapot with a teabag and coffee and almost insisted on drinking it. We talked about what had happened, we talked about how we felt. He is so easy for me to talk to, he makes everything easy.

The rest of this story is somewhat of a repeat, I've mentioned it before but I can't finish this post without it.

When we returned to the room, we didn't know what to do. I finished packing my bag while he lay face down on the bed looking at the newspaper on the floor. I flopped myself onto the bed to look over his shoulder, reading and not reading, occasionally commenting. But soon we stopped. He just lay there, his face buried in the nook in his arm. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I got the feeling he was dreading going home, or maybe dreading waiting. I wanted to tell him to go when he wanted, that he didn't have to wait for me. He looked up at me, his eyes were shiny, but partially hidden behind his mass of blond eyelashes, he looked at me through them and said that he was worried he'd make himself sick with guilt in the following days.

I told him to hate me if it would be easier, but had to turn away, lay on my back to wipe the tears away.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to the train station. We hugged, half kissed, it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we just went our separate ways. Neither of us looked back. But the train ride into London was hard.

Electricity

I'm really happy with the order of things. Having met up with Rob at the beginning of this trip means that I have time to savour all my thoughts and feelings without worrying about being around Bf, without him asking me why I'm grinning or crying or writing.

The initial meeting with Rob at the station was very simple, smiles and hugs and then straight to the hotel. Check in was at 2:00pm and it was only 11am but I needed to drop my bag. We were lucky though, they managed to check us in immediately.

Once up in the room, Rob dropped onto the bed. After a few moments of indecision I lay down beside him, we talked for a second and then he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a kiss that was not really frantic, but we certainly didn't know what to do with each other. We were just pulling at one another wanting everything. We went for my neck, biting and sucking, just the thought makes my clit pulse. The sensation of him biting my neck sent waves of electricity through my body, neck to toes. He whispered that I tasted good, that my hair smelled nice, I must have mumbled something but honestly I was groaning.

What I wouldn't give to feel that again.

Thoughts from Camden.

This was written a few days after meeting up from Camden Town market. There may be a few concepts that I've already written about but it's mostly new stuff.

________________________________________________________

I'm sitting on a bench in Camden Town. It's huge here. I had no idea. I walked around a fair amount but my mind keeps wandering back to... well it's probably obvious.

Rob and I have talked a few times in the past few days both on the phone and on chat through Skype. Some of the texts he has sent have had me crying or close to it. They're not really tears of sadness either. It's always a combination of things. Relief that he is thinking about things and the knowledge that it's not just me. But also the beauty of hearing things like "I can still smell you on my skin" (the day after), that he'll never forget it, and that I'm an amazing person.

In the market though, wandering the stalls and shops, my mind slips back to scenes of Rob telling me to kneel on the floor.
We had been at it for over an hour, a hundred different positions, from the bed to the desk (where the mirror was), two orgasms of my own, then the polite order to kneel on the floor, almost whispered. Down on the floor I went, his cock gliding in and out of my mouth. He would grab my head lightly but firmly, carefully even, and force himself in further, setting my gag reflex off. I knew it would. No matter, I wanted it.
Then he asked if I was ready. He was going to cum, it was time. I was on my knees on the floor completely naked in front of him, staring up at him, waiting, watching, yearning.
It was an amazing sensation. The feeling of his hot cum covering my body. I've never, ever, experienced anything like it. There was so much I was drenched. It dripped down over my tits, down my front. It was on my neck and shoulders. He even managed to get the desk beside us. As I rubbed it in, I was completely slick, shiny and wet, from my shoulders down to my belly. It was so much I laughed, we laughed, I hadn't been expecting that much, he had warned me, but I had no way of understanding. It was amazing.

Home

I'm back. The trip back was an exhausting journey both mentally and physically. I was supposed to get a ride from the airport but bf couldn't pick me up so I ended up taking the train. But there was a train strike yesterday and it was total chaos.

I got home and bf was working, I was glad because I received a lovely email from Rob saying that he had tried to call me that morning, but that I was already flying or in Italy, that he had realized that we were thousands of miles apart now and he thanked me again for one of the most incredible moments of his life.
I burst into tears reading it, luckily my best friend from home was on line and being the only one who knows about all of this, I told her my feelings. She said that feelings come in waves, let them wash over you and they will go just as they come. she suggested I concentrate on all the good feelings the meeting brought and try not to concentrate on how much I miss him.  All very wise suggestions I will try to follow.

I've written a few things over the past few days and I'll be posting them. I just haven't had time to get them into the computer. They're all hand written so far. Hopefully this evening.

What I find slightly frustrating about my return home is bf's total indifference to so many things. I kissed him when he came home, but he commented on it, asking why I had.
I wanted to show him the things I had bought, an antique and even the pictures from my trip, but he sat there watching the soccer games and was only half listening to me. He was so indifferent to my enthusiasm about the concert. I hate indifference.

I even said something like "you don't really care about this stuff do you?" He just said, "you decide". With an indifferent tone, it wasn't said in a mean way... it was just total and complete indifference.

Nottingham I

 This is the first thing I wrote on a random piece of paper while on the train to London. I wrote it quickly, a stream of consciousness type of thing. I wasn't sure I'd post it here. It's relatively intense for me even now to re-read it. I cried on the train back after writing this, they weren't tears of sadness completely either, it was a mix of feelings I think. Then I fell asleep and almost missed my stop. I sent this to Rob yesterday and I added a little changed a little, and I'll be reviewing it again now. But it's essentially the first impressions...Rob liked it, so I'm posting it. There will be more I'm sure, as things come I'll post them.

 _____________________________________________

I feel so overwhelmed that I can't really express myself.
I'm sitting on the train to London from Nottingham writing this and there's this guy on the phone in front of me talking, babbling and it's distracting. All I want to do is remember everything, not let go. Scenes of him keep flashing through my mind. scenes of him inside me, in so deep that everything I had imagined was real, splitting me in half, not just physically either. The smiling, staring, laughing, fucking. My guilt, not for what what we'd done, but for the guilt he was feeling. The feeling makes me want to cry.

All that's left is a few bruises and sore muscles, I wish I could have taken something a little more permanent. A mark, a sign, a stigmata to remind me. Something I could just look at, touch even, remember. Flashes of conversations in dingy bars with drunks, castles and castle food, sharing dishes never shared, and the sex... how could I have possibly thought that I could keep my feelings separate? Certain sensations I've never felt. The ease, so easy... relaxed, not awkward, just the goodbye was awkward.... that's all. He kept trying to keep his distance. But it wasn't working, was it?
Laying on the bed I'll never forget the look in his eyes, sad, worried, not regretful, but sad. He said he'd have a tough few days, hoping not to make himself sick with guilt. Would it be easier to let him hate me than to see that look on his face again... yeah...it would.

From behind, face planted on the bed, shoulders too. Him gripping my hands and my hips, pounding me. Collapsing on the bed. The look on his face, caressing my back, up and down.

Mirrors, reflections of us, me looking at him, him looking at me but from different angles different perspectives.

The sensation of the tip of his cock, so smooth, so perfect sliding past my lips, grazing my teeth, so hot, salty. I will never forget that sensation. The memory of him holding my head next to his waist, holding my mouth open for him to cum in. The memory of him nodding, smiling when he knew he was getting me close. The memory of him making me writhe without moving a muscle, the strength of his cock inside me pulsing, pressing what I imagine has to be my gspot, a spot I never found on my own.

Being forced down, onto his cock, only barely coming up for air to be pushed back down again. I wonder, I wonder if he would take control more given the chance. It was our first encounter, he didn't know my limits... I didn't know my limits.

I almost ripped the tendon in his leg out. Wat was he doing? It felt so good. I wanted him, as much of him inside me as possible.
It was a perfect mix. Soft, gentle, rough, forcing, restraining. I couldn't have invented it better in my mind.

There would have been so much more I think. We've only broken the surface of what was there. We've only revealed ourselves partially, but getting any deeper might have hurt too much.

Before I start

I don't actually really know what to say or how to start this. I've tried sitting down more than once to get this post written and each and every time I get to a point where I just can't write.

It's not just one reason either. There are many. My hand starts to shake (I've been trying to write in a notebook), my mind wanders and I can't concentrate, I start crying, or I get horny. No matter what, I think I just need time to work things through before putting black onto white.

The meeting with Rob was incredible. It was more than I could have possibly imagined or dreamed. It was better than perfect. It was easy, we were totally at ease with each other. There was nothing awkward about anything except perhaps the goodbye at the train station.

There was a lot of sex and it was perfect sex. He was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel as though I've been in a dream or a daze, that it never actually happened. He hit spots that I honestly had no idea existed. He played my body like I was his favourite instrument. He knows me well, knows what I like. At the same time I felt like I had so much to discover about him. Secrets to unlock.

I think that we were both afraid of getting too close. We acted like good friends when we weren't having sex. We didn't really do the hand holding thing. Sleeping, we slept in the same bed but we didn't touch much until early morning. Neither of us slept much. I think we fell asleep at around midnight and woke up around 4:30am. We spooned in the early hours. That's also when I got a nosebleed, which I never get. I think that was caused by all my hyperventilating... I tend to breath a lot when having sex.

After I got back into London, after we went our separate ways, he texted me saying that he was looking forward to reading the blog, he also told me not to hold back on detail.



I will at some point post more detail than today, or I hope to. But everything is a blur at the moment. The order of things got completely lost in my mind. It's probably a good thing, it means that I was lost in the moment. But it's frustrating at the same time because I wish I could remember it clearly to burn it onto my brain.

There are things that stand out in my memory, things that I'll never forget. Sensations, sights and feelings that were so intense that I may have a hard time putting them into words.
The memories come back to me in vivid flashes, they're so strong they distract me from everything around me, sometimes bringing me close to tears, others close to orgasm, and again others a huge smile on my face.

I had two orgasms today, just because I'm in a hostel and it would be difficult to have more than that with all the people around. But it's just to say how worked up I still am. 

I even tried writing a moment by moment recount of the events, after 4 hand written pages I gave up. It was too blurry, some things are so absolutely crystal clear, and others aren't. It was more damaging that good I think.

I'm going to leave this here now. But I will be trying to figure how to put things into words. I want to post more, but I can't figure out how to do it rationally and well. And this will be for me. Written specifically as a diary entry, not written to please my trusty readers. This meeting was the whole point of this blog in the first place. But I don't want a rambling piece of writing either. So I need to weigh it out a bit and figure out the best way to do it.

Before I leave.

He's on my nerves.. Bf... I can't stand him these days. I know I always go through these periods. But recently it's been really really annoying. I can't say anything without him jumping on my back.

The trip to North America is becoming a nightmare because of him. He finds all sorts of stupid excuses for not doing things or he just makes situations really complicated when they're not. On occasion he says that he doesn't want to come and that he's just spending money to do whatever the hell I want. I know he'd rather be off on some tropical island swimming than visiting my home country and seeing my family. I don't really blame him. But my grandmother is over 90 and I'd like to see her before she passes away. And I really need to see some friends.

Andy
Well andy is getting his own paragraph now... He caught me on Facebook last night and asked how I was. He invited me to a "reggae night" at a club in a town about an hour away. He and Co-worker are going tomorrow night.  I said I'd think about it but I already know I won't be going. I wish... And I kinda told him that.
He was kidding around saying "always with the bf, we need to do more tequila drinking!"

I wonder.... I wonder what he thinks...

Co-Worker


I can't say he has been ignoring me, but it's been pretty close. He did pat me on the head today while I was on the computer today. But there was definitely no flirting.

He did say something about the girls he loves, brown hair green eyes (his gf) and blond with blue eyes... (me)

London/Rob
I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off the past few days, getting a whole slew of stuff done, including 2 translations, picking up stuff for a friend over in London, got to dye my hair again, picking up some Pounds for when I get there... checking with the bank to make sure I have money on my card.

I haven't even had time to think about anything let alone have things take over my brain and command me not to do something... Plus with the way I feel with bf these days I just really need OUT.

Righto... I hope to get another post in before Saturday... but if I don't I'll post from the UK....oooohhhh ahhhhh... man....

Spring is here, and London is upon us.

Spring is finally here. The weather has been spectacular, to the point that I got a bit of sun, my face is already a little darker than the usual winter pallor.

It's been warm and sunny for the past week, until today that is, it rained this evening.

London + Rob
I've finally booked my hostel room for London. I leave on the 14th of May. I booked the same hostel as last time. It was pretty decent. It's far from a 5 star hotel, but the beds are relatively comfortable and clean. The bathroom was functional. And they had wifi... important.

I'll probably be checking the availability at another hostel a week before I go (the first one I went to), just because it's cheaper and has better food. Even if the bathrooms are god awful. It was in a nicer area, better restaurants and nightlife.

I haven't heard from Rob much recently, I'm hoping to catch up with him this week. I've been itching to tell him that I booked my hostel. I just figured it would be best to leave it for now though. I sometimes get to thinking that it scares him off, so I avoid telling him about bookings and flights and stuff, especially in text messages. He proved me wrong last time though. When I booked my flight he didn't bat an eye when I told him.

I really just wanted to pretend like he isn't part of my plan for going over there, but technically we're supposed to meet up in another town... not sure how I'll swing it. I have tentative plans to stay with a friend towards the end of my stay, so going to another town for a night would possibly mean having to organize it. Or maybe not... humph oh well.. I'll just play it all by ear. I'm sure things will clarify one way or another before I leave.

I still feel like I've managed to keep my emotional distance from this meeting compared to the other times. But I could just be kidding myself.... Especially when I look back on what I've just written and see that it's half a page long.

Co-Worker

Co-worker gets back this week, Wednesday to be exact. We don't have clients at the studio this week so I won't be going in until later in the week, I have to do some work with my boss, get some stuff finished and she won't be around until later in the week. That means that I'll get to see co-worker. I wonder what kind of hello I'll get. I'm looking forward to it. 

The end of London

It’s my last night in London. I’ve had a good time, although it could have been better in some aspects. I could have met more people I think.
I spent the first three days with friends of my family who were on vacation here. They were staying in a mansion in the countryside outside of London. They cooked me food and took me hiking in the forests and hills, it was beautiful.
I then came into London on Thursday morning and spent the day getting lost on the Thames. I went to the Tate Britain instead of the Tate Modern. I’d already seen the Tate Britain. I walked until it felt like my legs were going to fall off.
I visited another friend for dinner, and then yesterday I went to the science museum and the Tate Modern… finally. I saw paintings by the likes of Mirò, Picasso, Dalì, Magritte, Matisse, Alexander Calder (mobiles), De Chirico and so many more that I can’t remember the names. I saw an amazing installation of Sunflower Seeds, and when I say amazing… I mean AMAZING…. Incredible…. Insane almost.
I spent the night at a friend’s house and then back out into the world this morning to the Saatchi gallery, where there were some pretty impressive works. My favourite, or the one that has the most lasting impression on me was a piece with minute… I mean insect sized, skeletons riding insects. Totally intense. I can’t get over the work that went into constructing each little skeleton with insect parts or bits of plants…. Man…
I spent the afternoon today wandering, getting groceries, and just basically spending time on my own.

I did meet two guys Friday night. They were staying in the same dorm room as me. One was from Alaska, and the other was from Britain somewhere. The brit guy was 16... But he bought us beer! Ha! The other was a talkative cute guy in his late 20s I’d say, who might have flirted more had the 16 year old not been there. I should have asked him to come to the science museum with me. But I didn’t think of it in time. He would have come too… And I would have asked. He was funny. We did spend Friday night drinking beer and just chatting about random things.

All in all I can’t say that I preferred it over seeing Rob… but I did enjoy myself. I really appreciated the time on my own. I dread going back to work Monday. I have long days ahead and this wasn’t really a break. But anyhow it was a mental break from the bf and the small town I live in.

London

So here I am. I have been busy, but I'm fine... yes I'm fine. I got over all of this fairly quickly.

The day I left home to go to the airport I texted Rob asking if he was still talking to me. He said "yeah, I just needed some time to look at myself".

I was relieved to say the least.

I sent him another text message tonight to give him the brit mobile number that I purchased, and to tell him I was on skype. He won't come. It is also relatively late, it's 1am. I'll be surprised if I get an answer from him at all.

I think though that I have mourned enough for this "friendship". I'll let it be, let it go where it will. I just don't want to get hurt again. I need to set rules if it is destined to continue. Setting rules like: don't ask me when we're going to fuck. Don't tell me that you want to fuck me in real life. It's not going to happen.

I'm perfectly happy with the relationship online as is at this point. I am still convinced that I don't want to give him up. But if that's what has to happen, I'll deal with it when it comes. I don't think I'll be doing the mourning I did this last time. I have come to terms with the whole situation I'd say.

Thanks for the words of support... and the kind emails from those few who helped lend an open ear and heart.

How I feel.

Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go, oh

I feel like something
That I've done before

I could fake it .......But I still want more, oh.

 

UNDONE

It hurts. No matter what I do or think or how angry I get it still hurts.

Rob texted a desperate message this afternoon that said "I can't do this!!!" 

He was so enthusiastic while organising this that I didn't imagine that it'd happen this time. But when yesterday evening he said he'd be on, and then he wasn't, he didn't answer my emails, and didn't answer one of my texts this morning I kinda knew that he was bailing.

Just like last time, except last time it was easier to convince him to see me. We met for the day. Nothing happened. But originally he sent me an email saying that he couldn't do it.

I asked him to talk to me, to explain on my way to a bank then a lesson and I was in the bank when he sent the second text explaining why.

"I feel awful, I haven't slept for 2 days, the guilt is killing me and I haven't done anything yet. I don't believe I'm mentally strong enough to cheat on my gf, she is lovely and I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me, I just don't think I could live with myself. Sorry I have let you down"

I had to hold back the tears. I left the bank. Walked and tried not to think about it but it hurts. And I'm angry, there are so many things I'd like to tell him; He should have thought about this before getting me to book the flights, or that he can't be jealous of other guys I play with or hang out with online or meet if he can't meet me himself especially if I take the trouble buying flights to see him.

But it's not worth it. It's not worth getting angry. The anger doesn't make it less painful.

I'm glad that he managed to tell me. He didn't just ignore me or stop talking to me. He told me in time for me to change plans while there, I had a tight schedule between friends and Rob.

At this point I really wonder where things will go from here. I think what hurts most is that deep down I know I should let go. But I don't think I will be able to.