Sunday, November 9, 2014


On my return from the U.K. and seeing Rob, I have spent some time with the bf. I've noticed that my interaction with the bf is all wrong. Our interaction is all wrong. It seems that we have completely forgotten how to love each other. 

Maybe it's normal after a 17 year relationship. Maybe the romantic gestures die out and what's left is awkward or ritual interaction. 

In bed this morning the bf and I were probably both looking for sex but rather than holding and kissing and hugging, rolling around and playing there was uncomfortable poking fingers 'playfully' in my face, there was leg entwining and pushing, almost forceful and painful. There was a tablet being pushed against my nose. There was absolutely nothing sweet about it. 
No caressing or snuggling no nestling or spooning... Just annoying, and sure, 'playful' interaction. And I chastised him for annoying me, so he left. 

It's been like this for years too. It's like we are brother and sister taunting each other instead of being sweet. 

With Rob it was easy and natural. How can I bring that back into our relationship? 

I am also to blame for this situation, it's not a one way street. I think that I often put the bf off of that kind of interaction because I felt like it always had to lead to sex. I didn't want to feel forced into it and that's how I felt. Every time he came close to me I felt this moral obligation to follow through. I don't know if it was imagined or real... I think at some point I felt it became real.  I know it didn't start like that. 

I didn't feel that with Rob. I didn't ever feel that obligation. No matter what type of interaction it was. 

Maybe we need to talk about it. Maybe I should bring it up, the question is whether I have the guts. 


Ethan Lambert said...

I've got the same problem; we've both lost touch with b how to be tender and don't know how to communicate when we're aroused without it seeming juvenile. Right now I'm working on being intimate when I know it can't lead to sex... making out while Lena tries to cook, or holding her on the couch even though the kids area still awake, or nibbling on her in the car on a busy day. I think too often these gestures became synonymous with asking for sex, and I'm trying to break that connection. Even if it doesn't rekindle our sex lives it's nice just being affectionate again.

cammies on the floor said...

It's hard to have a healthy, normal relationship that has it's own life when it's being compared to another relationship. 17 years and accustomed to seeing each other regularly is not going to have that New Relationship Energy, that sizzle and passion, that feeling of unknown exploration. I would discuss your concerns, but never in comparison to any other relationship. I would focus on the feeling of obligation, the wanting to be playful without leading to sex.

Cande said...

Ethan! I'm always glad to see you back. I miss your comments. I think bf even tried that on me, problem was I still had a hard time accepting it. I need the hugs and kissed and less grabby sexual 'rekindling'... But I think that may just be him... He needs some lessons in tenderness and I need to ease up.

Cande said...

Absolutely true. Comparing isn't going to get me anywhere in my relationship... It just tipped me off that something needs to change and an idea of how to change things. I think that aiming to get that intimacy back is a start and yes communicating and talking about obligation.... If I have the guts I'm not always great on the guts side of things.

Mike129 said...

Yes, you definitely have to talk about it. But you already know that. It won't change if you don't, and if it doesn't change, I don't see how the relationship can continue.

(My opinion is worth every penny you paid for it. :-) )

Advizor54 said...

my opinion costs double Mike's but is only worth 505.

It's easy to let the daily affection grow stale. The little gestures that used to mean affection get interpreted as requests for sex and so it escalates. One tries to be cute and the other rejects sex, but that wasn't what was being offered. the signals get twisted and reactions are overblown, so it makes even the slightest gesture fraught with danger.

Talk to him, but you have to know what you want before you say anything, and that might be the tough part. Do you want more playfule affection, more sex, more intimacy?

He'll need to know.