Going backwards

So Today is Monday. I actually texted Co-worker yesterday at around sunset saying how much I'd like a Mythos (greek) beer and a pack of Doritos, because that was our staple afternoon food while in Greece. And he answered something like "no kidding"...

So Today I went in to work, everything is normal apart from the ridiculous heat. It's like 40 degrees here or something. But I didn't get up the courage to ask Co-worker how things were with the gf. I did however ask my other co-worker who knows him better than me, and they had had lunch together so I figured she knew. Turns out they're back together.

I think he wanted to tell me, but it didn't come out. I'm not sure why really. But he did ask me how I was at one point today and I said "good and you?" and he just said "good" I think he was expecting me to ask about his gf maybe, but I didn't.... I was shy, and I hate talking about stuff like that with people around.

Anyhow I feel like things are regressing. I was hoping that things would go back to normal since we're back at work, but I think the breakup set us both back and scared us into remission. So yeah we're at a stalemate or something.

As for other news. There isn't any really. I was hoping to meet up with Rob this past week, but I was busy, he was busy and then left his phone somewhere so no meeting up.

I am leaving on the 21st of July for New York and then a tour of North America. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not sure why, but I'm not. I kinda wish bf weren't coming in some ways. But oh well, I'll manage. I have also been off on so many trips recently I can't bear the idea of packing again. I have no idea what to pack.

I'm slightly frustrated with everything and I just wish I could hide in a cool dry home with airconditioning and paint or something.

I'm frustrated with all men at the moment so yeah... that's how I'm feeling sorry boys!! xoxo

patience and excuses

I have to learn to be patient.... I hate it though. I want to text co-worker. I want to ask him how things are with the gf... I want an excuse is what I want.

Dark room and Blue windows.

In that dark room with blue beams, on a bed with boards that wouldn't hold. A pale blue light filtering in through the small, shiny blue framed window, open to let the sickeningly sweet evening air into the bedroom. A sheet to keep the chill off, after a day in the sun the temperature of my skin contrasting that of the evening air to the point of goosebumps. My skin heating the space under the sheet above us, letting off all the afternoon sun.

Mind wanderings to things said, trying to understand, trying to resolve as if they were pieces of a puzzle to put together. Wondering whether the resistance was worth it. I had said that no-one would believe us when we got back, I was right.

The early morning with just a tank top and a pair of turquoise panties, the sheets get thrown off dramatically, you admire from your pillow, caress, your cool hand on my skin causing me to shiver. Sliding it up my thigh, over my hip to my ribs. My arm tightening near my breast for fear of going too far, not letting you in, you slide back down.

You refuse to let me touch you, you whisper to me that you are in charge of caresses, pushing my hand gently away.

Your hand moves to my face, moving the hair from my forehead. My eyes open to find you staring into me, through me, it's too much to handle so I close them again. But I can feel them burning into me and I am tempted to open them again, but again I can't resist and I turn away. We speak, we talk about something, what was it? Maybe about what we're doing, I tell you that I don't want to cause trouble, and with a swift gesture to your temple you tell me the trouble is in your mind.

HNT quickie

I finally managed to get an HNT up! It's a quickie, nothing fancy, just me on a hot day :-D

feelings of guilt

I had a long talk with bf last night. He started saying that he felt that I was being distant. HA! I wanted to laugh. But we discussed it quite seriously.
I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around him when he has accused me of breaking up co-worker's relationship.
I have tried my best to be good, to be happy and to ignore things. But last night I kind of broke down. I told him how I felt, I cried when I told him that I felt guilty for having accepted because that's what he has made me feel. And that feeling will not go away now. He apologized for having said that it was my fault, but the feeling remains.
I wanted to cry today. Co-worker looked a bit worried, he asked me if I was ok, I said I was tired. But when he said "you didn't get much sleep" I knew he knew that we'd had another discussion.

There is such a huge distance between co-worker and I that I'm also feeling the gap. We were skin close for a week, without being far from each other for more than a few hours at night and not being able to walk next to him or sit next to him with our arms touching is strange. Not to mention not being able to communicate freely with him. There are always people around and I don't feel comfortable sending emails or text messages.

Today he did seem happier though, still a little on edge but better than yesterday. His gf posted something on his fb wall today saying "so many memories", but he hasn't looked at his fb in ages... I don't know if they've started a mending process or not.

I talked to my father today and he said something that caught my ear that I hadn't thought of before. He told me not to look after bf while in North America. He said it was a lot of work. I didn't understand so I asked him to clarify. He said that when we went to visit my dad, my dad did his best to pull together all his Italian friends so that bf would feel comfortable. When I was back home last with bf (which was over 10 years ago now) bf behaved like a child refusing to do things or participate. I'm a little worried that things will be similar this time. So Dad is right... no looking after. Strangely people are already trying to find things for him to do, setting up outings and sports stuff to make him feel more involved....

Tearing.

All hell has broken loose here. Co-W split up with his Gf on Sunday night. Bf has blamed me for it more or less, saying that I shouldn't have accepted going on the trip and by accepting I put everyone in a difficult position. Although we've talked things through, the guilt of their separation is on my head. I told Co-W this and he jokingly said, let's get a room, fuck our brains out, film it and sent it to everyone.
Co-W is angry at all our friends because everyone has had their say in things. He's furious with his Gf because she behaved immaturely saying that while he was "working (having fun)" in greece she was out partying and having "a lot of fun" on her own. So he went and broke things off with her. He smashed the gifts he had bought her on the floor in front of her and threw 200 Euros worth of earrings in a river.
When I asked him today if he had spoken to her he said no... But there seems to be a sort of refusal on his part to talk about it. I don't know the whole story so I can't judge what went on.

I feel like I should write her on fb and tell her that she's crazy to leave him, that he loves her, tell her how whenever we were in town looking for souvenirs all he did was look for something to bring back to her. She was his only thought at certain times, he missed her on the trip. He would tell me how he wanted to be with his girlfriend. But I don't want to get in the middle of this, it's not my place.

I feel terrible. It sucks...

Well well well... Yes I'm back. My week in Corfu is now over. It was a rather interesting week. I apologize I did not have internet as much as I expected. I only had unlimited internet in the morning while I was working and therefore always had people around hanging over my shoulders.

I hand wrote two evenings while there. But didn't have time to continue later in the week. I don't know whether to post what I've written since It's already typed up or whether I should just post a summary of the events.

Maybe here for everyone's sake I should just post a "brief" summary. I know that people tend to be afraid of reading long posts. But I may post them for myself.

Co-Worker and I started our trip out by a lot of talking, from the car trip up to the airport all the way to greece. It was never awkward or strange but we joked around a lot and had a lot of fun.

There was a moment in Athens during our 4 hour wait where he started talking about how his girlfriend was angry and he went on a little tangent about how he didn't want to do anything because he was in love with his girlfriend and contradicting himself saying that if something happened we are adults and can take care of ourselves. And again saying things like if we really wanted to cheat we didn't need corfu to do it.

For practicality's sake we stayed in a little bungalow together which was obviously a secret for everyone else. We had separate bedrooms and we were very good at just keeping separate. But obviously the touching, constant contact between us was there. Apart from when we were sleeping or working our arms would always be touching. For some reason we both needed that.

We weren't alone very often either, we always had the two women who organized the course taking us places, to the beach or to dinner. But there was a day where we took off on our own and we talked again... talked lots.

Now the one thing that I have to say about Co-worker that kinda bothers me is the fact that he talks about himself a lot. I think it has to do with the fact that he gets nervous and just starts talking and he can go on for quite a while. It's never boring I must admit, but it can seem a bit conceited.

When we talked that day things were slightly different yet again. I asked him why he had told me in google chat (a while back now) that he was a bastard. He told me it was because he likes to lead people on without any real interest. Which confused me quite a bit because I couldn't understand why he would lead someone on if there was no attraction whatsoever. But then again that same day he was talking about how he liked me, how we have a "good energy" together, we get along well and so on. So I was obviously confused.

Come Wednesday morning he woke up with a migrane and I played nurse, I sat on his bed and gave him a forehead massage to see if we could at least turn the intensity down. As I did that he would caress my arms, my face my legs.... things had taken a slight turn. The contact was more intimate that evening we left our doors open, he started coming out of the shower with just his towel, the energy in the bungalow had changed. We were both hoping for something to happen... not sex, just a more intimate contact. By Friday night I spent some time on his bed in the evening, just talking and we talked about having sex, but neither of us wanted to do it, but we both admitted to wanting it. And he sent me to my room... although I didn't want to go, I was reluctant. I went back to grab a bottle of water and he grabbed my arm and held me there. But I left again...

Friday he had water in his ear from the beach in the evening and asked me to try a diving technique on him to get it out, by pouring warm water and vinegar in. It gave us (ok so I think it was his excuse not mine) another excuse to sit in his bed together in the evening.

I stayed that night... I didn't leave his bed. There was no sex, not even a kiss. At all. But we both wanted to. There were a lot of caresses, a lot of talking, we talked about sex a bit, having it. I tend to be really shy about that kind of thing, I keep my mouth shut, afraid of saying something stupid I guess. It's not my language. But sleeping with him was almost identical to sleeping with bf. Legs intertwined, subtle snoring. But in the morning his hands were all over me, caressing, gliding up and down my body. Over my thighs, my hips, my tummy... up to my ribs and then down again. He threw the sheets off of me in the morning to see me. I was in my panties and a tank top. He refused to let me touch him, he said that he was in control. He made the decisions.

I admit that my libido was low, I think my mind was working overtime to keep it that way. He was hard that morning, I could feel him, my legs on his, or from behind, or wherever. I tried to keep away, he tried to keep away, we were good. I wanted a kiss sooooo bad though. I love kisses... almost more than sex sometimes.

And I think he understands me.. I think he knows what I like, I'm not sure how he knows. I did hint at liking pain and pleasure at one point. He spanked me hard one day at the beach and left a big red mark. And on the flight home, I was leaning over him to look out the window at one point and he grabbed my head to push it into his lap.... jokingly... not right down... just part way. Both his hands on my head though... hmm. He kept telling me to stop provoking him.

So that's the story. Today it's monday, I'm back at work today and I'll be seeing him. Things haven't changed.... or at least we are going to try hard not to make the change visible.

I'd better stop this here. It's long enough as it is. I'll post more details and thoughts in the next few days.