Wednesday, July 6, 2011

feelings of guilt

I had a long talk with bf last night. He started saying that he felt that I was being distant. HA! I wanted to laugh. But we discussed it quite seriously.
I told him that I didn't feel comfortable around him when he has accused me of breaking up co-worker's relationship.
I have tried my best to be good, to be happy and to ignore things. But last night I kind of broke down. I told him how I felt, I cried when I told him that I felt guilty for having accepted because that's what he has made me feel. And that feeling will not go away now. He apologized for having said that it was my fault, but the feeling remains.
I wanted to cry today. Co-worker looked a bit worried, he asked me if I was ok, I said I was tired. But when he said "you didn't get much sleep" I knew he knew that we'd had another discussion.

There is such a huge distance between co-worker and I that I'm also feeling the gap. We were skin close for a week, without being far from each other for more than a few hours at night and not being able to walk next to him or sit next to him with our arms touching is strange. Not to mention not being able to communicate freely with him. There are always people around and I don't feel comfortable sending emails or text messages.

Today he did seem happier though, still a little on edge but better than yesterday. His gf posted something on his fb wall today saying "so many memories", but he hasn't looked at his fb in ages... I don't know if they've started a mending process or not.

I talked to my father today and he said something that caught my ear that I hadn't thought of before. He told me not to look after bf while in North America. He said it was a lot of work. I didn't understand so I asked him to clarify. He said that when we went to visit my dad, my dad did his best to pull together all his Italian friends so that bf would feel comfortable. When I was back home last with bf (which was over 10 years ago now) bf behaved like a child refusing to do things or participate. I'm a little worried that things will be similar this time. So Dad is right... no looking after. Strangely people are already trying to find things for him to do, setting up outings and sports stuff to make him feel more involved....


Ethan Lambert said...

Apologies again for ranting yesterday, but I'm really glad you made your point and that he at least went through the motions of apologizing. If nothing else, hopefully he'll remember this next time an opportunity comes up that makes him uncomfortable.

Cande said...

You don't have to apologize.... haha, ironic, isn't it? you're apologizing for getting me to sort things....